The Beginnings of a Thought: The Woman Thing

Good morning!!!

I sit here in a bit of a haze having rolled out of bed about thirty minutes ago :). I pondered writing later but life with a growing baby boy on the inside, a full of life nearly three year old boy on the outside, a big boy room to pull together and that ever lovin' mysteriously disappearing thing called energy mean that if this moment presents itself to write - I had best write! So if this one doesn't strike you well, blame it on my haziness :).

First, may I just tell you that I sit here a woman feeling mighty victorious this morning. Today is August 1 and therefore July is no more. Guess who's husband was gone for the entire month except two weekends in July? This girl's man was. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah. Cue 'I'm a Survivor!' More on that month later but let me just say - we made it through and are in one piece (mostly) but I am SO GLAD today is August 1. SO GLAD.

Second, I'd like to ask for as much grace as you can offer me as you read these thoughts today. They are the beginning of something in my heart but certainly not fully processed through. It's a touchy topic that has been rolling around inside of me so if your's are the toes that get stepped on, please know that my heart isn't to offend anyone. Ahhhhhhh let's just dive in, no more beating around the bush.


The woman thing.

There are probably a lot of woman things that come to your mind with those words. Mine too. But in this case, there is one big fatty fat fat one that won't leave me alone.

What is the role of a woman?

YIKES!

I don't have anything near a succinct answer to that but I have some thoughts that I'd like to begin to process with you, if you're willing.

I will say - I am a really bad writer and communicator when I am trying to filter too much - SO I am just going to put some honest and hopefully unfiltered thoughts out there. They're on the raw side :)

You know that scene in 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' where Matthew and Kate are finally in their groove towards the end at his family's house? And they're playing that card game BS? I shall refrain from typing the words here but that is the exact thing (or phrase) that rises up in me when I think about women who say, "I don't know....all I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mom. That's it. That's my calling.'

Insert the phrase which shall remain nameless.

See, there is a part of me that GETS THAT! I really get that. In fact, it's near ironic because I am one of those girls who got married, worked for eight years, had a precious baby boy and worked part time for another year, and then took the plunge when the opportunity presented itself for me to stop working outside of the home so I really focus on being mom. I mean, that's me.

I have been given the opportunity to observe many women who have walked this path beautifully and many who have ached their way through the journey and met a major crisis when the intensity of momhood eases as that child turns 18. Eases in the sense that, they likely move out and go to school, and what mom spent her days doing is now simply not there for her to do any more.

But, I've had the honor of seeing women do it fairly well, too. I've seen my mom do it. She gave her all to raising us - truly. And yet, there was still a part of her engaged in things that were totally about who she was called to be aside from mom and wife. The older we became the more she was able to host those parts of herself. I'm watching Carrie do it. I'm watching Kim do it. I'm not sure any of them would say that they're doing 'it' but they are.

So here's the deal: I think the thing that the Holy Spirit has been prodding me the most about is this - are we kidding ourselves if we invest in the belief that wife and mom are our callings in life?

I'd like to propose that they ARE most definitely A calling. Wiving and mothering are holy callings and utterly beautiful to the Lord. Frankly, if we view them as anything less than a calling, it's near impossible to do them at times.

But, I'd also like to propose that I was not born to become a wife and mom.

I do not exist on earth or have breath in my lungs for the sole purpose of marrying and supporting a great person (which HE IS!) and birthing and raising baby boys.

While both of these roles consume much of my heart, time and life and are roles that I DO feel called to, they are not my all encompassing calling in life. If that were true - my calling would be expiring with each day that Liam got closer to 18 and college/adulthood. If that were true - I'd be left without half of my purpose in life should any change ever come in my marriage. (Note: I don't say that second part lightly. I cannot imagine my marriage falling apart. But sometimes you have let the worst case scenario be a part of the picture to let truth come to the top).

Not every woman who is working outside of the home has tapped into her purpose or calling in life. Not every woman who has devoted herself to being wife and mom has either. Some in each camp have. Some have not.

Now listen, I sincerely do not judge any woman who struggles through this. Because I struggle through this! This is, for the most part, a silent battle every single woman faces. We don't talk about it. Some may assume that working women have tapped into their callings and stay at home moms have not. Or that stay at home moms have embraced the true and highest calling in life while working women have not.

There is a silence and quietness to this scenario that is the thing that really bothers me. It's like there's a silent invitation to me to slip into the proverbial back seat. There's a lot of serving in being both wife and mom that is beautiful and right. And if we try to do either of those roles without a humble willingness to serve, it gets ugly fast.

But there is something in that role of servant that has the potential to silently invite us to step back from the plate and stop swinging the bat. Ahhhh I feel very vulnerable right now! I PRAY you know a bit of what I am talking about because these words are like peanut butter coming out of my fingers. Sticky and thick and jambled.

Is it possible to step back from swinging the bat in life, in destiny, in the Kingdom, with the Lord, all the while being a wonderful wife and mom? Or stepping back from the bat all the while having an impressive and stimulating career outside of the home? This is NOT about whether a woman works in a paying job or not.

