We, The Returning Ones

Sometimes the words stir inside of us for a long time before there are verbal words that fit appropriately. Sometimes a desire rumbles around for a good bit before we even realize it is there. And then sometimes, the words that fit the feelings fly to the surface in an instant. That's exactly what happened to me this afternoon - while I was drinking this:

Coincidence? I think not. Lattes certainly prompt the Lord to speak clearly. Someone needs to do a study on this. Please let me be one of your subjects for testing. Please.

The words came in a flash. We, the returning ones. That's me. That's you. That's us. Here we go.

Know that the inexpressible urge you've been having is not just about you. It's wide and it's broad and it's happening for many.

The time has come for us to return, to return to our first love. To finally step all the way in - no turning back. You're not alone.

Perhaps you are like me and there has been a long building to get to this point. Here's a bit of my story.

I grew up knowing the Lord from the time I was a little girl. I love that about my story, but it doesn't matter if you met Him yesterday, we are the same. High school years were spent discovering Him. College years were spent getting to know Him in an entirely new way. Since then, there have been joys wonderful and lows surprising. And somewhere in the mix of that, some funk settled in. My generation craves truth, honesty, transparency. Rejects religion, routine expressions and spiritual performing. Whether we agree with those cries or not - is immaterial. The reality is that those are desires of the Lord's heart - whether we have been offended by them or have embraced them.

I would say my experience was somewhere in the middle. Part of me loves religion if I can be honest. It's predictable. It leads me to believe that 2+2=4. While my husband loves to fly the winds of adventure with no rules and welcomes a raised eyebrow or two, I - well - those things made my insides cringe. But in time, I was kind of forced into agreement with my generation because predictability simply quit working for me. My daily time in the Word dried into hollowness. My times of prayer ceased to be conversation. Every attempt of routine left an awfully weird taste.

Initially, frustration raged. WHY WASN'T THIS WORKING ANYMORE??? I finally let go and just stopped trying the things that used to work. It was oddly freeing. Then it was gloriously freeing. God still loved me if I didn't read X number of chapters a day or prayed first thing in the morning. More than that, He still interacted with me! Outside of the parameters of 'normal', He met me. He eased my fingers out of a death grip on formula. He met me in creativity and freedom.

Mixed into that season were some hard years, though. Years where we walked through the valleys and character was built far below the surface of what anyone would have seen had they just looked at me. When I would try to go back to the Word, and felt nothingness, my heart started to ache. It happened again and again. The feelings of experiencing the Lord through the Word and conversation simply were not there. I kept waiting for the feelings to return. Now, let me say, I walked with the Lord through these years. I loved Him and felt His love for me. He spoke to me and I spoke to Him. I worshipped Him. He reached out to me. But I ached to feel like I had some clue of how to approach the Word and instead I felt lost. Me! A Believer since the age of 6! I did pray and I did feel His response but I knew there was more where that came from and a desperation started to build in me to find it again.

So - there were the freedom years - the aching years - and then the reconnecting/rebuilding years. Ah yes the reconnecting and the rebuilding. Thank you GOD for that! The Lord is full of mercy. He is not far. He is one who goes to find the single lost sheep. That's His personality. So He, in His goodness, simply started to pursue me. I felt a little lost in how to pursue Him, so He took over. There weren't quick fixes - but there was a conversation begun. He started in conversation - quiet whispers to my heart that could have easily been missed. The craving inside of me only grew. The more He gave, the more I wanted. I haven't been perfect in responding. Mercy no. My hope is that 2014 will be a year that I respond in groundbreaking (for me) ways. After the conversation was reestablished, the hunger for His words started to grow. I'll be honest and say that I am in the process of learning what that looks like. But, the music to my ears thing is that I no longer feel lost! I don't feel confident but neither do I feel lost. He's rebuilding my paradigm for knowing Him through His Word and that takes some time.

