Girlfriending Part Four: My Story of Finding Mutuality in Friendship

Wish we were sharing space right now. My space is unusually sacred...or at least it feels unusually sacred this morning! My mom picked up Liam for a few hours and my heart is so thankful. After a few weeks, even the most in love mama's heart needs an ever loving moment of quiet in her home! I rejoice in the noise and at this moment, I rejoice in the silence. And in the presence of my latte to my left. And in music playing loudly to set a tone in this space. Like I said, I wish we were sharing the space. That is, as long as you'd be okay sitting quietly with me!

Good morning girlfriends! Ahhhh I know that plenty of people will read this well after morning time, but I love the phrase 'good morning.' It's happy. It's hopeful. It's like a latte in the early hours. Heart lifting. So good morning to you!

If you're a process person and want to read the three posts on girlfriending leading up to this one, here you go. Part one, part two, and part three.

May I just say that this series on girlfriending has been so meaningful to me? It means so much to me that I have had the honor of sharing it with you. That you have done me the honor of reading. This topic is near and dear to my heart and I have enjoyed the process of hashing it out with you. I have a feeling I will read back in a few months and see many tweaks to be made so thanks for embracing the raw first version with me. The last two Fridays were delightful off weeks from blogging for me because vacation happened! PRAISES! It was good and I am thankful - I mean, look at that placid blanket of green and blue creation behind us!



But I am jumping back into the series today and maybe it's the latte, maybe it's the music, I don't know but my fingers are tingly as I type. I'd like to tell you a story today. It's another piece of my story and it has to do with my journey to developing mutuality in girlfriending. Ever since I tapped on mutuality as a sign of health in relationships, I knew that there was more to that point and I'm hoping to dig deeper together this morning.

When you look up the definition of the word mutual or mutuality - the most common word you'll find defining it is the word 'shared.' Think about toddlers learning to share (particularly relevant in my world at the moment lol!). A huge part of sharing inevitably becomes taking turns. 'Okay Liam, now Isaiah gets ten minutes to play with the toy. Your ten minutes are over. Take your hands off of the toy and let him enjoy it. No crying.' Every single little human struggles to embrace the concept! And as we grow in age, it gets more complicated but we still encounter moments of struggling to share - to give and to take.

Are your relationships marked by mutuality? Do you both take time to dig at each other's hearts at some point? Can you both easily see when one of you needs the 'spotlight' for a bit and go with that? And after, does she have a heart to check in with you? Of course, mutuality does not mean 50/50. There's no such thing as striking the perfect balance. This is referring more to an overall tone to the relationship. If you take a step back at look at your time spent together from high up - is your conversational time spent talking about both of your journeys or more about one of your journeys? Big picture is the only way to take an honest look at this because certainly, we go through seasons and I may be in a season where I am the one who is simply weak and needs a lot more than the other. If we were to look at that one season, it would look whacked out of balance. Look at the whole of the relational journey.



And here's where we come to my personal journey with mutuality. There are two types in relationships: the giver and the taker. Healthy girlfriending is marked by stepping into both roles - back and forth.

For many years, I was the chronic giver.

To some, it may have looked awesome. I had plenty of close friendships and they were truly enjoyable. Friends shared honestly with me because I tried to listen with compassion instead of judgement and spoke words of life. Sister, if there has ever been a good conversationalist/question asker - it. is. me. I can keep you talking for hours. One question leads to the next. I may start with a general question but after you give your answer I can pick up on what's potentially behind the answer and ask the next question. Before you know it - we are knee-deep. Kind of like a personal psychologist LOL!

For a long time, I felt great about playing that role. It felt good to give. It was natural to me. Often, it was even what I would say was a role God had given me to walk out. He met me there and He helped me love on people right where they were.

But, can you see the pitfalls to always being the giver? Can you read beneath my words to see the roots of my actions?

You probably can, smartypants! You guessed it - being the giver was, in reality, self-protection, insecurity and pride all wrapped into one big ball of being a 'great conversationalist.' Self-protection: if I can keep you talking my vulnerability is nice and low in the relationship. Insecurity: is it okay for me to be needy? For me to ask for attention? How do I even DO THAT????????????? Pride: I'm not needy. I've got my junk together people. You're the one who needs me.

UGLY. Not healthy. Not good. It took a lot of years for the Lord to start prodding me into more and more discomfort with always being in the giver position. Because life happens. We ALL hit moments of genuine need and we have innate and God-given desire to put it all out there to a trusted friend for feedback, input and prayer. At first, it started as this little thought quietly within me 'Grrrr who can I even talk to about this? Is anyone here for me or do I always just have to be there for them? Surely someone can pick up on the fact that I need to talk, why isn't anyone initiating with me???' In other words, 'What's wrong with these people?' LOL. You see where this is going.