There are so many more things that can be said. I'm going to delve into this again next week. Heck, I may cancel out half of what I've said this week - next week! I feel as though some of us will read these words and have a lot of disturbance after. Press into the Lord, girl. Ask Him to help you get rid of any of my words that were off and only grab onto what He wants you to. If it's a scary and daunting question to ask yourself (as it is for me) - quietly allow Him to help you ask it anyways. Am I in touch with who I am called to be? Who am I aside from the roles I am filling?

THANK YOU for grace as you have read. Thank you for reading! This was a post I felt like I just needed to put out there - half baked - in order to get the ball rolling. Hopefully next week's words will bring more refined and processed thoughts. If you feel something in your heart that you'd like to add in to the mix as I continue to pray and process this, please get it to me!

This one feels unfinished and unedited at best. May the Lord do with it what He wants. Yikes.

Favorite (Affordable) Toys for the 2-3 Year Old Boy

Good morning!

HAPPY FRIDAY! It's a day to play the music louder, to take a moment to dance a little, and to choose joy - regardless of circumstances. Mmmmm I feel it rising!

Well, this post is going to be a little different for me. I've just wrapped a five part series on girlfriending (here's part one, part two, part three, part four, and part five) and this morning, I NEEDED to write something light and frankly, something that didn't require me to pray a lot before typing! Ha!

So - what is the obvious choice for my topic of writing this morning? Toys for boys, of course! It's not a type of post that I consider to be in my wheelhouse but here's the deal: Liam is about to turn THREE YEARS OLD!!!!!!!! How did that happen? Can't wait to write about that precious man-child soon. I am always looking for great leads on toys that tap his imagination and prompt him to deeply play. So - this is going to be a run down of some of our top toys over the past year.

What qualifies as a top toy? First, it must be a repeat offender. It must be a toy that he goes back to again and again even if he takes a break from it for a while. Second, it must be $50 or less. We do all of our toy receiving at birthday time and Christmas. The $50 limit keeps things reasonable and many of these top toys are far under that price point.

Don't expect this list to blow you away with genius idea after genius idea! These are no-brainer toys that have been big hits at our house - not revolutionary approaches to play time. And many will be just as applicable to girls! The list is not in order of most wonderful to least wonderful. It's just a comprehensive list of what we've loved over the past year.

Let's GO!

1. Jumbo Dinosaurs by Learning Resources


These have been GREAT. Liam adores them and went a straight three months playing with little else. He continues to play with them often. When I say jumbo, I do mean jumbo. These are not hand-sized - they are more like fore-arm sized (a two year old fore-arm that is) and the quality and details are solid. Highly recommend!

2. Mega Bloks (Duplos)



The large size of the blocks is helpful for little hands but still teaches the concept of sticking things together in order to build. It's been very cool to see how Liam's building skills have developed over one year. Now he builds things that really look like what he wants them to be! Planes, rockets, Lightning McQueen.... but of course!

3. Diggers!



This toy could not be a better value! This set on Amazon goes for about $6. And these diggers have been a fixture in our play lives since the moment they were opened. Great great great.

4. Melissa and Doug Fireman Outfit



Melissa and Doug ANYTHING is a winner in my opinion. So far, this is the only role play costume we have but we are getting ready to add more because Liam has used this outfit so much. From a young two to an almost three year old, this is relevant and so much fun to watch him play with.

5. Giant Cardboard Blocks



LOVE these. It's great because these are truly made of cardboard (require assembly) so if one gets hurled - it's going to hurt a lot less than a wood block. Yikes! In my experience with being a boy mom thus far - things are going to get hurled occasionally. I love the size of these because they can easily build a tower that is as big as they are and then fall into it without getting hurt. Lots of Daddy and Liam towers have been built with these.

6. Train Set



We have loved Thomas and all things trains for a long time. This particular train set is great because it has some intricacy and lots of generic trains, cars, houses, trees, etc included. 100% compatible with all Thomas trains so it's a win! Also, I'm a huge train table fan - if purchased used. These things are monsters and expensive new. We bought ours on Craigslist for $50 instead of $120-$150 new. Get one that has drawers - very useful.

7. Reusable Sticker Books



REUSABLE STICKERS!!!! Thank you Melissa and Doug. Liam loves stickers. But it irritates me that stickers are so expensive and done after one stick on the page. These are the opposite - they are able to be used again and again. Each pad comes with five different big scenes with coordinating stickers (train stickers go with a train station scene). It's a little work to put it all back together again....but this is way to go for stickers. And hello - at $7/pad it's a great deal.

8. Hero Bath Toys



This is my favorite for bath time. We use these every single time we take a bath and Liam loves them. They can be a little pricey if you think about them being bath toys but Buy Buy Baby is the place to purchase if you have a coupon. In this case, a better deal than Amazon. Elegant Baby makes many different theme sets and they are all great!

9. Curious George Books



We have all kinds of books and Liam loves to be read to. But these Curios George books are on the very top of my list. We have seven different CG books and I love them for a lot of reasons. First, the stories are a great balance of simple/complex. I think they have pulled him along in terms of listening to a story but the illustrations are so great that if he doesn't follow all of the words - he knows exactly what's going on by the pictures. Plus, the stories are precious! Second, hello price point. Amazon sells the paperback versions for $2-$3/book. Can't beat that. We plan to add more and more to the collection.