Can you relate to any part of my journey? I feel silly even typing this because I KNOW that you can. Somehow it seems like a fairly normal journey when the Lord breeds change. He speaks to the young (who are typically more easily convinced to accept the new), He starts breaking the mold, response is both right and wrong and is exactly right and overreactive all at the same time. The change is walked out...initially in freedom and then in a time of wrestling to search out where the Lord really is versus where we thought He was. And then now.

Now.

This year.

You. Me. Us. We are returning. We will be the returning ones. We return to the Lord. To our First Love. We return with a deep conviction that we simply cannot live without Him, without His Word, without the simple disciplines of life in Him. But we return with the knowledge that it WILL look different. There will still be a messing of the routine. Rules will continue to fail us. He may reinvent the wheel with us every single day but that's okay. It may look traditional one week and off our rocker's crazy the next.

But we return.

Hosea 6:1 ESV
"Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up."

So the destruction wasn't mean. It was purposeful. The tearing down of what we knew in order to embrace what we didn't was intentional. Now - let us be healed and be bound up.

You are not alone.

Much love,
Abi

Bankrupt at Christmas

That word - bankruptcy. It makes you draw a sharp breath in, doesn't it? Let me not play games - we are not filing or have not filed for bankruptcy. But it's the only word that works for what's in my heart this morning.

Mercy, Christmas can work us over can't it? It's a season full of both precious moments and frazzled moments alike. I love the romanticism of this beautiful season and I love fully embracing these days. But, have you ever experienced sad moments that suddenly pop up in your heart during this season? It's almost hard for me to put words to the feeling that creeps in out of nowhere. But it can be as if, in an instant, the beauty disappears and the sadness is loud.

I'm sure we each have different stories of what we would attribute those moments to. But, I've come to realize that the sadness that pops in usually connects to the business of my brain and schedule trying to keep up and perform during the season and the accompanying ache in my heart to connect with Him instead. Can you relate? It's like this season somehow makes you feel like you just miss Him.

A few months ago, Zion started sharing with me something that the Lord had been stirring in him. He went through a period of waking very early in the morning and walking the neighborhood for an hour or two most mornings before work. I think it was a time of real interaction with God for Him and it was sacred. He started talking to me about how important declaring our bankruptcy to the Lord was. Bankruptcy is a state of declaring - I don't have enough. The needs far outweigh my capacity to meet them. That concept has continued to roll around inside of me ever since we started talking about it.

The truth is that, neediness and thirst are both gifts.

In seasons like Christmas, it is easy to slip into self-sufficiency - especially in America. Even if things are tight, most of us truly have enough. Most of us have figured out how to be able to spend money on those we love and present gifts to them. These days - it's as simple as a click of a mouse. (I buy every single gift POSSIBLE on Amazon - LOVE.)

Therefore, I have to watch this heart of mine awfully closely at Christmas.

Because, the reality is that I desperately need Him. The thought of this life without Him is so dim that I can't go there for very long. Regardless of how self-sufficient I may lean towards feeling, I can turn my heart towards truth in one instant.

I think of the verse in Psalms..."My soul THIRSTS for you Lord, as in a parched land." YES! No matter where you are today, you can call up thirst in your heart for Him right now. Just meditating on the words 'I thirst for you Lord' start to change my heart. I am not enough on my own. I do not have enough. I don't want to be enough.

He is drawn to that heart - in an irresistible way. Recall His words in John 7:37...

"On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink."

Regardless of how long it's been since you've truly come to drink, let it all fall away. Now, today can change all of that. In an instant, He offers it all to you. To me.

He's near. He's here. He's ALL that we could never even come close to being. And He's offering a deep drink to us. Regardless of how busy you've been, how fast you've been moving, how many gifts have been purchased, join me in deciding today to be bankrupt. I am not enough Jesus and I DO thirst for you.

Now THAT drives sadness out the back door.

Merry Christmas my friends! I am so honored that I get to share this time with you. You are some of my very favorite people and you bring a smile to my face.

Much love,
Abi

Immanuel (and reflections of a person with oversized calves)

How did Friday sneak up on me so silently and sneakily this week? It's one o'clock and my darlingest dearest man child has hit the sack. I sit here with you and there's a few funnies on my brain and one more potent thought. Let's make this one fast!!! As you've heard a million times before.... lol.