Well, the Lord is thorough if He is anything, my friend. He did prompt the discomfort and dissatisfaction within me, but then He started showing me the next step. Oh shoot. It's not them. It's me. I have created this. In essence, I had trained my friends to receive from me. I had told them, through my actions, 'don't worry. I don't need you to think about me. This can be all about you.' (PS - I should mention that not ALL of my friendships were like this. There were treasures of friends just waiting for me to crack open so that they could return the favor. This was simply the pattern that the Lord was trying to teach me about.)

How had I created this? By making sure that I was the one mostly doing the question asking. By giving answers to their questions that were honest but short and quickly followed by another question aimed at them. By not really letting there be moments of space or silence within the conversation. By not being weak in front of them when I felt weak. The list goes on, but I think you get the gist.

This did not add up to mutuality in my girlfriending. It added up to a tired and spent me.

Now what's a girl to do with this kind of realization? Well, for a question asker, asking different questions was the right answer. Which did NOT feel good. It did not feel natural. I was retraining myself as much as anyone else. A few things that the Lord started to lead me in were:

- Asking myself before we hung out, how do I feel? Is something going on that I really should be transparent about? Do I feel strong or do I feel frustrated? If the answer was frustrated then I needed to make sure I didn't keep the conversation moving at lightning speed...allow for some silence.

- Finding some key phrases that worked for me. They were like little flags I could throw up in an effort to shift the dynamic away from me giving to me receiving. Some of my phrases were/are: "Actually, I kind of need to talk." "I'm struggling." "Can I get your feedback on something?" "Would you pray with me about something?"

- Forcing myself to talk. Not every one of my friends is as skilled in asking questions as I am. In those cases, they are skilled in different ways that I simply am not. So, in some situations, I know that they won't ask me the series of prodding questions that I would ask to help someone to open up. Not because they don't care or they don't want to hear the answers...the question asking just isn't in their skill set. In those cases, when I need to talk, I use one of the phrases above and then make myself talk for as long as possible. It sounds so weird and awkward doesn't it??? If it does, that may mean you're a chronic giver like I am!

I am so very thankful to be able to say that the Lord has changed a lot in me regarding this area. I have many friends and family members who are great at listening when I need a listening ear. They are great at supporting me. We enjoy mutuality. But it is because I allowed mutuality to grow within our relationship. I could have kept going and going and kept that door safely shut. I am so deeply thankful that He helped me shift, though. I still LOVE being the giver because He made me that way! But now, I realize that there is nothing He created to only give. All of creation gives and takes. Flowers drink up water and sunshine and receive pollen from bees. Clouds give out water and then they stop giving out water. Horses run hard and then stop to eat the grass and drink the water. At work, we work hard for the morning and then stop to eat food at lunch and give our brains a rest. It is the design of His creation! Mutuality is laced throughout everything He does because HE IS MUTUAL. He receives from us. Mind blowing. Not because innately He needs us but because He chooses to need and receive from us. If He chooses to be a taker sometimes, then shoot! I better get on the bandwagon, too!

A few notes in closing. First, not every girlfriend relationship is totally mutual. Again, refrain from thinking in terms of a 100% goal and look at big picture patterns. There are relationships that are very dear to me that aren't necessarily marked by mutuality. There are other reasons those relationships are meaningful and important to me. Second, I have obviously only talked about givers because that's what I am intimately acquainted with. If you have the courage and grace to honestly take a look and see that your pattern is more in the camp of being a taker - way to go! That takes guts to admit but it's a very very positive thing to realize. My simple tips would be to start praying about it with the Lord and then to start going into time with a friend with a few questions ready to go to get them talking for a change. If you need to talk about something deeply - do it. But then, pull yourself together and at the end say something like "Thank you so much for listening and talking with me about that. But I want to hear about you now! Tell me something that's going on in your life."

Whew! This one was really something! I feel spent in a good way :). I am CERTAIN you have thoughts on mutuality. Please reach out to me with your thoughts! My journey towards mutuality is not complete or perfect. He is still prompting me and teaching me...so thankful for that. But all I can say is that the more I have made space for mutuality, the more beautiful, life-giving, and rich my girlfriending has become. I am convinced it matters.

Happy weekending my friend! I pray it's full of rich and mutual interactions :).

Lots of love,
Abi

P.S. Here's one of my dears. We became friends in high school Freshman year book class. We've been bridesmaids in each other's weddings and now we share the experience of raising boys. Treasure. Yep - this was Freshman beauty at its best folks.

Girlfriending Part Three: Signs of a Healthy Girlfriend Relationship

Girlfriend! How are you doing right at this moment? I hope your day is going well so far. I hope that you feel grace today. I hope that you remember that you are not alone. I hope that your eyes are lifted up to where your help comes from! I've been reminded so very many times that all it takes for an entire day to turn around is for me to simply lift my eyes up. Whew - let's all just take a brief moment to stop all other thoughts in our heads and just think on that. We DO have help! There IS a helper!

