Friday, April 19, 2013

That was ugly!

It's three o'clock in the afternoon and I've just showered for the day. I'm wet haired and fluffy robed and looking for a restart on this day even though so much of it has passed.

Can we just keep it real? I'd like to put out there blow-by-blow what's happened today more for me than anyone else. Kind of like a therapy session with Jesus but you happen to be there too :).

When I say ugly I mean it started when I opened my eyes this morning. I woke up at 5:45 to Zion getting ready and Liam whimpering on the monitor. I have been tired this week because of this stupid diet I'm doing. So I didn't really intend to get up until 6:30 or 7:00. Liam has also been sick this week with a cold or something that has caused fever, cough and the personality of - well - not the usual Liam. My foremost gift is not mercy so day three of sick child is one that causes me to press into Higher Powers anyways! (First two days were great though :).

So we wake up at 5:45. Liam goes back to sleep but I'm awake. Why oh why! Ever since entering mommyworld - I just can't sleep like I used to! Even when I should be able to fall back to sleep - I'm alert and my brain starts ch-ch-churning. But I hopefully lie in bed until 6:25 when Liam wakes up for real. Because of the cold he had a hard time getting to bed last night - so late bed time and early wake time. Happy Friday.

So we're up! And I feel overwhelmed almost as soon as our day began. The house needs hours of work. This week with the diet, tiredness, Liam's cold, etc has lent to less than normal attention being given to the house. How you ever stepped back to take note of how amazingly impacting our homes are? A clean house lifts my spirits, makes me feel alive and like I can actually live life - the important parts of life. A dirty home makes me feel closed in, hopeless, unsuccessful, and the list goes on.

A dirty house + tired mama + Liam on a cold = our Friday.

So, we attempted to go about our day but Liam wasn't having some our norms. Seems like no food was acceptable (due to being sick), no was the answer to everything, outside was the only thing he wanted (mama doesn't play outside when it's 45 degrees), and more messes were made by the minute. On top of that, I needed to personally get a lot done: review a recent insurance quote, read my book so I'm ready for the next five days of said diet, uh - clean the kitchen, sit down and get an announcement ready for church on Sunday, the list goes on. I didn't expect to get all of that done while Liam was awake but yeah - none of it got done. Each little no out of his sweet mouth piled another stone of frustration quietly building up inside of me.

Until it happen. I lost it. Big time.

The fishies (Goldfish) and their cup and their boy had followed me to potty time. Mommy's potty time that is. And they were dumped on the floor.

"Liam, put your fishies back in the cup." Blank stare.

"Liam, put your fishies back in the cup." The hand starts to move...

"Liam... -" The hand starts to grind the fishies into the grout and then spread them further across the bathroom floor.

I shall not go into details but, I was yelling. I hate yelling. Should I be posting this in public LOL? I scooped him up and plopped him into a chair and told him to stay there under no uncertain terms. I went to the kitchen and yelled more. I'm not kidding! Every frustrating moment from the week piled up and forged its way out. Honesty at its best friends.

Did I mention it was ugly? Do I ever feel more ugly than in moments like that?

After taking him back to the bathroom and working with him to clean up the fishies, I apologized and asked Liam to forgive me. Not because I was frustrated. There were very good reasons for that. But because my frustration became anger that he has no real way of processing. Scary!

So funny and humbling how all he wants is to be close and love after moments like that. It's again - humbling.

We made it fairly well until nap time. We probably waited fifteen minutes too long to go down and he was a little wound up. We rocked, read books, drank milk and went down. He fussed. The fussing turned to crying. Turned to getting really worked up. When I went in and found that he had a dirty diaper. Buuuut - the cold this week has made him really snotty. Have you ever cried through snot? Well - on top of the crying continuing through diaper change - the vomit started. While still crying. I mean - I'm feeling like an all together mom-sized-failure at this moment.

We cuddled a long time. He fell asleep on me and went down for his nap. I got in the shower and sat on the shower floor under the water for twenty minutes.

These are the days that make you tremble on the inside! In my absolutely worn down-ed-ness I have been talking with the Lord. Mostly it's to the tune of 'Oh Jesus you have to help me. Can you even believe me right now? Please please please show me how to climb out of this."

Funny - the verse that keeps coming to me is: 2 Timothy 1:4 "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." Some versions use sound mind instead of self-control. The thing that surprises me is that the Lord was pointing me to fear as the root instead of anger. Hmmmmmmm....I didn't feel afraid. I felt frustrated, tired and then angry. But fear you say? Well, then let's dig a little deeper.