Funny number one: Have you shopped for boots recently? Well, I hadn't for a few years - until recently. I'd just like you to know that you are reading the words of a woman who has oversized calves. This was the big revelation from my shopping experience. I guess I just hadn't purchased calf-hugging boots before! My beloved, but worn down to practically nothing, cowboy boots were middies and I still wear them through the pain occasionally. Just to give my ever-lovin-oversized-calves some breathing room. I just want all of you normal-sized calf people to know how happy I am for you because, believe me, your boot selection is much better! I am now the owner of calf-sucking boots and they look great, but when you see me in them, just know the pain that occurred to get to the point of purchase! LOL.

The winning boots, purchased a size up to accommodate the calves :)


Funny number two: My mom and I are committed. Committed to making Christmas cookies with the boys. We have literally done this since they were born. The first Christmas, they were playing on play mats on the kitchen floor. Still we did the cookies. The second year, we made them and Liam wouldn't touch them because the icing was so messy. This was our year! Today was the day! Nope! Cookies had nothing on hot chocolate and the cookies were not touched. As in, we couldn't even bribe them to eat them. Have you ever heard of such a thing??? Fourth time's a charm perhaps? LOL. Knowing mom and I - we will try again next year :).



And on to the potent thought on this Friday. God with us. Immanuel. God with me. God with you. This whole thing is about intimacy. All of it - it's about a God who wanted no division between Himself and His child. It's about His undying desire to be one with us. Immanuel - He came to be with me. He came to be with me!

In my chaos - He wants to be with me.

In the weird emotional highs and lows of this season - He wants to be with me.

In the scurrying from one event to the next - He wants to be with me.

This is the most beautiful gift: that our God came to be with us and He WANTS to be with us right now. So, I've been focusing on quieting my heart to acknowledge Him. Even if it's sixty seconds while I'm driving, brushing my teeth, or wrapping a gift. Just find moments to quiet your heart and remember that He IS with you. He is.

I hope that beauty and truth are finding you this season of celebration!

Much love and Happy Friday,
Abi

PS....Speaking of scurrying to events, my Mom hosted an amazing one for the women of her church. So proud of her!

Mary, Mary

I wish we could share the beauty of my moment together right now. There are plenty of times to be real about life's imperfections. But then there are the times when it is utterly important to breathe deeply of the sweetness in the air. My boy is sound asleep in his room after asking me to 'rock him like a baby' before getting in bed. Mind you he's a tall two year old. Mama's heart melts. The snow (and ice - well really, it's mostly ice) has fallen, the Christmas tree is glowing, the fire is crackling, my husband has drifted off to sleep Lucy Pevensie style by the fire and I am soaking in the warm silence, and typing. Moments like these bring a silence that breeds romanticism. :) (One should note - nearly every room in my home is currently a mess. Life is not perfect...I've just settled in a small corner where I can't see the mess!)

A few weeks ago I was reading the second chapter of Luke and something hit me so hard - as if I'd never read the words before. Isn't that the most beautiful thing?!

Here's what I read:

Luke 2:6-7

"And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn."

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems that even your lost keys are against you? Seriously all you need to do is get to the store to pick up apples and toilet paper. But getting out of the house unfolds into one of life's great challenges: the shirt you thought would be clean, wasn't. The two year old wants to bang against your legs as you put on eyeliner. Said two year old really doesn't care to get out of his way too soggy overnight diaper and runs yelling "Noooooo!!!!!" You stump that same old toe on a red Hot Wheels that has blended into the red of the rug on the kitchen floor. Somehow, by the grace of God, you are finally dressed and he is finally dressed. The purse is in hand. He is hoisted into the car seat and wrestled in to be buckled. You sink in to the driver's seat and reach for your keys. WHERE ARE THE FREAKING KEYS?????!!!!! And you literally have this thought somewhat consciously - 'I am going to hurt someone.' Next thought: 'Are you kidding me God? Do you see me here? Are lost keys in this moment REALLY necessary?'

