If I'm Being Honest....

...I feel like I'm in high school again. In high school, my senior year second semester of Repertory Theatre was spent entirely on improv. I hated it. I mean, really and truly, every single day made me sweat. Improv acting is brought to life when actors are willing to jump into a scene maybe with some small idea but not truly knowing what they're going to do in the scene. They're just willing to go with the flow and see what happens! Well - believe me when I say that wasn't my strong suit lol! Sure, I would occasionally jump into a scene. But - only when I knew exactly where I was going to take the scene. Frankly when it happened it was great....I just kind of missed the adventure of improv and the wildness of not having a plan but making it up as you went.

Why do I feel sweaty again like that entire second semester of senior year? Let me just tell you. I'm trying something new. It's uncharted and right now - it feels way way way weird. I'm committing to blogging once a week. No biggie right? It's basically just a little more than I've been doing overall. You'd think I'd been told that I needed to start training for a marathon, I'm so sweaty over this!? It's like my improv teacher is sitting there watching me and all of the sudden he says 'Hey Booth. You're going to get into every single scene and I don't give one flip if you have any clue as to what you're going to do when you get there. Yeah - I see you sweating. Don't care. Get in there.'

BUT I AM SWEATING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please tell me you can relate. Please tell me that you've been there. Been at that point where some issue has come to the surface that you know you MUST take action on. You know the time is now for obedience but taking that step stirs up every doubt and weirdo thought imaginable.

Now, let me say. I don't think that my blog is more than it is. It's not a big deal but it's not about how big of a deal it is. It's like when God asks you to do something and it makes you nervous - you'd be nervous if even two people were watching you take that step.

Here's my deal: I usually blog when something hits me. When something feels juicy. When I feel goooood about it. You know? I like to go with the flow, yo. And that's been good! Nothing wrong with that. I just think that I'm supposed to practice a little more and get into a more regular flow of writing. Who knows where that will go - God usually just gives me clarity about the very next step I am supposed to take. Well, that's all fine and good and blogging once a week sounds like an obvious or natural choice. But I tell you what - there is just something about making a commitment to have something worthwhile to say one time a week that is making me shake in my boots. It inevitably means that until I get into that great routine of working out this flow - I'm going to have to do it when I'm not feeling it. You know?

In fact, it's precisely like working out! Take it from a non-worker-outer for most of her life - when you start working out and it's not your norm - it is ugly. It hurts, it's awkward, you may actually fall off of that machine for real, and how you feel the next day is even worse as your body screams at you. But the only way to get into the flow of using those muscles is to push through and keep coming back to it.

So, know that my muscles are screaming at me right now. In fact, I wrote this post this week. It felt so weird and particularly un-juicy that I couldn't post it directly to Facebook or whatever. I don't think that it's a truly bad post - it just lacked the feeling behind it.

But, you know what, I have decided to do it no matter how it feels. I have decided to be faithful to routine until the feelings of flow return. And I just wonder if you can relate. I'm pretty certain that you can.

There's probably something you know you're supposed to do. Maybe it's a big deal or maybe it's a small deal but it really doesn't matter. I think any one of us would prefer to have those really nice feelings accompany what we're doing. But sometimes the right thing is to move forward in obedience even when we are sweaty. Even when it feels awkward and clunky. Care to join me in awkward obedience? Hey - at least we'll know that we were brave enough to jump into the scene.

I want to be a yes-woman. Not a yes-after-I-can-clearly-see-where-this-is-going-woman.

Hope you're doing well. I'm doing well aside from the sweating. :)

Much love!
A