I want to say thank you for joining me in this topic of healthy girlfriending. Thank you! I have so appreciated your support, your input and hearing about your experiences. The more I think and pray about it, the more I'm convinced we could probably spend weeks upon weeks on this topic! We shall refrain from that :). But, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for journeying with me! Here's a link to to part one and here's a link to part two.

Healthy Girlfriending. Over the years, I have been able to see patterns within my friendships that are healthy. No friendship is the same as another, clearly. And no friendship is perfect. But there are patterns that I've repeatedly experienced within friendship that tell me the relationship is life-giving and mutual. Healthy girlfriending relationships are SUCH a blessing and bring so much joy to life. But girl, they are developed over time and grown in to! We don't start friendships one day and wake up the next with deep and healthy friendships. But with patience, they come!


(Family can be the greatest source of joy in relationship!)

First, before we delve into some of the patterns I have seen in my healthy relationships, stop and take a second to think about some of your healthy girlfriending relationships. What are some of the things that tell you its a healthy relationship? How does it differ from others? Message me and tell me what some of your markers are. ALSO, please stay tuned through the end of the post. If you read these signs of a healthy relationship and your heart starts to get ansty because you don't think your friendships are healthy after all, don't get panicked! There is encouragement for you at the end.

Let's go!


(Life Group! This was in the first trimester...ya know the 'filling out' stage with no clear bump to show for it. Ha! But this has been one source of great girlfriending - filled with delightful variety!)

Indicators that your girlfriending is healthy:

1. After you spend time together, talk on the phone, text, email...You feel good. Sounds simple, right?! But, once you've walked through a number of relationships you find that it simply is not the case in every girlfriend relationship. But, if you can walk away feeling encouraged, with a lifted heart and perspective, that's the golden ticket. The opposite would be to walk away from time together feeling heavy from gossip, worry, criticism, or let's be honest - just plain old stupid conversation. I kid you not, the stupid talk can really get to you after a while. Of course you should have fun and have silly conversation! But if there's not more to it than that, at some point, girlfriending exhaustion sets in.

2. The real you comes out when you're with her. Now here's the deal about the real me: different elements of the real me come out with different girlfriends. Different ones pull out different sides of me. Which I LOVE! It's also another reason why I really think having just one close girlfriend is only a fraction of what God intended you to have through girlfriending relationships. If you repeatedly come away from time with a friend feeling like you just weren't yourself, something's up. Frankly, something's up with the dynamic of the friendship OR something's up with you. At the end of the day, it's no one else's responsibility but mine to make sure that I'm being the true me. Sometimes the true me works within the context of girfriending relationship and sometimes it does not. That's OKAY! But the girlfriends we should focus on giving our time and energy to are the one's that pull truth out of us. The ones that you find yourself saying how you really feel to. The ones that somehow, through the course of conversation, bring you to a point of revelation. The ones that you feel comfortable letting your true sense of humor out with :). The ones that you would have an honest-to-goodness dance party with!

3. The relationship can survive conflict. It IS going to happen. It may not be early in the relationship (actually, let's HOPE it's not!), but at some point probably years in, it will happen. Someone will hurt someone. Whether intentionally or not, we are talking about two human beings here. In fact, I think that conflict can be a sign of health instead of dysfunction. It can be healthy in the sense that it shows you are close enough to each other, honest enough with one another, guards let down enough with one another that you are vulnerable to each other. That's good! If I never had conflict in any girlfriending relationship over the course of years, I could safely assume that I had a wall up around my heart to protect myself. I can do relationship like that, but I'm simply not going to experience the depth of what God has for me within friendship. A sign of a healthy girlfriending relationship is to experience conflict, work through it, and get to the other side with friendship in tact. Yes my friend, we know we've arrived when we can go both down and up together. (Note: A relationship should not be marked by drama or continuous conflict. Drama is different than isolated moments of conflict.)

4. Your relationship is fun when it's just you and her and it's fun when new people are added to the mix. Let's make this one short and sweet: Only having fun when it's just you and her, or the three of you, is the stuff of middle schoolers. It's not a sign of maturity or health. Instead, the goal should be to cherish the time you have alone and to open your heart to others when you are with them. That means that you have the capacity to enjoy a very special dynamic together but to not flaunt that dynamic if the face of others when it's more than the two of you hanging out. One of the things I was instantly in love with about Zion was that the fact that I could take him with me to a social gathering of my friends and he handled himself with grace and confidence. I didn't have to babysit him! He wasn't glued to my side the entire evening! He was able to see others of value in the gathering and enjoy them on his own. Dang, that's what I call sexy! LOL! The same basic principle applies to girlfriending. Healthy girlfriends can put their big girl panties on and have fun with others!

5. The relationship makes you want more of God. It's not to say that you talk about God non-stop. It's not that every time together is a Bible study. But it IS to say that I generally walk away with a stirred hunger for God, for truth, for more of Him. It is to say that I can be transparent about my weakness and my strength in Him. It is to say that I know she's wanting Him and let's face it, hunger is contagious. AND - it is to say that she supports and wants health and growth for all of my other relationships. Which certainly includes the most important relationship with God but also extends to my husband, my children, my parents, my other friends...etc. The fruit of our girlfriending relationship is that I feel spurred on by her in other relationships. I feel encouraged to do the right thing. I feel strengthened to step up to the plate. I feel hungry to press in. Health in this relationship should spur on health in other relationships.