10. 100 Bible Stories



My Mom and I found this Bible at Easter this year. Actually Liam picked it out! He instantly gravitated towards it and he loves it still. It takes the Bible stories and puts them into an easily understood story for toddlers. Plus it has great illustrations and a take away point or message on the corresponding page. We have a few other toddler/kid Bibles but this is the one he really likes.

I hope this is valuable! The last year of play time with Liam has been fascinating. A lot happens between 2 and 3 years old! Hey - pass on what your favorites have been. I am always looking for more ideas.

Happy weekending y'all! And happy playing :).

Lots of love,
Abi

Girlfriending Part Five: It's Never Too Late

Blog Friday strikes again!

My brain is tired today...maybe it's the small man-child I'm providing housing for in my middle or perhaps it's the five hours of sleep I got last night. Mmmmmmm last night. Let me tell you - what happened last night couldn't have given us a better back drop for this last post on girlfriending.

College brought me some of the dearest girlfriends. The dearest. For quite a few years after college we were so good at getting everyone together for a weekend once a year. Here'a pic from one of those weekends - five years ago.



Last night, we were all together again. It had been quite a few years since we had all gotten together! I may be wrong, but I think it had been four years since all of us were in the same place at once. I wish I had the group pic on my camera but we used another camera. Pic to come later :). Here's a few shots of us last night:



Now first, I should say - these were pretty random shots. Perhaps not our most flattering moments....but still a moment to treasure.

Last night reminded me so clearly of one of the most important things I've learned in girlfriending: It's never too late to reach out.

In this case, we hadn't lost touch, it was just that we hadn't been able to make a face-to-face reunion happen. But then Heather emailed and said 'We're having dinner! Get here.' So we got there. And just like that - the four years disappeared as if it had only been two weeks since we had last been together. Heather hosted us in her delightful abode with a delicious meal....and then to top it all off she prompted each of us to share updates of our lives as they really are - the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty. All it took was a bee in Heather's bonnet and we were back in our groove. We spent three hours sharing life stories together in honesty, tears and laughter. It just took a Heather.

It just took a Heather.

Those moments are actually some of the most pivotal in whether or not girlfriends make it the distance. There are some friendships that are meant for a season and it's maturity to know how to identify those and graciously let life happen when the season is over. But there are many that may not work in one season, but are a true delight when they are rekindled in the next. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in girlfriending is to trust your ponderings.

If it's been a few years, a few months, many years, or many months, but all of the sudden you find yourself thinking about her, do something! Text her, call her, email her, do something. It doesn't mean you're signing up for starting to get together every week....it means the connection is worth rekindling and even a small amount of reconnecting may be all that's it's about.

Be the big girl. Be the one who's willing to reach out. Be the one who's willing to apologize. Be the one who's willing to say 'come to my house!' Or - as I have learned over and over again - be the one who's willing to drive four hours to her city just to get some face-to-face time. Be the one! I can guarantee you - you will reap what you sow. Or should that be 'what you sew?' LOL! I'm going to stick with my original 'sow.' But just know - that I know I may be wrong :).

As wives, daughters, moms, aunts, friends, etc. I'm not suggesting that our lives be driven by girlfriending. In fact, we all know that there comes a point where too much of a good thing is just too much. BUT I am suggesting that there's a time to sacrifice for it. There comes a time to make it a priority. There comes a time to go the extra mile. There comes a time to say 'Okay, it's been too long and I am thinking about you and I will be the one to break the silence and jump back in.' There comes a time.

Friends, your time spent reading these words humbles me. I am so relieved to get this series off of my chest and onto the screen. I hope to revisit these posts over time because I am fairly certain most of these thoughts have been half-baked at best. Hopefully I will continue to learn and be taught and will be able to come back to revise some of these concepts as they mature inside of me.

In closing, may I take a moment to encourage you?

I encourage you that healthy girlfriending is something that God does have for you.

I encourage you to take heart and have courage if the point of all of this is that He wants to bring out more health in you before healthy girlfriending becomes a big part of your life. It will be worth the journey, I assure you.

I encourage you that you can change.

I encourage you that He wants to keep teaching you and He wants to keep teaching me how to have His heart in girlfriending. The more in touch we are with His heart, the better these girlfriend things go.

And finally, I encourage you to take a step. I encourage you to open yourself up when you see signs of health in someone else. I encourage you to be the kind of girl/woman who makes others comfortable in their own skin. I encourage you to be one who speaks life and calls out life in others.

Girlfriending is one of God's sweetest, most challening, and most rewarding gifts to us. Let's have the humility to say that there IS a lot to learn about healthy girlfriending. And let's jump onto that road of continued learning together.

May your weekend be full of grace and encouragement!

Lots of love,
Abi

Girlfriending Part Four: My Story of Finding Mutuality in Friendship

Wish we were sharing space right now. My space is unusually sacred...or at least it feels unusually sacred this morning! My mom picked up Liam for a few hours and my heart is so thankful. After a few weeks, even the most in love mama's heart needs an ever loving moment of quiet in her home! I rejoice in the noise and at this moment, I rejoice in the silence. And in the presence of my latte to my left. And in music playing loudly to set a tone in this space. Like I said, I wish we were sharing the space. That is, as long as you'd be okay sitting quietly with me!

