Monday, February 20, 2017

When Your Heart Says It's Tired

How are you today? Feeling good? Feeling 'I don't know?' Feeling rocked a bit?  All of that is normal. Isn't that nice to hear? Sometimes, all you need is to hear a voice other than your own say, 'you're normal.'  And it's true.  Whether you are flying high or you are walking through the shadows, it's a normal part of being alive and breathing.

The other day, I was walking and praying.  Praying is conversation/interaction with God... simple, with no rules.  On this particular day, conversations that I had been having with myself (can you relate?!) deep down finally busted up to my conscious thoughts.  Whoa! It's always a mix of shock and relief when those moments hit.  Honesty came tumbling out as I walked back and forth between my kitchen and living room.  The more the honesty came, the quicker my steps became.

I found myself saying rather loudly to Him, "I cannot do this.  My heart cannot do this.  My heart doesn't want to do this.  My heart is tired."

In one swift moment, Truth rushed to my heart and ears.  "Oh, yes you can."

I stopped talking, ears perked.

Quiet now.

There was a firmness to the truth.  A strong hand to it.  Not harsh, but strong.  As if His tone was to say, 'Feelings are indicators but they are not truth. Hear the truth now and run, little girl.  Run.'

And the truth kept tumbling out:

"Oh yes, Abi, yes you can keep going.  Because your heart doesn't have to be strong.... I AM YOUR HEART.  I am the life within your heart.  Do not say, my heart cannot do this because you are right. Your heart absolutely cannot do this and it doesn't have to.  My heart is your heart.  You are IN CHRIST.  A new creation.  You are new.  You are not you.  I am you.  You are me.  I am your heart muscle.  I am the blood pumping through it.  I am the strength of your heart.  I am life.  I am not fatigued.  I am alive and I am the strong heart that carries every bit of weariness you feel in your heart.  I swallow your weariness in my strength.  I AM NOT WEARY.  And this, my heart, is yours. So it is yours to claim.  Yours to wear.  Yours to believe.  Yours to feel.  Yours."

Put your name where mine is.  Take it for your own!

Immediately Psalm 73:26 started rolling through my mind, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. "  HE is the strength of my heart!  

What else can I possibly add to that?!  

He has a strong heart, and He gave it and keeps giving it to us.  Dang.  If that doesn't change the lighting in the room, I don't know what does!

Carry on my strong friends!  

Sincerely,

Honest and Strong Hearted Abi

.....who got tired of trying to take a selfie making my face look like I would if we were sitting face to face and talking about this.  Executing that was above my pay grade :).  I would probably smile at some point, so here's a smile today - from me straight to your heart.  




Sunday, February 12, 2017

Truth Telling at Valentine's

Hello, you.

Happy Sunday evening to you....and if you're reading later, by all means, happy this very moment to you.  And happy almost Valentine's Day!

I happen to love heart day.  But, I don't really care who you are, this holiday is fraught with opportunity for the blues.  Whether you are the in love up to your eyeballs type, the 'what love?' type, the bye bye social media 'till it's over type, or the 'meh' type, Valentine's Day can give anyone heartburn.

It just happens to be a time when a slew of messages are hurled at you and before you know it, out of nowhere, you're in a funk.

So, let's practice some truth telling.  Get ahead of the storm and focus on truths instead of traps.  Try focusing here instead of on the lack - whether it's a lack of a person, the lack of performance on a person's part, or anything else we can come up with.  There's really only one love that is perfect. Every other version is human and therefore flawed. Here's the truth:


  • I am loved beyond anything I can even imagine.
    • Luke 22:19 "And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, 'This is my body, which is GIVEN for you.  Do this in remembrance of me.' "

  • I am seen and known.
    • Jeremiah 1:5 "...Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...."

  • His love for me is the MOST dependable thing in my world.
    • Psalm 139:11 "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him."

  • I don't have to be perfect to be loved.
    • 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' "

  • I am protected 
    • Psalm 91:14 "Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name."

  • I am loved
    • Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through water you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

  • I am loved
    • Romans 5:8 "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

  • I am loved
    • Psalm 103:8 "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."