(One lifer girlfriend and one who became a lifer the second my brother started dating her and then married her!)

WHEW GIRLS! Another bit of this series down! I find myself encouraged and challenged by my own words, LOL! There is not one of us who doesn't need to grow in healthy girlfriending - including myself.

So, let me take a brief moment to address your heart should you feel discouraged at this point. Don't give up! Don't go out and cut off friendships! Don't feel down if you don't see these signs of health in your girlfriending! Instead - start praying. Ask God to show you the steps you can take to breed more health in your relationships. I always always always find that it's usually my place to take the first step. If I read this list and was discouraged, I hope that I'd have the strength to say, 'Okay, how can I help my friends to feel light hearted? How can I create an atmosphere of working through conflict? How can I encourage us to be okay spending time with others? ect...' But more than anything dear reader, talk to God about it. The Holy Spirit is our helper. He is our counselor. He will show you steps to take. There is only one friendship in my life that I am no longer engaged with at any level. One out of many. The answer is not to dump everyone...just pray.

I pray that you do feel encouraged! After writing, I am SO THANKFUL for the friendships God has put in my life. I want to keep growing. I want to get better at loving. And it thrills my heart to know that that is what HE wants for me too.

Thank you for reading. And seriously, I'd really love to hear what some of your indicators of healthy girlfriending are. What have you seen as a pattern? Hit up me, chica!

Happy weekending and much love,
Abi

Girlfriending: Getting Started

Today is one of those Fridays that make me want to do a little dance. Maybe a jig! The sun is shining (and started doing so before 6 AM), the man is already out the door for work (you go Z!), and the man child is tucked into his couch with Thomas in hand while he watches Thomas. And I'm sitting here - pretending that I'm chatting with you instead of typing words on a screen. It's a jig worthy Friday, my friends!

Girlfriending! What a fun, deep and wide topic. Last week, I started a series on Girlfriending because I love this topic and all of God that we can find within it! Here's a link to part one if you are interested. It's one of those things that we rarely ever think about in terms of how much there is to learn. We all just assume that we all know what we're doing! But I think that girlfriending in a healthy and life-giving way is much more of a learned skill than we give it credit for.



At the end of the day, girlfriending is about girls. And Lord only knows, we all hope and pray we get better with age, but sometimes our humanity gets the very best of us - still. Shoot!

So today, I thought I'd explore the foundation of healthy girlfriending. Because the truth is - we don't become great girlfriends after we have been given great girlfriends. Certainly - we continue learning through each and every relationship. But it all starts way before any one particularly great friend comes into your life and changes your perspective forever. It starts with me. It starts with you! It starts with you, me and God - just us.

So maybe you have a corral full of treasured girlfriends. Maybe you have three. Maybe you're really wondering what is wrong and why this part of your life seems to struggle. Regardless of your circumstance, I think it's healthy for all of us to go back to the very beginning and take a look in the mirror. These are a few of the things I have discovered to be key to my ability to be a life-giving girlfriend in the first place.

1. My perspective of God. He is the one who knows me better than anyone else possibly could. He knows me better than I know myself. He loves me more than any other human is capable of loving. Girlfriends are His idea and His creation, but the truth is that He is enough. He can be enough! The more I delve into this relationship, the more healthy I am in other relationships. And conversely, the less I delve into relationship with Him, the needier I am and wonkier I am in girlfriend relationships. There is a deep need we were born with that He and only He can fill. If I don't allow Him to intimately, genuinely and lovingly deal with me at my core, I will constantly be left feeling that something is missing in my girlfriend relationships. She was never meant to meet that need. She never will. And she'll get very tired if she's being asked to meet needs that she has no possible way of meeting.

If my identity isn't dealt with in Him, then I will be looking to her to fulfill a part of my identity. And that gets weird fast sister.

2. My perspective of myself.. Speaking of identity...Being in healthy girlfriend relationships brings up just as many issues about ourselves that need to be dealt with as it does about anyone else! The truth is, and for real this is true, if you are in relationship with anyone for long enough there is going to be conflict. Take it to the bank sister. Before healthy relationships can be built, a certain level of honesty mixed with confidence has to be established. Honesty: I'm not perfect. I've got just as many quirks as anyone else. I have weaknesses that surface within relationship. I NEED the Lord to keep working on me and showing me how to grow. Confidence: I bring a lot to the table! I like me and I don't need to be like someone else to be worthy of friendship. God has put a unique portion of Himself in me that will come out in healthy friendships. I am ready to be a giver and to also receive. I am rooted in the Lord and open to who He wants to bring into my life! Bring it!