Good morning girlfriends! Ahhhh I know that plenty of people will read this well after morning time, but I love the phrase 'good morning.' It's happy. It's hopeful. It's like a latte in the early hours. Heart lifting. So good morning to you!

If you're a process person and want to read the three posts on girlfriending leading up to this one, here you go. Part one, part two, and part three.

May I just say that this series on girlfriending has been so meaningful to me? It means so much to me that I have had the honor of sharing it with you. That you have done me the honor of reading. This topic is near and dear to my heart and I have enjoyed the process of hashing it out with you. I have a feeling I will read back in a few months and see many tweaks to be made so thanks for embracing the raw first version with me. The last two Fridays were delightful off weeks from blogging for me because vacation happened! PRAISES! It was good and I am thankful - I mean, look at that placid blanket of green and blue creation behind us!



But I am jumping back into the series today and maybe it's the latte, maybe it's the music, I don't know but my fingers are tingly as I type. I'd like to tell you a story today. It's another piece of my story and it has to do with my journey to developing mutuality in girlfriending. Ever since I tapped on mutuality as a sign of health in relationships, I knew that there was more to that point and I'm hoping to dig deeper together this morning.

When you look up the definition of the word mutual or mutuality - the most common word you'll find defining it is the word 'shared.' Think about toddlers learning to share (particularly relevant in my world at the moment lol!). A huge part of sharing inevitably becomes taking turns. 'Okay Liam, now Isaiah gets ten minutes to play with the toy. Your ten minutes are over. Take your hands off of the toy and let him enjoy it. No crying.' Every single little human struggles to embrace the concept! And as we grow in age, it gets more complicated but we still encounter moments of struggling to share - to give and to take.

Are your relationships marked by mutuality? Do you both take time to dig at each other's hearts at some point? Can you both easily see when one of you needs the 'spotlight' for a bit and go with that? And after, does she have a heart to check in with you? Of course, mutuality does not mean 50/50. There's no such thing as striking the perfect balance. This is referring more to an overall tone to the relationship. If you take a step back at look at your time spent together from high up - is your conversational time spent talking about both of your journeys or more about one of your journeys? Big picture is the only way to take an honest look at this because certainly, we go through seasons and I may be in a season where I am the one who is simply weak and needs a lot more than the other. If we were to look at that one season, it would look whacked out of balance. Look at the whole of the relational journey.



And here's where we come to my personal journey with mutuality. There are two types in relationships: the giver and the taker. Healthy girlfriending is marked by stepping into both roles - back and forth.

For many years, I was the chronic giver.

To some, it may have looked awesome. I had plenty of close friendships and they were truly enjoyable. Friends shared honestly with me because I tried to listen with compassion instead of judgement and spoke words of life. Sister, if there has ever been a good conversationalist/question asker - it. is. me. I can keep you talking for hours. One question leads to the next. I may start with a general question but after you give your answer I can pick up on what's potentially behind the answer and ask the next question. Before you know it - we are knee-deep. Kind of like a personal psychologist LOL!

For a long time, I felt great about playing that role. It felt good to give. It was natural to me. Often, it was even what I would say was a role God had given me to walk out. He met me there and He helped me love on people right where they were.

But, can you see the pitfalls to always being the giver? Can you read beneath my words to see the roots of my actions?

You probably can, smartypants! You guessed it - being the giver was, in reality, self-protection, insecurity and pride all wrapped into one big ball of being a 'great conversationalist.' Self-protection: if I can keep you talking my vulnerability is nice and low in the relationship. Insecurity: is it okay for me to be needy? For me to ask for attention? How do I even DO THAT????????????? Pride: I'm not needy. I've got my junk together people. You're the one who needs me.

UGLY. Not healthy. Not good. It took a lot of years for the Lord to start prodding me into more and more discomfort with always being in the giver position. Because life happens. We ALL hit moments of genuine need and we have innate and God-given desire to put it all out there to a trusted friend for feedback, input and prayer. At first, it started as this little thought quietly within me 'Grrrr who can I even talk to about this? Is anyone here for me or do I always just have to be there for them? Surely someone can pick up on the fact that I need to talk, why isn't anyone initiating with me???' In other words, 'What's wrong with these people?' LOL. You see where this is going.

Well, the Lord is thorough if He is anything, my friend. He did prompt the discomfort and dissatisfaction within me, but then He started showing me the next step. Oh shoot. It's not them. It's me. I have created this. In essence, I had trained my friends to receive from me. I had told them, through my actions, 'don't worry. I don't need you to think about me. This can be all about you.' (PS - I should mention that not ALL of my friendships were like this. There were treasures of friends just waiting for me to crack open so that they could return the favor. This was simply the pattern that the Lord was trying to teach me about.)

How had I created this? By making sure that I was the one mostly doing the question asking. By giving answers to their questions that were honest but short and quickly followed by another question aimed at them. By not really letting there be moments of space or silence within the conversation. By not being weak in front of them when I felt weak. The list goes on, but I think you get the gist.

This did not add up to mutuality in my girlfriending. It added up to a tired and spent me.