And that's just the beginning of telling ourselves the truth instead of falling into traps.  You know what we can do with lists like these?  Print them off and go a little crazy-town and start walking around your house or room and saying the statements and Scriptures over yourself.  Go to war a little! Because the truth is that you are loved beyond your wildest imagination.  You are known beyond your ability to know.  You are safe beyond any capacity you have to protect yourself.  Oh man, oh man...this can be a great week if we know the truth.  

Love y'all,

Honest Abi

P.S. This is my 'go a little crazy-town' and start telling yourself the truth face.  Can't you feel it? :)


Saturday, January 14, 2017

Here's What I think You Should Do

I've been pursuing audacity.  I think that title is fairly audacious, don't you?  I am reticent to say big, bold words that express one directive...but I guess here I am doing just that.  Progress.

Side note: I am listening to the free 48-hour stream of Brian and Jenn Johnson's new album After All These Years......oh boy.  Worth the purchase when it's available.

But here we are, you and me.  I like to think of these moments as sacred because I believe He can be with us together even if we are on different sides of a screen.  The words I let my eyes read are sacred.  I try not to read too much 'you should' stuff unless I feel momentum behind it.  Otherwise we are all scrambling and frantic in the head with our internal lists of must-do-self-improvements: senseless noise.

But I do have one thing I think you should do:

Find out who you are.

If you have chosen to believe that the Gospel is real and it is for you, then you are His.  First answer layer of the answer.  But there is more.

Most of us believe that there are things we were created to do.  Roles we were created to fill.  Art we were create to create.  Work we were created to put our hands to.  And it is possible to do the top layers of those things without truly having an answer to the question 'who are you?'.

So, Christian isn't enough.  Mom isn't enough.  Wife isn't enough.  Accountant isn't enough.  Doctor isn't enough.  Teacher isn't enough.  They are all worthy but they are all facets of what He calls you to.  They do not answer - who are you.

What I am saying is that He is THE CREATOR.  THE Creator.  The Author of all creation.  I believe that.  So don't dumb down His creation in you by simplifying it.

Have you heard people say, 'what you do is not who you are.'?  Me too.  One of my pet peeves is big concept phrases with no discussion about the gritty of how.  It's a concept that rings true....but dangit if that isn't a tough one to apply.

The truth is that when we have even beginning answers to who we were created to be, the way we do the work in front of us changes.  Whether it be a sole focus on raising children, leading an organization, teaching a group of people, spinning pottery, writing words for others to read, or giving medical care to those who come to the E.R., pursue the answer my friends.  Who are you?

I can't give you a step-by-step path to walk.  OH HOW I WISH I COULD!  Could someone send that my way?!

But what I can tell you is what I do know: it requires an uncomfortable amount of quietness.  If you want to start the pursuit of the Answer, start pushing noise out of your soul.  Because who you are and who you are meant to be - it's an answer that's already been woven into you.  The answer isn't going to be created, it already exists.  The words have already been spoken.  You can probably sense its presence.  It's a matter of being quiet enough to see it and hear it.

So, what is between your big conscious thoughts and the Truth that is woven into the deepest part of you?

Noise.

And what is the biggest source of noise between the head and the heart?

Fear.

So, quietness in a place that allows layers of fear, doubt, other's voices and paths that you are nearly addicted to comparing yourself to, untruths you believe to be peeled back and off.  He does very good work.  He knows exactly where the answer is and He knows how to get you there.

You are art.  You are intricate.  You are woven together wonderfully.  You are a creation.  You're not more special than any other creation....but you're certainly not simple.

Deep breath in and out.  There is tension in this isn't it?  It is beautiful but it is tense.  This pursuit of truth requires you to acknowledge layers between the head and the heart that are easier left tucked away.  Who, in their right mind, wants to sit in the same (small) room with their fears? Only those who are ready enough to let them come up so that freedom and healing can come.

He is much much better and getting you to the place of answers than I am.

But, here are some questions that you can ask that will at least help you climb the ladder....walk to the edge and feel your toes curl over the end of the diving board.  He alone can lure you off the board and into the water.

Questions:

  • Do I know how to be quiet with myself and with you?
  • Can you show me practical ways to be quiet with you?
  • What things are creating noise that distract my ears? (It's often not big bad things, but good things)
  • Would you lead me in this?  Would You show me who I am?  Show me how to pursue.  
I'm in it with you!  My heart soars at the thought of you and me opening up to Him in brand new ways!  