3. My perspective of others. My parents are and were great parents. One of the biggie topics we talked about as kids was the preciousness of others. That each person was created with a God-given preciousness because he or she was created by God. And if I really believed that, it affects how I treat people. It started with how I treated my parents and my brother, but it related to how I treated everyone. If I really believe that each person is a unique and precious creation of God, well then, it's a game changer. If she's valuable because of who her Creator is, that means that it really doesn't matter if our personalities mesh. I am not proposing that this theory be used to say that every single person is to be our best friend, never to be confronted, or always to be pursued. But if we are really wanting to get this girlfriending thing down in a way that honors the Lord, we need to grow up to the point that we can treat each person as if they exist and they matter - regardless of how close we are or are not to them. Being a good girlfriend is just as much about how much we treat the people in the periphery of our lives as it as about how we treat our nearest and dearest.



Ohhhh friends this feels like we've only discovered the tip of the iceberg. Hopefully this series will end up being 3-5 posts total...someone stop me before it becomes a way too long saga! But for now, I am so thankful for the words that are coming as I type about this topic. I am passionate about it because getting the girlfriending thing down will never look like perfection but we have so much to gain from growing in this area. It doesn't matter if you're five, fifteen, fifty or ninety-five....girlfriending is worth growing for. At the end of the day, it's a huge way that God reaches out to us and that He reaches out through us. And that's important.

Lots of love and happy weekending!
Abi

Girlfriending: Making and Keeping Friends

When it comes down to it, there are only a handful of topics that I feel confident giving advice on. Frankly, I think there are only a few topics that God wants me to give input into! I can't foresee writing how-to topics on parenting for many many many years. How-to organize your home? Nope. Super funny stories of my life? Rarely. But there is one topic that lives in my heart consistently and I want to start developing some internal thoughts into external concepts. Please help me with your feedback in this process!

Girlfriending. Some of us have them. Some of us don't. Some of us have them for a few years...and then something simply happens and it's gone. Some of us have them but we don't know how, lol! May I share a brief story with you, kind reader? It will be short but it will give you a point of reference for a bit of my history with girlfriends.

My history with girlfriending started when I was six years old. I was shy and quiet (can you believe it?!) and they were a strong group of four girls - friends since infancy. Classic clique from even that young age. Now don't get me wrong - they weren't directly rude to me - but from the age of six until the age of eighteen they were a constant in my life. It wasn't so much that I was bullied (I wasn't) - but I simply was not a part of the gang. Wouldn't you love more juicy details??? Ahhhhh that's another post my dear. But, I know this, even with the little I have said, SO MANY of you can relate. Whether you have dealt with gangs of girls at a young age, a middle age or an old age, each one of you knows exactly what I am talking about.

Well, to keep it short, the bottom line is that the enemy has plans for our lives but the Lord has plans for our lives too. And at the age of fourteen, His plans started to emerge and the shy girl started to find her voice, personality and convictions. He started to show me that I was NOT alone in my hurt feelings, that the gang 'o four hurt each other as much as they hurt anyone else, and that it was time for me to open my little eyes and see the other jewels around me that had also been affected - each an island unto themselves for the most part. There were other people to appreciate and give attention to beside the gang! Novel. By the time I turned eighteen, God had really done a pretty amazing thing in my heart. In the matter of four years, His confidence had emerged and the power of a group of girls to include me or exclude me had been greatly diminished as I realized my value and worth simply had nothing to do with their opinion of me.

Now - insecurity is a nasty devil to be sure. It's frankly something that I have to keep a sharp eye on within my heart to this day. It would love nothing more than to raise its quiet and deceptive head, I am certain, until the day I die. But it's a battle worth fighting my friend and the biggest reward I've received in allowing Him to help me overcome insecurity is in my friendships. The more I received His help - the sweeter my friendships became. The more numerous they became. The more sought after I became. And the perspective He allowed me to develop from my experience with the gang continues to slap the enemy in the face to this day. I can see people that others don't see. I can see how my actions affect others. I can breed love and acceptance into a group that may have a tendency towards cliqueiness (pretty sure I made that word up). I can have a meaningful conversation with a new acquaintance over the span of five minutes. All while dealing with a the girl inside that still would rather lean towards shyness.

A few of the treasures God has given me in life:


And so, I have no formulas for gaining and keeping girlfriends. But I have been there, done that, with most stories regarding girlfriending. And because of it, I truly care about this topic. I have learned a lot about it. I'm not perfect at it and I still have failures and hurts, but there is an overriding health in my girlfriend relationships that can only be because of the path He allowed me to walk and the heart He allowed to develop because of it.

This is going to develop into a series of posts because who has thirty minutes to read one post??? Nadda. Over the course of the series, we'll delve into signs of a healthy friendship, what to do if you're lacking in healthy girlfriend relationships, and practical actions/decisions that yield rich fruit in a friendship.

But for today, I want to share a few big picture thoughts to get the fire stoked.