What caused the frustration and anger....perhaps it was thoughts like:
"I don't know if I can be sweet for day three of the cold."
"How will I ever get back on top of the house?"
"I feel like our little world is falling apart today."
"I'm so tired - how can I muster up the energy to get stuff done today?"

Ironically, there indeed is a theme of fear in each of those thoughts! Which led to the frustration and anger.

So like I said, more than anything I just personally needed to flush out our day. But, I hope that maybe you feel a little better about yourself after reading! LOL. Perhaps your melt down doesn't seem as bad as mine? Perhaps you too can see that maybe fear is the root of most anger. Now that's something to pray about if you ask me!

I've kept it real and today has restarted. I hope you have a lovely weekend! Grace and peace to you my friend....


Monday, April 15, 2013

Hi it's me. I still blog. And here's my life in i-phone pictures.

HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tell myself that I will get better at consistency with blogging. Ha! Needless to say, it's been too long. I just console myself by saying 'Hey - at least you got back on the horse!'

There's actually a lot on my heart for my little blog but tonight, I think a broad update is in order. A little of this and a little of that.

Life has been full, good, interesting, fun, entertaining and did I mention full? My brain finds it easiest to move through things categorically when I'm trying to limit blabbering on so let's start off with a complicated one: My life as a _____________. Still don't have the right words for 'stay at home mom!' :)

Life in this department is becoming more fluid. I feel a lot less lost in terms of what my days are supposed to look like. There's a good ebb and flow between working the list and building relationships and rolling around on the floor laughing with Liam. I'm finding purpose in my days and peace in my heart that God's plan for my life is going to be full of variety. This is a big and important season of my life. I don't want to miss it trying to figure out what the next season will look like. There are moments when I still feel the brunt of transition but that's happening less and less.

My life as a mom:

Liam is such a fun little person these days. He's looking more and more like a little boy and after he got his haircut today he looked more like his daddy than ever! His language is vast although I understand a fraction of what he actually says. Even at that, his number of words he can say is huge! I'm consciously trying to soak up this time as a mom of one with that one being so independent. We can get in and out of the car so easily now! We love sharing a bag of popcorn. We love going on walks and talking back and forth about what we see. We love reading books together. And we LOVE dancing together!

I certainly have my moments of weakness/failure/frustration as he grows more independent and willful but overall, life with Liam is beautiful. The more I let go, the more beautiful it seems to become.

My life as a wife:

Is good! Darn it, wouldn't you know, the more love you sow the more you reap! It seems like God is giving me grace to yield to some things that I've resisted in the past and the payoffs have been huge. The more mercy and forgiveness I extend, the more sweetness is in the air. The more respect I cultivate in my heart for him, the more loved AND respected I feel in return. The more I pray for him, the more my heart is connected to his. He's becoming a man I am in awe of and it makes me want to step up to the plate. Really thankful that we've pushed through the hard times together and just kept coming back to pursuing each other.

My life as a thankful Believer:

The two themes in my heart recently have been trust and mercy. Have you heard the new Hillsong United song with the lyric 'Jesus take me where my trust is without borders...'? Man that's been reverberating in me over and over again! I want to trust Him more - which means laying down my control. Which means trading in my deeply-held vision for my life in order to have His vision. Which means trusting in the character of God even when the circumstances stir wildly emotional responses. And mercy. Oh mercy! I have received what I didn't deserve. It wasn't fair and it wasn't earned. There are opportunities every single day in which I have to decide if I will extend mercy to another person. Mercy and forgiveness are leading me to a much more restful life in Christ. Aren't you thankful that He speaks? That the Spirit of God leads us into all truth?

My life as me:

Here are some random thoughts - God is trustworthy. There were a lot of years that I felt the sting of rejection with girlfriends growing up. But God has and continues to bring so many special girlfriends into my life now. Being a good friend and cultivating healthy relationships is core for me. I love the relationships He's building in my life right now! Two of which are a few very special highschoolers I get to hang out with and keep my cool factor in check. :) Next random thought - I started a diet today! Dear me. It's been years since I said that last. I wasn't looking for one but this one kind of found me and instantaneously felt right. A body reset is exactly what I think I've been needing. We'll see how it goes though! At the moment, I am seriously hungry. If only chips and salsa were a part of this thing, this wouldn't be an issue! LOL. At any rate, I'm committed for the fifteen days and hopeful. I'll keep you updated.


Sorry this is sideways :( BUT HELLO FABRIC that needs to be in my house!

Hope you're well!

Love y'all,