And so, that's what I think you should do.  I really do.

Much love,




















Honest Abi and my just-do-it-face




Thursday, December 29, 2016

A Note for January 1

The week between Christmas and New Year is one of my very favorites of the year.  Sometimes the 26th....or even about 3pm on the 25th...brings a little slump as the gifts have been unwrapped, the prime rib has been engulfed, and the candles on the cake have been blown out and the delicious Italian Cream Cake underneath those candles has been devoured, and well - it's simply over.  Over.  The over-ness slump has become a shorter and shorter one for me over the years.  Because something else starts stirring!  I'm reading a book right now that is so so so dang good and here's one little line that couldn't be more true: "...here's the thing about despair: It overtakes the place meant for hope.  It steals the belief that healing is possible." (Rebekah Lyons, You Are Free)

And hope is what starts stirring as January 1 inches closer to our present instead of our future.

Hope for what may come.  Hope for what is happening.  Hope for the wonder of beginning to see what the next chapter will hold.  Hope for Him.  It's exciting.

It's exciting even when we feel like we are limping over the finish line of 2016.  That's how I feel this year.  I feel like He's turned my world upside down and he's bringing healing to things that, frankly, I didn't see as areas that needed that much attention.  Ha!  Ain't that a kicker!

I rather like leaping and bounding over the finish line of one year and into the race track of the next. I went through a few years of loving to run.  My longest races were two half marathons and, by far, my favorite part about running was the end of the race.  When your muscles are fatigued and worn and every little voice screams 'this is too much' as your near the finish line..... and you contemplate walking instead of running over that dang line.  But then.  Something rises over all of that.  My eyes would lock in on that line and from somewhere a sprint would take over my legs and my arms would pump harder pulling my body to run faster than I had the entire race.  Now that's good.

This year, I'm definitely walking rather than sprinting over the line.  But even typing those words, brings a smile because it is okay to just get over the line!  Sometimes, weakness is a gift. Sometimes, it realigns perspective.  Sometimes, it reminds me that success in life and in Him is not born from my feelings of strength.  Feelings of strength are often mistaken for strength.  Strength is deeper than what feelings tell us.

To me, the connection between strength and hope is undeniable.

And that makes me wonder, do you feel hope?

It's okay to be honest about feeling despair.  It's important to be honest about what we feel.  It's the starting point, after all!  But keep this in mind....despair and hope contend for the same spot.  The same spot!  And there are times that hope feels out of reach.  It feels like having hope would require more faith than is available to us at the moment.  My friend, that's a good time to ask Him for help to hope.  A simple plea, a simple call for rescue.

So know that I'm thinking over you as we approach January 1 and the beginning of new.  The cold and clear air a picture to us that He really does make all things new.  He is the changer.  He is the One who moves swiftly when the time is right.  He is the holder of everything that we need.  He is trustworthy.

As you read today, may you be filled with hope.  May you be filled with hope.  It doesn't matter if we are leaping and bounding or if we are slowly walking over the line of one year into the next....He is hope.  My prayer is that all despair loses its grip and that hope floods in, in its place.

Much much love and happy New Year!

Honest Abi and her honest chin...and its honest companion, The Christmas Cold Sore


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

The Wrestle and the Recovery

What could be more Christmas-y than writing about wrestling and recovering? Precisely: so many many things.  But, whether you wrestle on a tiny scale or an obese scale, I bet there are many of us who find ourselves wrestling in December.  And maybe wrestling with the fact that we are wrestling in December.  HA!

It is good to wrestle.  Yes it is.  When the wrestle comes up for us, we can either make a side-step and avoid it, or we can engage, go deep and walk through it.  Who am I kidding? Walking is far too positive of a word! More like tremor/slather/stumble/army crawl/eek through it.  But, the deception in the side-step is the belief that we can escape it.  To side-step it is a delay and not an escape.