Now what's a girl to do with this kind of realization? Well, for a question asker, asking different questions was the right answer. Which did NOT feel good. It did not feel natural. I was retraining myself as much as anyone else. A few things that the Lord started to lead me in were:

- Asking myself before we hung out, how do I feel? Is something going on that I really should be transparent about? Do I feel strong or do I feel frustrated? If the answer was frustrated then I needed to make sure I didn't keep the conversation moving at lightning speed...allow for some silence.

- Finding some key phrases that worked for me. They were like little flags I could throw up in an effort to shift the dynamic away from me giving to me receiving. Some of my phrases were/are: "Actually, I kind of need to talk." "I'm struggling." "Can I get your feedback on something?" "Would you pray with me about something?"

- Forcing myself to talk. Not every one of my friends is as skilled in asking questions as I am. In those cases, they are skilled in different ways that I simply am not. So, in some situations, I know that they won't ask me the series of prodding questions that I would ask to help someone to open up. Not because they don't care or they don't want to hear the answers...the question asking just isn't in their skill set. In those cases, when I need to talk, I use one of the phrases above and then make myself talk for as long as possible. It sounds so weird and awkward doesn't it??? If it does, that may mean you're a chronic giver like I am!

I am so very thankful to be able to say that the Lord has changed a lot in me regarding this area. I have many friends and family members who are great at listening when I need a listening ear. They are great at supporting me. We enjoy mutuality. But it is because I allowed mutuality to grow within our relationship. I could have kept going and going and kept that door safely shut. I am so deeply thankful that He helped me shift, though. I still LOVE being the giver because He made me that way! But now, I realize that there is nothing He created to only give. All of creation gives and takes. Flowers drink up water and sunshine and receive pollen from bees. Clouds give out water and then they stop giving out water. Horses run hard and then stop to eat the grass and drink the water. At work, we work hard for the morning and then stop to eat food at lunch and give our brains a rest. It is the design of His creation! Mutuality is laced throughout everything He does because HE IS MUTUAL. He receives from us. Mind blowing. Not because innately He needs us but because He chooses to need and receive from us. If He chooses to be a taker sometimes, then shoot! I better get on the bandwagon, too!

A few notes in closing. First, not every girlfriend relationship is totally mutual. Again, refrain from thinking in terms of a 100% goal and look at big picture patterns. There are relationships that are very dear to me that aren't necessarily marked by mutuality. There are other reasons those relationships are meaningful and important to me. Second, I have obviously only talked about givers because that's what I am intimately acquainted with. If you have the courage and grace to honestly take a look and see that your pattern is more in the camp of being a taker - way to go! That takes guts to admit but it's a very very positive thing to realize. My simple tips would be to start praying about it with the Lord and then to start going into time with a friend with a few questions ready to go to get them talking for a change. If you need to talk about something deeply - do it. But then, pull yourself together and at the end say something like "Thank you so much for listening and talking with me about that. But I want to hear about you now! Tell me something that's going on in your life."

Whew! This one was really something! I feel spent in a good way :). I am CERTAIN you have thoughts on mutuality. Please reach out to me with your thoughts! My journey towards mutuality is not complete or perfect. He is still prompting me and teaching me...so thankful for that. But all I can say is that the more I have made space for mutuality, the more beautiful, life-giving, and rich my girlfriending has become. I am convinced it matters.

Happy weekending my friend! I pray it's full of rich and mutual interactions :).

Lots of love,
Abi

P.S. Here's one of my dears. We became friends in high school Freshman year book class. We've been bridesmaids in each other's weddings and now we share the experience of raising boys. Treasure. Yep - this was Freshman beauty at its best folks.

Girlfriending Part Three: Signs of a Healthy Girlfriend Relationship

Girlfriend! How are you doing right at this moment? I hope your day is going well so far. I hope that you feel grace today. I hope that you remember that you are not alone. I hope that your eyes are lifted up to where your help comes from! I've been reminded so very many times that all it takes for an entire day to turn around is for me to simply lift my eyes up. Whew - let's all just take a brief moment to stop all other thoughts in our heads and just think on that. We DO have help! There IS a helper!

I want to say thank you for joining me in this topic of healthy girlfriending. Thank you! I have so appreciated your support, your input and hearing about your experiences. The more I think and pray about it, the more I'm convinced we could probably spend weeks upon weeks on this topic! We shall refrain from that :). But, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for journeying with me! Here's a link to to part one and here's a link to part two.

Healthy Girlfriending. Over the years, I have been able to see patterns within my friendships that are healthy. No friendship is the same as another, clearly. And no friendship is perfect. But there are patterns that I've repeatedly experienced within friendship that tell me the relationship is life-giving and mutual. Healthy girlfriending relationships are SUCH a blessing and bring so much joy to life. But girl, they are developed over time and grown in to! We don't start friendships one day and wake up the next with deep and healthy friendships. But with patience, they come!


(Family can be the greatest source of joy in relationship!)

First, before we delve into some of the patterns I have seen in my healthy relationships, stop and take a second to think about some of your healthy girlfriending relationships. What are some of the things that tell you its a healthy relationship? How does it differ from others? Message me and tell me what some of your markers are. ALSO, please stay tuned through the end of the post. If you read these signs of a healthy relationship and your heart starts to get ansty because you don't think your friendships are healthy after all, don't get panicked! There is encouragement for you at the end.