Three thoughts to ponder:

1. Every healthy girlfriend relationship is marked by a certain level of mutuality. You're both giving and you're both taking. If you find yourself always giving, something's off. If you find yourself always taking, something's off. Every friendship can go through specific seasons of one friend playing more of one role than another....embrace the season. Watch for it to eventually come back to the middle. Of course, we all have friendships that don't strike this balance and that's okay. But of your truest friends - this is a sign of health. If you're uncomfortable being in a taking/receiving position within the friendship - pray about it because receiving should be a big part of it....which means allowing yourself to be weak/transparent/whacked out in front of someone else. The same is true in reverse. You may not thinking of yourself as being the more dominant receiver. But look at your friendships. What are you giving? I promise promise promise you, you have something to give her.

2. Good girlfriending is NOT about perfection. You are going to make a mess of things at some point and so am I. Sometimes they are little messes and sometimes they are big messes. But the answer driven by love is always to be willing to make it right. Don't let stuff accumulate under the proverbial rug. The more that is avoided, the weaker the friendship.

3. Girlfriends are a healthy part of life! Wives - your husbands were never intended to be your everything. Girls who have a best friend - that one girlfriend was never intended to be your all in all. One human being simply will not ever suffice fully. And truly, there is so much in this life that only God, Himself, can touch. But I'm a firm believer that He moves through the variety of girlfriends in our lives. Don't have just one type. Be open to seeing who God wants to bring along your path! His surprises are always delightful. Being an open person is a mark of relational maturity.

Ahhhhh my friends I think we're just getting started and I'm so thankful for you! So many of you are dear friends in my life and I count myself rich. As always, your feedback is genuinely appreciated. If you have an idea for an aspect of girlfriending that would be great to hit on - please let me know!

Happy weekending y'all!
Abi

There Is Grace For You Mama

Sometimes coming up with the right title for a post is the thing that trips me up the most. What's on my heart most relates to my mama experiences as of late but grace applies to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

I've been mulling this one in my heart this week. The topic of grace. More specifically, what a huge difference a little switch of perspective makes when grace is in the picture. Wouldn't you know this very morning I needed the reminder just as much as anyone else! I'm so thankful that this pregnancy with our second little boy has been smooth, he is healthy, and any symptoms I deal with are minimal. But you know what I do consistently get? SO. MANY. DREAMS. Lots more than I had with Liam. Mostly they are just weird and long. But sometimes they veer into disturbing. And those seem to last as long as I will let them. If I wake up from it (even praying) and lay there for a few minutes and then go back to sleep the dream will start right where it left off when I woke up. I'm trying to remember to pray and invite the Lord to come right before I go to sleep...sometimes I'm too tired and I just fall into bed, forgetting all else, and go to sleep instantly. They have gotten better but I do need to get a little more serious about praying over my sleep.

Well, this morning was no exception. The dream had something to do with drowning on a plane (good grief!) and I consciously decided to wake myself up because frankly, how ridiculous is that? I was not going to deal with it. I knew when I woke myself up that it likely meant I'd be awake from 3:30 in the morning on....another pregnancy deal - hard to get back to sleep once woken. But this morning, I didn't care because I'd much rather be awake than be partnering with fear. By no means am I presenting a theory of how to handle bad dreams! It was just what I felt grace for this morning.

So I stumbled into the living room, flipped on the lamp, and thought to myself - 'considering what I want to write about today - this is just about right!' I found my Bible, which looked like this:

Life with boys!

I started reading some and then shifted my focus to my heart focus today: grace.

A few weeks ago, I started thinking a lot more about it. Even at one child to care for, there are more moments than I can count where I feel beyond weak. When a circumstance hits me in the face that just sucks any energy I had left right out of me. When my body says - 'No more! You can't do more!'. The moments certainly come during our days but they seem to be particularly loud when they come in the middle of the night!

Sleeping consistently has been hard to come by with this pregnancy so when Liam needs me during the middle of the night - well I will give you one guess as to what my heart attitude looks like. Ha! Cue thoughts like "I simply can't do this." "We have such a big day tomorrow and now I am going to be even more tired." "This isn't fair." Or just cue the anger. LOL! I hope you can relate. Or perhaps you're the mom that delights in the middle of the night interactions? I'm her sometimes :).

But one night/morning/who knows really a few weeks ago, the Lord cut off my frustrated and depleted thoughts with a simple but strong statement.

"Abi, there's grace for you."

Huh? That stopped me cold.

Is it really that simple? A simple switch of perspective? A quick acknowledgement that I'm REALLY not alone? That He knows? That He is there to help? That simple, huh?

I think it is. Immediately my heart warmed and I felt the support of his grace upon those words. The victim thoughts were drowned out by the realization that I could lean into his grace and it would be more than enough for me and more than enough for my man and my little. I'm a visual person and this picture of a big puddle of water (grace) that I can choose to step into keeps coming back to me. It's right there. Always ready for me to step into.