Some straight forward words: I hope that there are people who read these words that aren't like me.  I hope that friends or acquaintances I have that do not share my faith in God are reading and processing with me.  And so, on the hope that that is you... I must say that being 'saved' by Him has not been a one time occurrence in my life.  I have desperately needed to be rescued from myself time after time.  But, I have seen Him, felt Him break into my story and rescue me....save me.  I have lived it.  He rescues me.  And once again, I am taken away at how He has rescued me.  I have needed Him to pull me out of the crazy in my head and HE HAS.  Christians can be crazy in da head.  Christians need to be re-rescued often.

Onward.

So, there is no one more relieved to be checking in from the upswing out of the pit of a wrestling phase than this girl right here.  Re-la-la-la-la-lieved.

When you come out of something intense, you is tired.  Real tired.  And what I wanted to dive into a bit was the space of time right after the wrestle.

And when you're tired, prayers are simple:

'What now God?'

And then so clearly and so consistently He has invited me:

'Come recover in Me.'

It made me pause...the word recover.  Frankly, my natural instinct is to brush myself off, get up, and walk (quickly) away from the scene.  As if it never happened.  I mean, I want to get the good out of it and not forget it.  But, I'd sure like to look as if it never happened.  No sweaty brow, no shaking muscles, no weariness.

But the invitation to recover is not very unclear, now is it?

So as I've moved through recovery, and still am doing so, I've asked Him what that looks like.  How do we recover with Him?  Recovery can be necessary after the smallest wrestle.  After a tough day.  After a difficult run-in.  Recovery need not be saved only for the 'big stuff.'  What if He's inviting you to do the same? Come recover with me....

There are a few things that I know about recovery and much of it mirrors recovery in a physical sense.

1. SLEEP.  Not spiritual slumber....dude, go get a good night of sleep.  Let that rise to top priority.  Has one too many Netflix shows caused you to stay up too late to get a full night of sleep? Catching up on the list of to-dos that didn't get done while you were a bit down? For a bit, sleep needs to be seen as one of the most productive things you can do.  I'm not talking about sleeping the days away.  I'm talking about doing the things in your power to get consistent full nights of sleep.  Allow your body to restore and recalibrate....which impacts everything else.

Hebrews 4:9-11 The Message Translation
"The promise of 'arrival' and 'rest' is still there for God’s people. God himself is at rest. And at the end of the journey we’ll surely rest with God. So let’s keep at it and eventually arrive at the place of rest..."

2. QUIET. Just as if you were side lined from an injury and were forced to let your body recover.... let some things stop that keep the brain busy.  Create some quiet.  He most definitely is right there with you in the wake of the wrestle.  And He wants to process with you...not you on your own trying to figure it all out.  Will He speak? Oh yes, my friend.  He wants to put the puzzle pieces together with you...to help you make the connections....to pull you up so you can see the wrestle from higher up with perspective.  Make some consistent spaces to be quiet with Him and see what happens.

3.  EAT.  What we take in, impacts recovery.  So - let truth and wisdom in.  And that means, seek it out.  Seek out the people who have it.  Read Truth.  Plant yourself in the Psalms if you need a starting point.  This is personal to me...but I find it important to guard the atmosphere around me when I'm recovering.  It's not a time to watch/read/listen to dysfunctional story lines.  Even if it's artistic and well-written or deliciously composed.  Even if the stable you can handle it, the recovering you shouldn't need to handle it.  Take in things that stir up beauty, inspiration, love and truth in you.

Recovery: sleeping, quiet and eating.  It can be challenging in a month like December, but it is possible.

He's in the recovery just as much as He's in the wrestle.  Take it to the bank.

Oh friend! What a journey we get to walk! It takes my breath away and blasts air under my wings all at the same time.


See that dark side strand/chunk of hair on my right cheek?  The one bending by my nose and then sticking straight out?  Yes, that's because it's sticking straight out due to dire need of a good wash.  Tomorrow morning, it's on.  Recovery = dirty hair = but recovery hair has had its last day.  There's only so far dry shampoo can take ya, am I right?

Mucho love,
Honest Abi

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Honesty: When The Wrestle Ain't Over

Every time I write something in December, I feel it ought to be something regarding Christmas, Advent, cookies, memories, gifts, peace: you fill in the blank.  I did actually do it once and I still like it! I don't have it this year, yo.  Don't have it.  Maybe on Christmas Eve.  Maybe the beautiful writing that stirs the Christmas heart will hit me then.  