Let's go!


(Life Group! This was in the first trimester...ya know the 'filling out' stage with no clear bump to show for it. Ha! But this has been one source of great girlfriending - filled with delightful variety!)

Indicators that your girlfriending is healthy:

1. After you spend time together, talk on the phone, text, email...You feel good. Sounds simple, right?! But, once you've walked through a number of relationships you find that it simply is not the case in every girlfriend relationship. But, if you can walk away feeling encouraged, with a lifted heart and perspective, that's the golden ticket. The opposite would be to walk away from time together feeling heavy from gossip, worry, criticism, or let's be honest - just plain old stupid conversation. I kid you not, the stupid talk can really get to you after a while. Of course you should have fun and have silly conversation! But if there's not more to it than that, at some point, girlfriending exhaustion sets in.

2. The real you comes out when you're with her. Now here's the deal about the real me: different elements of the real me come out with different girlfriends. Different ones pull out different sides of me. Which I LOVE! It's also another reason why I really think having just one close girlfriend is only a fraction of what God intended you to have through girlfriending relationships. If you repeatedly come away from time with a friend feeling like you just weren't yourself, something's up. Frankly, something's up with the dynamic of the friendship OR something's up with you. At the end of the day, it's no one else's responsibility but mine to make sure that I'm being the true me. Sometimes the true me works within the context of girfriending relationship and sometimes it does not. That's OKAY! But the girlfriends we should focus on giving our time and energy to are the one's that pull truth out of us. The ones that you find yourself saying how you really feel to. The ones that somehow, through the course of conversation, bring you to a point of revelation. The ones that you feel comfortable letting your true sense of humor out with :). The ones that you would have an honest-to-goodness dance party with!

3. The relationship can survive conflict. It IS going to happen. It may not be early in the relationship (actually, let's HOPE it's not!), but at some point probably years in, it will happen. Someone will hurt someone. Whether intentionally or not, we are talking about two human beings here. In fact, I think that conflict can be a sign of health instead of dysfunction. It can be healthy in the sense that it shows you are close enough to each other, honest enough with one another, guards let down enough with one another that you are vulnerable to each other. That's good! If I never had conflict in any girlfriending relationship over the course of years, I could safely assume that I had a wall up around my heart to protect myself. I can do relationship like that, but I'm simply not going to experience the depth of what God has for me within friendship. A sign of a healthy girlfriending relationship is to experience conflict, work through it, and get to the other side with friendship in tact. Yes my friend, we know we've arrived when we can go both down and up together. (Note: A relationship should not be marked by drama or continuous conflict. Drama is different than isolated moments of conflict.)

4. Your relationship is fun when it's just you and her and it's fun when new people are added to the mix. Let's make this one short and sweet: Only having fun when it's just you and her, or the three of you, is the stuff of middle schoolers. It's not a sign of maturity or health. Instead, the goal should be to cherish the time you have alone and to open your heart to others when you are with them. That means that you have the capacity to enjoy a very special dynamic together but to not flaunt that dynamic if the face of others when it's more than the two of you hanging out. One of the things I was instantly in love with about Zion was that the fact that I could take him with me to a social gathering of my friends and he handled himself with grace and confidence. I didn't have to babysit him! He wasn't glued to my side the entire evening! He was able to see others of value in the gathering and enjoy them on his own. Dang, that's what I call sexy! LOL! The same basic principle applies to girlfriending. Healthy girlfriends can put their big girl panties on and have fun with others!

5. The relationship makes you want more of God. It's not to say that you talk about God non-stop. It's not that every time together is a Bible study. But it IS to say that I generally walk away with a stirred hunger for God, for truth, for more of Him. It is to say that I can be transparent about my weakness and my strength in Him. It is to say that I know she's wanting Him and let's face it, hunger is contagious. AND - it is to say that she supports and wants health and growth for all of my other relationships. Which certainly includes the most important relationship with God but also extends to my husband, my children, my parents, my other friends...etc. The fruit of our girlfriending relationship is that I feel spurred on by her in other relationships. I feel encouraged to do the right thing. I feel strengthened to step up to the plate. I feel hungry to press in. Health in this relationship should spur on health in other relationships.


(One lifer girlfriend and one who became a lifer the second my brother started dating her and then married her!)

WHEW GIRLS! Another bit of this series down! I find myself encouraged and challenged by my own words, LOL! There is not one of us who doesn't need to grow in healthy girlfriending - including myself.

So, let me take a brief moment to address your heart should you feel discouraged at this point. Don't give up! Don't go out and cut off friendships! Don't feel down if you don't see these signs of health in your girlfriending! Instead - start praying. Ask God to show you the steps you can take to breed more health in your relationships. I always always always find that it's usually my place to take the first step. If I read this list and was discouraged, I hope that I'd have the strength to say, 'Okay, how can I help my friends to feel light hearted? How can I create an atmosphere of working through conflict? How can I encourage us to be okay spending time with others? ect...' But more than anything dear reader, talk to God about it. The Holy Spirit is our helper. He is our counselor. He will show you steps to take. There is only one friendship in my life that I am no longer engaged with at any level. One out of many. The answer is not to dump everyone...just pray.