Merriam Webster....those guys are smart. I like them. So I asked them what grace was. Two different definitions stood out:

1. Unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. Divine assistance that is unmerited???? Yes and amen, sister!

2. Skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations. At first I glossed over this one but then I laughed and came back to it because I can use a WHOLE LOT OF THIS after not sleeping well!

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, 'MY grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest up on me."

Oh man. Can I get that on auto-repeat looping through me all day long?

There is grace for you, Mama! There is grace for you. It is there. Your weakness is okay because His strength is just aching to take over. You don't have to be frustrated at how much is pulled from you and asked of you all day long because He wants to flood in and fill you. And apparently we can even have skills needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations! Praises.

This pic was taken after Liam and I landed at Double Shot this Tuesday.

It had been QUITE the morning of nothing but rush. But there was grace. He reminded me again and again that I didn't have to pick up the hard because his grace was there.

As we celebrate being mommies and those who are our mommies this weekend - let us remember grace. It's a game changer.

Happy weekending y'all!
Abi

The Muffuletta, Starburst Jelly Beans, and Hannah

Happy Friday!

Sometimes we just need to take a moment and invite the heart of a high school student back in and picture ourselves nearly running to our cars on Friday after classes are over. I remember that feeling of not running but feeling like I could scream and jump and dance at the beginning of a blessed weekend. WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! The truth is that my mom life doesn't make Saturday look much different than Tuesday but still - a kick in our heart perspective can do us a lot of good from time to time! So FRIDAY I welcome you with joy, a little thrill and an open heart.

May I continue to just warm up my typing fingers? After all, a two month plus break from blogging makes jumping back in a little stark. So I thought I'd just share some thoughts from my week. Wish I could hear yours. If there's one solitary thing that irritates me it's a one sided conversation. So even if you don't comment or email or message or anything - just talk back to me in your own mind. It will be fun!

First, I'd like to tell you about something not-too-fancy but yummy that I recently ate: the Muffuletta sandwich from McAlisters. Truly, it was no gourmet sandwich. In fact, it was nothing compared to the original sandwich which can be found at Central Grocery store in New Orleans. But I just found myself loving it entirely. It was turkey (I subbed that for the normal ham), provolone cheese, and Gambino's olive salad with a thin slice of salami capping the whole pile off. It was different and it was good! Certainly not everyone's taste buds would love olive salad but mine DID!

Not my exact sandwich, but you get the idea:


I'd also like to report that on Monday (day after Easter), I had a half a bag of Starburst jelly beans left. I threw the bag away. Let's celebrate the little victories people.

I wonder what you've been wishing you could eat recently? Sometimes I just find myself thinking about things that I haven't had in a while and plotting when I will fit each thing in :). On my list now: Pho Ga and Bun Cha Gao from Viet Huong, French Drip sandwich from Charlestons, a croissant from Stone Horse, a mix from Braums (vanilla with Oreo and Heath), and Chicken Sagwala from India Palace. Thinking I'll need some time to make it all a reality, ha!

Drooling:


Oddly enough my random thoughts blog post seems to mostly have to do with food. You know - I asked the Lord to put something on my heart for this post and clearly - food it is. Don't you kind of love the thought of God Almighty totally enjoying a meal or dish with you???

Have you cooked anything new recently? I'd love some new recipes to throw in my mix. My requirements for recipes are as follows: it can be a little lengthy in required ingredients, but my total prep time cut off is 30-45 minutes. Not that you can tell from the above thoughts, but it needs to be not too heavy on cheese, creamy things, butter, etc. But it MUST be HIGH on taste. I'm specifically feeling a good salad recipe could be appreciated. But, I love Italian, French, Asian, American, soups, salads....yum. So seriously - shoot me some of your favorite recipes! Next time I should post the recipe I have for peanut chicken. It's so yum. That is - if you like nuts, lots of curry, tomatoes and chicken :). Also - I'm on the hunt for a good chicken and rice recipe. A few years ago, I tried a pretty basic recipe and it was - well, basic. And a little bland. I like interesting things. But I remember loving chicken and rice casserole as a kid and I'd love to rediscover it. Thoughts?

Prepare yourself as my thoughts are now transitioning off of food.

I had a frank conversation with the Lord this week that ended up being quite fruitful. I was a tad frustrated. With the Bible. Frustrated with my interactions with the Bible. Frustrated with feeling like I was going through the motions but there was no mojo. Done with the no mojo. I told Him that I NEEDED Him to show me what to read. I told Him I was desperate. I want to know Him more and more. I want to learn Him through His word. I want to discover the Scripture....but I'm not in a Bible study right now, I am not feeling a reading plan, and I am done with (for now) randomly opening the Bible and seeing what pops out. It is time to dig but I don't want to dig out of my own ideas - I want Him to show me what to dig into. We aren't always in the place. I have enjoyed so many studies, reading plans, etc. But it's just a different season. Well, He answered. It was a quiet answer that one could argue may have been my own thoughts.... read the story of David. The whole story from start to finish. So I started a few days ago.