My last post was gritty. But it was truthful....and may I say, I am a glass half-full girl.  I like that full lens....I like joy. I like rising up. I like wrestling forward.  Progress.  So, when two weeks later, ya still wrasslin, well shoot.  It throws me for a loop to not be upright and on top of all of it.  Instead, I feel like I keep grasping for stability.  Do you ever feel that way?

A few brief thoughts: What the what?

It's seasons like this that make me ask aggressive questions of God.  My big girl voice comes out, honesty breaks in and my prayers sound like heated discussions. "WHAT am I supposed to do? No, I am actually serious here, Sir.  I need you, here, now, and I need to know what to do." And then the verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9 pops into my mind:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

You think to yourself once again, what the what?!?!  Sometimes it's all confounding. I love the thought of His grace being sufficient for me and His power being made perfect in my weakness.  But when you're in the spin of the wrestle, or at least when I am in the spin of the wrestle, lovely thoughts do little for me.  They irritate me.  I get very practical when I'm in the fight.  Practical and real pave the way for inspiration and beauty to come running back.  

So, what does it mean for Your power to be made perfect in my weakness? Some translations say, He is strong when I am weak.  I decided to pull up The Message.  Sometimes the total rephrasing helps me understand the point being made:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 The Message:

7-10 "Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
It's that sentence after 'My strength comes into its own in your weakness' that gets me.  The 'once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.'  AHA!  There is something I can doooooooooooo. It's not all about feeling it - it's not just that the fact is true that His strength comes into fullness when I am weak.  It's that it is true and I let it happen. Puzzle piece.  Next thought: how do I let it happen?
No solid answers.  Only guesses.  I think it has something to do with letting Him take over.  Letting go of the time table.  "Ahem, Darling Lord, let's get the thing done.  Let's wrap 'er up!"  So, cut that concept out of the picture: objective of quick resolve gone.  Apparently, there is more wrestle to do so who am I to say, 'we've had enough fun'?  And in that, 90% of the battle is simply acknowledging that it's happening.  I'm so glass-full that my natural instinct is to see the beautiful fall leaves, adore the fatty ruby red sparkling balls on my Christmas tree, delight in my morning latte, gaze into the sets of gorgeous blue eyes my sons both have, and go on my merry little way.  As I type those things, of course, the answer is not stop seeing beauty and receiving love through the simple things He puts in my path.  But, to the point that I allow those things to aid me in effectively burying my head in the sand and pretending we're done with the wrestle, it prolongs said wrestle.  I would rather pretend it is not happening! Lalalalalalalalalalala.......So, one thing I have started doing is adding some words to my conversations with Him that go a little something like this:
"I appreciate what You are doing in me, Jesus.  I honor it.  I thank you for helping me to wrestle through this.  Help me to be weak when I want to pretend I'm not.  Help me to not hide from what You are doing. I declare over myself that I WILL get to the other side and that I will not circle this mountain endlessly.  By your grace, I will get what You want me to learn.  I won't quit because you are with me.  I won't be afraid of the wrestle."
And I'm going to tell ya, when you pray those words, the fight comes up.  Dagnabbit, yeah! I am not going to wrestle endlessly.  Huh-uh.  Oh we are going to do this thing.  Who wants to walk around a mountain for 40 years? NOT THIS GIRL.  So, even if I don't feel like I'm making a lot of progress, I pray over myself and say that I will get what the Lord wants out of it.  
So, here I sit, the girl in the wrestle.  Don't have the exact language for it yet, looking forward to the other side, but refusing to jump ship because conflict is uncomfortable.  
Even if I like to pout about it sometimes.
Are you wrestling?  Perhaps we should meet for coffee and swap sob stories.  It will be a real good time. Ha!
Much love,
Honest Abi


Sunday, November 20, 2016

Words from the Dirt: When You've Face Planted....Again

Doing stuff is hard.  It's hard for me, at least.  Some arenas of 'stuff' flow out of me like music and seem to get done in a flow of motion that does require effort but ease accompanies it.  That stuff is just as significant as the stuff that comes out of you only by surrendering to the process of pain.  Stuff coming out of you and stuff coming out of me matters.  Whether you feel like you are producing significance within the walls of your life or not, you are.  I am.