I pray that you do feel encouraged! After writing, I am SO THANKFUL for the friendships God has put in my life. I want to keep growing. I want to get better at loving. And it thrills my heart to know that that is what HE wants for me too.

Thank you for reading. And seriously, I'd really love to hear what some of your indicators of healthy girlfriending are. What have you seen as a pattern? Hit up me, chica!

Happy weekending and much love,
Abi

Girlfriending: Getting Started

Today is one of those Fridays that make me want to do a little dance. Maybe a jig! The sun is shining (and started doing so before 6 AM), the man is already out the door for work (you go Z!), and the man child is tucked into his couch with Thomas in hand while he watches Thomas. And I'm sitting here - pretending that I'm chatting with you instead of typing words on a screen. It's a jig worthy Friday, my friends!

Girlfriending! What a fun, deep and wide topic. Last week, I started a series on Girlfriending because I love this topic and all of God that we can find within it! Here's a link to part one if you are interested. It's one of those things that we rarely ever think about in terms of how much there is to learn. We all just assume that we all know what we're doing! But I think that girlfriending in a healthy and life-giving way is much more of a learned skill than we give it credit for.



At the end of the day, girlfriending is about girls. And Lord only knows, we all hope and pray we get better with age, but sometimes our humanity gets the very best of us - still. Shoot!

So today, I thought I'd explore the foundation of healthy girlfriending. Because the truth is - we don't become great girlfriends after we have been given great girlfriends. Certainly - we continue learning through each and every relationship. But it all starts way before any one particularly great friend comes into your life and changes your perspective forever. It starts with me. It starts with you! It starts with you, me and God - just us.

So maybe you have a corral full of treasured girlfriends. Maybe you have three. Maybe you're really wondering what is wrong and why this part of your life seems to struggle. Regardless of your circumstance, I think it's healthy for all of us to go back to the very beginning and take a look in the mirror. These are a few of the things I have discovered to be key to my ability to be a life-giving girlfriend in the first place.

1. My perspective of God. He is the one who knows me better than anyone else possibly could. He knows me better than I know myself. He loves me more than any other human is capable of loving. Girlfriends are His idea and His creation, but the truth is that He is enough. He can be enough! The more I delve into this relationship, the more healthy I am in other relationships. And conversely, the less I delve into relationship with Him, the needier I am and wonkier I am in girlfriend relationships. There is a deep need we were born with that He and only He can fill. If I don't allow Him to intimately, genuinely and lovingly deal with me at my core, I will constantly be left feeling that something is missing in my girlfriend relationships. She was never meant to meet that need. She never will. And she'll get very tired if she's being asked to meet needs that she has no possible way of meeting.

If my identity isn't dealt with in Him, then I will be looking to her to fulfill a part of my identity. And that gets weird fast sister.

2. My perspective of myself.. Speaking of identity...Being in healthy girlfriend relationships brings up just as many issues about ourselves that need to be dealt with as it does about anyone else! The truth is, and for real this is true, if you are in relationship with anyone for long enough there is going to be conflict. Take it to the bank sister. Before healthy relationships can be built, a certain level of honesty mixed with confidence has to be established. Honesty: I'm not perfect. I've got just as many quirks as anyone else. I have weaknesses that surface within relationship. I NEED the Lord to keep working on me and showing me how to grow. Confidence: I bring a lot to the table! I like me and I don't need to be like someone else to be worthy of friendship. God has put a unique portion of Himself in me that will come out in healthy friendships. I am ready to be a giver and to also receive. I am rooted in the Lord and open to who He wants to bring into my life! Bring it!

3. My perspective of others. My parents are and were great parents. One of the biggie topics we talked about as kids was the preciousness of others. That each person was created with a God-given preciousness because he or she was created by God. And if I really believed that, it affects how I treat people. It started with how I treated my parents and my brother, but it related to how I treated everyone. If I really believe that each person is a unique and precious creation of God, well then, it's a game changer. If she's valuable because of who her Creator is, that means that it really doesn't matter if our personalities mesh. I am not proposing that this theory be used to say that every single person is to be our best friend, never to be confronted, or always to be pursued. But if we are really wanting to get this girlfriending thing down in a way that honors the Lord, we need to grow up to the point that we can treat each person as if they exist and they matter - regardless of how close we are or are not to them. Being a good girlfriend is just as much about how much we treat the people in the periphery of our lives as it as about how we treat our nearest and dearest.



Ohhhh friends this feels like we've only discovered the tip of the iceberg. Hopefully this series will end up being 3-5 posts total...someone stop me before it becomes a way too long saga! But for now, I am so thankful for the words that are coming as I type about this topic. I am passionate about it because getting the girlfriending thing down will never look like perfection but we have so much to gain from growing in this area. It doesn't matter if you're five, fifteen, fifty or ninety-five....girlfriending is worth growing for. At the end of the day, it's a huge way that God reaches out to us and that He reaches out through us. And that's important.