There are simply those moments when my sense of entitlement to a certain level of ease and what we may like to call blessing, take me back a bit. Hello ugly.

And then I read that teeny tiny phrase at the end of verse 7: "....and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn."

Double take. No room for them in the inn. If there was ever a human entitled to a little special treatment from the Most High - IT WAS MARY. Mary had the kind of faith that awed the heavenlies. She was willing to sacrifice every single bit of her reputation to submit to the Lord's plan. She was even willing to go it totally alone if it had been too much for Joseph. Who knows what her parents thought. She carried the most precious human being in her middle and then got on a donkey. A donkey. Only to get to Bethlehem and be told "We're so sorry. There's no room here tonight."

If I applied my humanity to Mary, her thoughts may have gone something like "Really. Really? Do you see me God? I feel so much pressure that I might explode. Was it too much to ask you to divinely touch my bladder so that the last pit stop wasn't necessary? If we had gotten here twenty minutes ago would that room have been available? DO YOU SEE ME AND YOUR CHILD???"

Somewhere along the line, we've come under the impression that the one God blesses does not encounter challenge.

But it's stories like Mary's that make it so clear how off that is! If anyone deserved some TLC - it was sweet Mary. But God had a bigger picture and a much more beautiful story unfolding that superceded what we may think Mary deserved in our human perspective. Our Savior took his first breath of air on Earth as a human in a stable, with animals and cloaked in humility. In fact, the very truth that He came as a humble King is a huge part of the story of Salvation. Mary's lack of comfort became a cornerstone piece of a story that has been told for thousands of years and sets this God-man apart. He came in humility, he lived in humility and he died in humility. There was something of much more import taking place than whether or not God was good enough to give them a room instead of a stable and a manger.

Mercy, Father. Forgive me for belting out my "God where are you???" cries when the challenge presents itself. Humility is a beautiful gift and this is a beautiful season to turn our eyes to It.

Beautiful.

More Than The Cliche: Thanksgiving

Well compadres, it is Friday night in my world. I think that this would be considered just barely sliding into home base in terms of meeting my Friday blogging goal! LOL. I'm sure that posting a blog at ten p.m. is prime time, right??!! Ah well. I'm kind of enjoying the quiet of a Friday evening. This is going to make me sound way more domestic than I am but I made a homemade vegetable stock tonight so that I can use it to start brining a turkey tomorrow. It smells DElightful in this house! In fact, it's starting to smell like Thanksgiving!

Truth be told, Thanksgiving is perhaps my favorite holiday. December 25, I may be whistling a different tune, but for today the approach of Thanksgiving is feeling wonderful. I love the opportunity to celebrate with a thankful heart and to recall all that has been a blessing. AND - I do love me some Thanksgiving dinner!!!

Sometimes I have to catch myself though. The truth is that thanksgiving is really quite powerful because the act of thanksgiving can breed change in our hearts. Whether it's our daily facebook post of what we are thankful for, or quickly mentioning how thankful we are for x, y or z to a friend, it is so easy for thanksgiving to become easily talked about. Sometimes I have to ask myself whether or not my heart is truly engaged in thanksgiving....

Because somewhere out there is a connection that goes a little something like this:

Thanksgiving....is born out of my humble willingness to say 'God I can't do life on my own and I am not enough on my own'....which leads me to a vulnerable place of true trust that my God will show up in my weaknesses or that I am simply choosing to trust that He will show Himself true despite difficult circumstances.

That may be a little half-baked, but I am pretty sure there must be something between thanksgiving, humility (I'm not enough in and of myself), and trust in Him. Some of the most powerful moments I have experienced of feeling heaviness lift off of my heart have been when I truly feel the temptation to dwell on the dark but make a conscious decision to lift my eyes. To start telling Him what I am thankful for about His character. To start reminding myself that this One has been faithful generation after generation. That He has delivered me countless times before. That He is at work even when it's hard to perceive. That the truth is, no matter how I feel, I am protected. I am shielded and I am comforted.

