Tuesday, December 4, 2012

It's Complicated

Sometimes I feel like my favorite posts come out of the moments when I don't really know exactly what I am going to write - but there is feeling welling up in my heart so I know I have to write something.

Today I feel like being transparent. Yikes. There are those occasions after I've been transparent that I immediately wonder if it was too much. Too much honesty. Too much vulnerability. Opening oneself to judgement surely. But there is just something about me that can't help it! Maybe I'll mature out of that someday - or maybe I'll mature into the capacity to quiet the hindering thoughts when I've got the urge to spill the beans. :)

I quit my job a little over four months ago to be at home with Liam full time. I quit because of moments like this. There is not one second of regret over the decision. He is a gift beyond words and the opportunity to pour into his both tiny and colossal heart is something I cherish dearly. But the journey of my heart since quitting has been - complicated.

It's complicated on many levels. I don't miss the work - honestly I feel like I'm working harder than I ever have in my life! I am shocked that I don't miss the adult interaction as much as I thought I would. Me and my little buddy have a great time together and there are new relationships building in my new-to-me-world. It's deeper than the work and the adult interaction.

It's the question: Who Am I?

It's the part of my pride that says - I know I'm smart and I could probably whip most smarty pants at their own game given a little time but here I am staring at that freaking bedroom that looks like college students sleep there instead of a grown man and woman. Shouldn't cleaned rooms just stay clean for goodness sake? It's the moments when I'm asked what I do and my mouth goes a little dry at the phrase 'stay at home mom.'

It's the thought of that blasted kitchen getting dirtied all over again because it's time for dinner. It's the part of not working that encompasses becoming more of a servant to all.

Which brings me to yet another point of complication: the undeniable example Jesus gives us is to be precisely a servant of all. To lay down one's life for his brother. To love your neighbor as you love yourself. To love the Lord with all your heart and to love others. I mean - the list goes on!

I wrestle.

And I've come to the point of believing that God has appointed this great battle in my heart. I truly believe that He has something for me to uncover in Him in this process. That there is a revelation to be garnered if I continue to seek. Because He also says that if I seek Him, I WILL find Him.

So who am I? I am a wife and I am a mom. I am a cook/maid/house cleaner. But I'm also a teacher/strategist/marketer/creative/negotiator/go-getter. I'm all of it. And I know that I know that I know God has a unique path for my life and specific jobs for me to do.

The funny thing is that I don't live under this cloud of complicated confusion. I sincerely love my life and love the opportunity that I have to raise Liam. Our days are full and happy. Then all of the sudden - these questions will surface in my heart and present themselves so strongly that I have to give thought to them. It's almost as if the Holy Spirit stirs the waters in my soul and nearly forces my face into the questions. I think His point is that He holds the key to this resolve :).

So I live with the knowledge that this precious opportunity to be at home with Liam is not my ticket into retiring my destiny. It's not my path to sitting back and propping the feet up in terms of significance (in case you're wondering - I 100% believe that raising children and managing a home are worthy in and of themselves as a destiny and they are most certainly significant). My path is not to now see my wonderful champion of a husband as the major and I am the minor. His calling is bigger/mine is smaller - you get the picture. My opportunity is to now grab onto the robes of Jesus and allow Him to show me how to live each day as worship. By the way, it's the mopping the floor that I struggle with loving not the teaching and parenting my child LOL!

I am sure that if a handful of different readers read this post - the reactions would vary greatly. You may not feel that you can identify - or you may identify very deeply.

So come help we women Lord! :) We are a complicated lot to be certain! We are as unique as the zebra - no one animal's stripes being exactly like another's. But we do long to be found in you because you cover every ounce of quirk we contain. I long to lay every question I have about this moment and about the future at your feet and rest. You are good and Your plans for us are undeniable.

Ahhhh yes. The end of this post. I'm not even re-reading this one for editing because I'd probably delete the entire thing before posting! So please forgive the typos - I am pretty bad at typos! I think the important thing - for me - is to put it out there (the good, the bad, the wrong, the true, etc). It's my obedience today.

Happy Tuesday Friend,