David's story begins in First Samuel - around the sixth chapter. It seemed natural to start at the beginning of First Samuel and lo and behold, He met me there. It was alive. He was there. It was the story of Hannah and her very real experience of being barren while her 'sister wife' had child after child...and on top of that antagonized Hannah about it. Can you even imagine? It's hard enough to wait when others are not having to wait at all - but then to be blatantly antagonized over it? Brutal. Hannah's prayer of thanks as she gives Samuel to the Lord absolutely captivated me. She speaks from a healed heart. But she also says some startling things about Him.... one statement alone grabbed me:

1 Samuel 2:6 "The Lord kills and brings to life."

Well, that's a little offensive. The Lord kills? Doesn't that mess with our theology? But, the truth is that when you've been allowed to walk through loss or trial, you come to realize that although many of us don't admit we expect a pain-free life, we are shocked and shaken when the pain comes. I mean, it's just shocking! But one thing, I know to be true: this God is a man of mystery. He is not to be formulized, reduced to very many 'always' or 'never' statements.

This woman who had born years of grief over a barren womb could say - that yes, the Lord does allow things to die BUT He also brings things to life in a way that only He could. Who is like our God? There is no rock like our God. There is no one who can bind up and heal hearts like He can. Oh man. If you're looking for a story to read, 1 Samuel 1-2 are calling your name!

There is beauty that words cannot capture in both death and life. God is the God who cares in our loss and in our gain. The night may last for a while, but the morning comes. It does come. It does.

I do sincerely hope that your weekend is delightful. That you and me both decide to be a little thrilled by it and to kick our heels up. That you eat something really enjoyable. And that you find Him. That you knock down His door if it's been a little quiet recently. Because this we know - He's longing to be with us.

Happy weekending y'all!
Abi

The Typing Fingers Have Returned....

If you are reading this post, bless your heart. For real. I can make no guarantees that it will be five minutes worth reading but it does warm my heart to think of you sitting there and grimacing through with me.

I'm not even certain what I will write about today. But something urged me to the point of writing today so here I am, and here you are. Once again, I say with all sincerity, bless your heart.

It's Good Friday - a truly beautiful day of remembering if you are a Believer. You'd think that I'd have something poignant to say about this weekend we call a holiday but is so much more than that. I wish I did! My heart is moved today.

Although I will say - on an Easter candy note - why, oh why, are Starburst Jelly Beans SO GOOD? My top three Easter candies are those, the malted milk robin's egg things, and a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. Praises!

There's so much I wish I could say but the words just won't flow today. This post is my proverbial - get back up on that horse effort. It's time to write again and I have simple belief that the words will start to flow if I let the fingers type....but it may take me a few tries.

I wonder how you are today. Are you grabbing a brief moment of solitude while reading in the midst of a harried day? Or has it been a beautiful day of calm? My day has been more on the calm side - if you can believe it! My dearest Mom took Liam for the day so that I could work on cleaning my floors, make homemade lemon bars for a Passover meal at our house tomorrow (what - didn't you know that lemon bars are a sacred element of Passover???), prepare an Easter basket and wrap a girlie birthday present for my niece who turns one today. It's so funny what a nice day it's been even though I've been working. Those infrequent days of quiet are true mommy treasures. An opportunity to think a little more clearly, listen a little more intently, and vacillate between worship at IHOP and Pharrell's Happy. A girl on her own can do these things!

Speaking of Easter baskets...what a thing they have become! I think my apple falls not far from the tree of my mama :). She always did Easter baskets and they were a lot of fun...candy, eggs, and goodies...but most of the gift element had to do with something that would be spiritually encouraging. For us - that meant years and years of Adventures in Odyssey! Caleb and I fell asleep listening to those tapes for years. So now - I just can't bring myself to go out and buy special toys to fill the Easter basket! This year, it's a paperback version of The Beginner's Bible 'The First Easter', a kids book version of the story of David and Goliath, and then...some fun sidewalk chalk. And that's it! LOL. Well...I must correct that. Starburst Jelly Beans and my friend Libby's amazing cookies will be making an appearance. Seriously - these are the best sugar cookies...hands down. I'd like to think myself some low level of expert in all things sweet - so take my word for it. Wink wink!

I pray wherever you are - that you have the opportunity to consider Jesus today. Maybe you've walked with him for years or maybe everyone's talk of Jesus has become easily disregarded over the years. Either way - just consider considering him today. Consideration can be the beginning of something beautiful.

May your weekend be full of grace and peace. I am going to be reminding myself of those two words as I prepare my home for a Passover celebration tomorrow night....sometimes my ugliest moments occur when getting my house ready to host! Let's just go ahead and put this down on screen - I'll be back next Friday with my typing fingers. Thanks for helping me ride again even though the ride was all ramble.

Much love,
Abi

PS...Go ahead and find yourself a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg this weekend. When all is said and done, it will be worth it ;).