Can we just keep it real? I'd like to put out there blow-by-blow what's happened today more for me than anyone else. Kind of like a therapy session with Jesus but you happen to be there too :).
When I say ugly I mean it started when I opened my eyes this morning. I woke up at 5:45 to Zion getting ready and Liam whimpering on the monitor. I have been tired this week because of this
So we wake up at 5:45. Liam goes back to sleep but I'm awake. Why oh why! Ever since entering mommyworld - I just can't sleep like I used to! Even when I should be able to fall back to sleep - I'm alert and my brain starts ch-ch-churning. But I hopefully lie in bed until 6:25 when Liam wakes up for real. Because of the cold he had a hard time getting to bed last night - so late bed time and early wake time. Happy Friday.
So we're up! And I feel overwhelmed almost as soon as our day began. The house needs hours of work. This week with the diet, tiredness, Liam's cold, etc has lent to less than normal attention being given to the house. How you ever stepped back to take note of how amazingly impacting our homes are? A clean house lifts my spirits, makes me feel alive and like I can actually live life - the important parts of life. A dirty home makes me feel closed in, hopeless, unsuccessful, and the list goes on.
A dirty house + tired mama + Liam on a cold = our Friday.
So, we attempted to go about our day but Liam wasn't having some our norms. Seems like no food was acceptable (due to being sick), no was the answer to everything, outside was the only thing he wanted (mama doesn't play outside when it's 45 degrees), and more messes were made by the minute. On top of that, I needed to personally get a lot done: review a recent insurance quote, read my book so I'm ready for the next five days of said diet, uh - clean the kitchen, sit down and get an announcement ready for church on Sunday, the list goes on. I didn't expect to get all of that done while Liam was awake but yeah - none of it got done. Each little no out of his sweet mouth piled another stone of frustration quietly building up inside of me.
Until it happen. I lost it. Big time.
The fishies (Goldfish) and their cup and their boy had followed me to potty time. Mommy's potty time that is. And they were dumped on the floor.
"Liam, put your fishies back in the cup." Blank stare.
"Liam, put your fishies back in the cup." The hand starts to move...
"Liam... -" The hand starts to grind the fishies into the grout and then spread them further across the bathroom floor.
I shall not go into details but, I was yelling. I hate yelling. Should I be posting this in public LOL? I scooped him up and plopped him into a chair and told him to stay there under no uncertain terms. I went to the kitchen and yelled more. I'm not kidding! Every frustrating moment from the week piled up and forged its way out. Honesty at its best friends.
Did I mention it was ugly? Do I ever feel more ugly than in moments like that?
After taking him back to the bathroom and working with him to clean up the fishies, I apologized and asked Liam to forgive me. Not because I was frustrated. There were very good reasons for that. But because my frustration became anger that he has no real way of processing. Scary!
So funny and humbling how all he wants is to be close and love after moments like that. It's again - humbling.
We made it fairly well until nap time. We probably waited fifteen minutes too long to go down and he was a little wound up. We rocked, read books, drank milk and went down. He fussed. The fussing turned to crying. Turned to getting really worked up. When I went in and found that he had a dirty diaper. Buuuut - the cold this week has made him really snotty. Have you ever cried through snot? Well - on top of the crying continuing through diaper change - the vomit started. While still crying. I mean - I'm feeling like an all together mom-sized-failure at this moment.
We cuddled a long time. He fell asleep on me and went down for his nap. I got in the shower and sat on the shower floor under the water for twenty minutes.
These are the days that make you tremble on the inside! In my absolutely worn down-ed-ness I have been talking with the Lord. Mostly it's to the tune of 'Oh Jesus you have to help me. Can you even believe me right now? Please please please show me how to climb out of this."
Funny - the verse that keeps coming to me is: 2 Timothy 1:4 "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." Some versions use sound mind instead of self-control. The thing that surprises me is that the Lord was pointing me to fear as the root instead of anger. Hmmmmmmm....I didn't feel afraid. I felt frustrated, tired and then angry. But fear you say? Well, then let's dig a little deeper.
What caused the frustration and anger....perhaps it was thoughts like:
"I don't know if I can be sweet for day three of the cold."
"How will I ever get back on top of the house?"
"I feel like our little world is falling apart today."
"I'm so tired - how can I muster up the energy to get stuff done today?"
Ironically, there indeed is a theme of fear in each of those thoughts! Which led to the frustration and anger.
So like I said, more than anything I just personally needed to flush out our day. But, I hope that maybe you feel a little better about yourself after reading! LOL. Perhaps your melt down doesn't seem as bad as mine? Perhaps you too can see that maybe fear is the root of most anger. Now that's something to pray about if you ask me!
I've kept it real and today has restarted. I hope you have a lovely weekend! Grace and peace to you my friend....