Lots of love and happy weekending!
Abi

Girlfriending: Making and Keeping Friends

When it comes down to it, there are only a handful of topics that I feel confident giving advice on. Frankly, I think there are only a few topics that God wants me to give input into! I can't foresee writing how-to topics on parenting for many many many years. How-to organize your home? Nope. Super funny stories of my life? Rarely. But there is one topic that lives in my heart consistently and I want to start developing some internal thoughts into external concepts. Please help me with your feedback in this process!

Girlfriending. Some of us have them. Some of us don't. Some of us have them for a few years...and then something simply happens and it's gone. Some of us have them but we don't know how, lol! May I share a brief story with you, kind reader? It will be short but it will give you a point of reference for a bit of my history with girlfriends.

My history with girlfriending started when I was six years old. I was shy and quiet (can you believe it?!) and they were a strong group of four girls - friends since infancy. Classic clique from even that young age. Now don't get me wrong - they weren't directly rude to me - but from the age of six until the age of eighteen they were a constant in my life. It wasn't so much that I was bullied (I wasn't) - but I simply was not a part of the gang. Wouldn't you love more juicy details??? Ahhhhh that's another post my dear. But, I know this, even with the little I have said, SO MANY of you can relate. Whether you have dealt with gangs of girls at a young age, a middle age or an old age, each one of you knows exactly what I am talking about.

Well, to keep it short, the bottom line is that the enemy has plans for our lives but the Lord has plans for our lives too. And at the age of fourteen, His plans started to emerge and the shy girl started to find her voice, personality and convictions. He started to show me that I was NOT alone in my hurt feelings, that the gang 'o four hurt each other as much as they hurt anyone else, and that it was time for me to open my little eyes and see the other jewels around me that had also been affected - each an island unto themselves for the most part. There were other people to appreciate and give attention to beside the gang! Novel. By the time I turned eighteen, God had really done a pretty amazing thing in my heart. In the matter of four years, His confidence had emerged and the power of a group of girls to include me or exclude me had been greatly diminished as I realized my value and worth simply had nothing to do with their opinion of me.

Now - insecurity is a nasty devil to be sure. It's frankly something that I have to keep a sharp eye on within my heart to this day. It would love nothing more than to raise its quiet and deceptive head, I am certain, until the day I die. But it's a battle worth fighting my friend and the biggest reward I've received in allowing Him to help me overcome insecurity is in my friendships. The more I received His help - the sweeter my friendships became. The more numerous they became. The more sought after I became. And the perspective He allowed me to develop from my experience with the gang continues to slap the enemy in the face to this day. I can see people that others don't see. I can see how my actions affect others. I can breed love and acceptance into a group that may have a tendency towards cliqueiness (pretty sure I made that word up). I can have a meaningful conversation with a new acquaintance over the span of five minutes. All while dealing with a the girl inside that still would rather lean towards shyness.

A few of the treasures God has given me in life:


And so, I have no formulas for gaining and keeping girlfriends. But I have been there, done that, with most stories regarding girlfriending. And because of it, I truly care about this topic. I have learned a lot about it. I'm not perfect at it and I still have failures and hurts, but there is an overriding health in my girlfriend relationships that can only be because of the path He allowed me to walk and the heart He allowed to develop because of it.

This is going to develop into a series of posts because who has thirty minutes to read one post??? Nadda. Over the course of the series, we'll delve into signs of a healthy friendship, what to do if you're lacking in healthy girlfriend relationships, and practical actions/decisions that yield rich fruit in a friendship.

But for today, I want to share a few big picture thoughts to get the fire stoked.

Three thoughts to ponder:

1. Every healthy girlfriend relationship is marked by a certain level of mutuality. You're both giving and you're both taking. If you find yourself always giving, something's off. If you find yourself always taking, something's off. Every friendship can go through specific seasons of one friend playing more of one role than another....embrace the season. Watch for it to eventually come back to the middle. Of course, we all have friendships that don't strike this balance and that's okay. But of your truest friends - this is a sign of health. If you're uncomfortable being in a taking/receiving position within the friendship - pray about it because receiving should be a big part of it....which means allowing yourself to be weak/transparent/whacked out in front of someone else. The same is true in reverse. You may not thinking of yourself as being the more dominant receiver. But look at your friendships. What are you giving? I promise promise promise you, you have something to give her.

2. Good girlfriending is NOT about perfection. You are going to make a mess of things at some point and so am I. Sometimes they are little messes and sometimes they are big messes. But the answer driven by love is always to be willing to make it right. Don't let stuff accumulate under the proverbial rug. The more that is avoided, the weaker the friendship.

3. Girlfriends are a healthy part of life! Wives - your husbands were never intended to be your everything. Girls who have a best friend - that one girlfriend was never intended to be your all in all. One human being simply will not ever suffice fully. And truly, there is so much in this life that only God, Himself, can touch. But I'm a firm believer that He moves through the variety of girlfriends in our lives. Don't have just one type. Be open to seeing who God wants to bring along your path! His surprises are always delightful. Being an open person is a mark of relational maturity.

Ahhhhh my friends I think we're just getting started and I'm so thankful for you! So many of you are dear friends in my life and I count myself rich. As always, your feedback is genuinely appreciated. If you have an idea for an aspect of girlfriending that would be great to hit on - please let me know!

Happy weekending y'all!
Abi