That is because He is always producing.  And He is in you.  I guess that's a theological question we have to ponder first.  Do you believe He is in you? Christ in me.  If I do, then the issue of significance has to first be checked against His existence and His nature.  If He is alive, moving, breathing, creating AND He is in me....then I am alive, moving, breathing, creating.  You can let anything that feels otherwise inside of you take a hike.  There is a time for all things.  There is a time to listen intently to the feelings and there is a time to bind them up - acknowledge that the story they are telling you is a lie - and move the blank on.

Recently my face has been in the dirt.  Like a movie scene where two people are fighting and the seemingly stronger opponent, in a swift move, shoves the other's face down to the ground.  The grounded one tastes the dirt, feels the immense pressure, senses the weight of anti-momentum, and for a moment relishes the relief of giving up.

In my story, it all freaking centers around the release of words.  Who knew the amount of drama and resistance writing would stir up?  Not I.  It's a journey I've been in for about two years.  Sisters and brothers - all this wrestle is around writing for me.  If that doesn't stir up a good eye roll in you, I'm not sure what will.  Unless of course, you've wrestled to step into something that calls your name as well.  Something that calls your name but requires you to face your demons, to look your fears in the eye and wrestle them.  He is a wrestler, it turns out.  He has no fear of the wrestle.  Huh.  So unlike me.

Your life is a story.  My life is a story.  And there are two writers who would like to pen the story. One is ultimate truth which leads to a freedom that feels like the brightest air in your lungs.  The other is the one who wants oppression for you - from the time you're little until the time you're done.

Over the two years I've been invited to journey into the land of wrestle, so much has been won as I've surrendered to the wrestle.  I am not the same Abi.  THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!! Truly.  But in the journey, there are layers of the process.  He takes you through one layer, He wins the wrestle with you and for you and in you, and then He lets you rest.  Then comes the next layer.  And somehow the next layer always shocks me.  Errr single time.  Shocked Abi.  Maybe I should look into that domain name.

So the next layer of wrestle found me and here I've been....face in the dirt.  There's something about repeatedly tasting dirt.  It's both strength building and disarmingly scary.  Scary because the vulnerability you feel seems louder and stronger each time.  Your walls are thinner and weaker...which is ultimately good.  But you feel the throw down to the ground more acutely.  And the thought that rains down on you is, 'I'm not sure strength will win this time. Perhaps this is the time my weaknesses, my gaps, my familiar and crippling untrue beliefs will have the final say.' Here's the wrestle.  This is the ground at stake, isn't it?

But we do not wrestle alone.

As much as I care about this ground and these questions...HE is ardent about them.  What? Doesn't that make your mind hurt as you try to comprehend it? How could He possibly care more than I do? How could He be more concerned about the outcome of the journey than I am? But He shows His ardent care by provoking the wrestle when it's time.  Head scratcher.  He cares enough to get me one layer closer to conclusion.  If He were to snap His all-creating fingers and pop me over the wrestle to the other side....I would have no muscle, skill or capacity to carrying the new Abi.  It would be like someone gave me finely crafted, totally customized armor to wear....but I had never worn armor.  It's heavy.  It's essential for the other side, this armor.  It's what enables us to thrive and survive the new land but you have to have the muscle mass to not be taken down by the weight of the armor.  You have to train to fight.

I try to listen hard when my face is in the dirt.  Because He is always faithful to send me voices of truth.  This week, Carol told me to create from the place of brokenness...to lead from weakness and a broken-heart moment...that it would be the thing that caused huge waves.  I hadn't told her the depth of my face-in-the-dirtedness.  Zion looked me firmly in the eyes and told me he believed in me.  That I would break through and that I was almost there.  He let me borrow his belief.  And then He whispers over me.  This time I felt Him inviting me to embrace the darkness and the brokenness....to move forward while being face planted.  So here we are.  Exposing the fragility without shame. Welcoming the wrestle and the feelings of weakness and saying - let's allow this to produce something instead of letting it tell me its endless story of oppression.

Weakness and brokenness can be the open doors to truth.  They don't have to hold us down with a label of being stuck.  They can simply be part of the wrestle and part of being human and part of overcoming.

Thank you for reading.














Much love,

Honest Abi