And that is when thankfulness helps to break us through that seemingly impenetrable wall of doubt, disappointment or just a stupid ol' case of the doldrums. When we start talking to our soul and redirecting the choices of our hearts, heaviness has to lift to some extent.

Paul so simply reminds me in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 to "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." Hmmmm....give thanks in ALL circumstances. That doesn't mean act like things are perfect when they clearly aren't. Robotic declarations won't do us much good, will they? But why would Paul go on to say that this is the will of God for us? To be thankful in all? I think it probably gets back to that trust thing. Because, I can be thankful in all when I trust that I am not alone. Which is the truth for each one of us. We are never asked to walk alone!

Mercy I get so stirred up when I think about thankfulness like that. I think that when we connect thankfulness to trust, the enemy must get nervous!

I wish I knew what your plans are to celebrate Thanksgiving! I wish we could sit down and share with each other the truly remarkable things that have happened this year to once again show us His trustworthiness. Man alive....that would be a long coffee date.

Speaking of Thanksgiving and things I enjoy, may I leave you with something truly wonderful to my family? It's my Gan's recipe for cornbread dressing. I can't get over it and I don't ever want to. If you're looking for a great East-Texas approach to Southern dressing this year, I think you'll like it!

Click here for the recipe!


Love y'all and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Abi

P.S....

Can't help but say that I am really proud of my man these days. Really proud... and THANKFUL for him and all that he teaches me.

AND I am thankful for this one bear I know:

AND I am thankful that Starbucks has given me incentive to buy five holiday drinks so I can get my sixth free. I am up for the challenge and I'm taking it seriously!

Gan's Southern Cornbread Dressing

Gan is my grandma and she taught me how to make this recipe. I think it was actually my Grandy's (grandpa) mom's recipe so it's got roots and it's been tested by time! Enjoy!

Cornbread:
1 cup yellow cornmeal
1 cup flour
4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup oil
1 egg

Blend all ingredients. Beat vigorously 1 min. Pour into 8" or 9" square pan. Bake 20-25 min. at 425 degrees.



Cornbread Dressing:
1.5 recipes of cornbread
1/2 cup chopped onion
3/4 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped green onion
2 pieces white bread
1/4 cup raw rice, cooked
2.5 cups turkey broth (preferably from the turkey you make for the meal)
OR 1 can chicken broth
1/2 TBLS salt
1 TBLS pepper
1 tsp poultry seasoning
1 tsp sage

Mix all of the above except eggs and broth. Store in tupperware overnight and up to three days (I usually store it at least two). Then add raw eggs and broth. Some fat from the turkey can be added in. Bake at 400 degrees in a 9 x 13 dish for about 30 min. Allow to set.



Now I don't know where you stand on gravy but I CANNOT eat my dressing without gravy. Will not. So, here's the giblet gravy recipe too:

Ratio: 2 TBLS fat:2 TBLS flour: 1 cup giblet broth

Add flour to melted fat. Stir with fork until brown. You can repeat the fat and flour step as many times as you'd like to the base for more gravy. Add broth slowly. Cook slowly, stirring until foam is cooked out. Salt and pepper to taste. Add chopped giblets.



Should you need to know how to cook giblets while we are at it:

Cover giblets with water. Add onion, celery, carrots and two peppercorns. Bring to a boil and simmer until all is done, 1-2 hours. Keep covered.



Enjoy my friends! I just wish I could make this with Gan again this year because I sure do miss her!

A Haircut and Hearing His Voice

Happy Friday to you!!! There is a serious delightfulness to Fridays whether you work out of the home, in the home, both, are a student, are retired...whatever. It's that little internal signal to have a little fun!

This is one of those posts in which my heart is brimming with much to say and much to express but the question is - where to start? Have I ever mentioned that my favorite bloggers are the ones that tell funny stories? And have I ever mentioned that the one thing I genuinely struggle to do whilst blogging is to tell funny stories? LOL! I mean, sometimes I sit here and think 'You've got to be kidding me. I know something funny happened to me this week. Something quirky. Some sort of picture perfect / you-see-it-coming kind of story that perfectly illustrates a point. Nope, still nothing. So, we'll go back to what we know best...serious.' LOL! Maybe I should start asking God to give me funny stories!

No - the truth is that in the midst of finding straggler pantry months (which are actually worms before they become moths: gag a million gags) this week, doing the dishes what felt like one hundred times, dealing with a two year old that has the most precious highs and some interesting lows, and getting my hair cut to make me feel more like the real me, the Lord has been speaking. Yes, yes He has been speaking. Not loudly mind you, but quietly.

Do you remember me mentioning a few posts back, that if there is one thing I think He wants of me - it is my voice? If you don't, no biggie. I won't go into it all now, but that's what I have felt since I was about sixteen. Somehow putting it out there to the blogging world though - that I felt I was called to be a voice - opened up a whole world of crazy. I think that's what actually started to make blogging in and of itself seem so intense. All of the sudden, this pressure to say something that mattered via blogging took over. The truth is, sometimes I type things that resonate and sometimes it falls flat. The falling flat started to feel terrifying rather than just 'eh, it happens.' The pressure!

But, God is really nice. Have you ever thought that of Him? He was nice to me one morning and literally woke me up to His truth. It was one of those mornings where I woke up to a Scripture rolling over and over inside of me. Honestly, that doesn't happen that often, so I pay attention when it does! These were the words reverberating inside of me:

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him, and he eat with him, and him with me."

Revelation 3:20

(God's hand could look like a white woman's hand, right? And this is exactly what my door looks like, wink wink.)

Wow! I mean, if I am honest, one of my heart's true desires is to become more adept at memorizing Scripture. It's been years upon years since I have really done it. I hadn't thought of this verse at all recently, it was out of the blue, but word for word. Do you think He had my number? I think so :).

It's just never ever about how good we are at anything. It's not about how consistent of a track record I can build up. It's not about how articulate I can be. It's not about how well we can perform! It's about Him wanting to demonstrate His strength - a particular facet of Himself - through us. It's about Him! Duh, right?

The reminder of that particular part of His truth calmed me so much that morning. I had been focusing inward so much and allowing the pressure of performance to creep upwards, slowly but surely. He broke through all of that in an instant. In a moment He reminded me that it is HE who knocks. He who initiates. And that He DOES knock and if I simply listen for that voice and open up...not only will I hear Him, but He will hang out with me.

Since then, the pressure tries to creep back up occasionally, but it doesn't stick. It is Him that is the voice. I'm only a reflection of His voice and I am way way human. There will continue to be occasional (or more frequent lol!) flat moments and I will miss the mark. BUT, He is knocking and in the end, that's all that really matters. He is knocking.

I could easily close there but can I just pretend for a moment that we are sharing a cup of coffee?? I've got some fun ideas for the future rolling around inside of me and I'd love to bounce them off of you!!! Any and all feedback is welcome! Along with hoping for continued inspiration for the moment as I blog, I've got some ideas for some planned series in blogging:

A series of posts on mentoring (how to find a mentor, how to be mentored when you don't have one, and how to be a mentor)...accompanied by some 'meet my mentor' posts...a casual interview with three women who have mentored me.

A series of posts on the real things that have made a big impact in our marriage (liking him, learning to play on his team, and praying for him)

Girlfriending: How to be a friend worth having and how to find them yourself

If you've got any feedback - I'd LOVE to hear it! Thanks so much for joining me on this ride. It's an honor to share life and a few moments with you. And who knows, maybe the Lord will bring out my funny story telling capabilities after all!

Happy weekend!
Abi

BIG FAT P.S. If you're anything like me, if a new haircut is mentioned, it is cruel to not show pictures. You know how you have to guard yourself from comparing and contrasting too much on social media? Because after all, people only show you the side they want you to see at their best moments (guilty here)? Well, this isn't my worst folks, but it ain't my best either. This is second day hair, worn off makeup and tired Abi at 9:30 at night. You're welcome. :)

(Let me be honest: the lipstick was freshly applied. I am Cheryl Booth's daughter, after all. We is better with lipstick on.)