Girlfriending: Getting Started

Today is one of those Fridays that make me want to do a little dance. Maybe a jig! The sun is shining (and started doing so before 6 AM), the man is already out the door for work (you go Z!), and the man child is tucked into his couch with Thomas in hand while he watches Thomas. And I'm sitting here - pretending that I'm chatting with you instead of typing words on a screen. It's a jig worthy Friday, my friends!

Girlfriending! What a fun, deep and wide topic. Last week, I started a series on Girlfriending because I love this topic and all of God that we can find within it! Here's a link to part one if you are interested. It's one of those things that we rarely ever think about in terms of how much there is to learn. We all just assume that we all know what we're doing! But I think that girlfriending in a healthy and life-giving way is much more of a learned skill than we give it credit for.



At the end of the day, girlfriending is about girls. And Lord only knows, we all hope and pray we get better with age, but sometimes our humanity gets the very best of us - still. Shoot!

So today, I thought I'd explore the foundation of healthy girlfriending. Because the truth is - we don't become great girlfriends after we have been given great girlfriends. Certainly - we continue learning through each and every relationship. But it all starts way before any one particularly great friend comes into your life and changes your perspective forever. It starts with me. It starts with you! It starts with you, me and God - just us.

So maybe you have a corral full of treasured girlfriends. Maybe you have three. Maybe you're really wondering what is wrong and why this part of your life seems to struggle. Regardless of your circumstance, I think it's healthy for all of us to go back to the very beginning and take a look in the mirror. These are a few of the things I have discovered to be key to my ability to be a life-giving girlfriend in the first place.

1. My perspective of God. He is the one who knows me better than anyone else possibly could. He knows me better than I know myself. He loves me more than any other human is capable of loving. Girlfriends are His idea and His creation, but the truth is that He is enough. He can be enough! The more I delve into this relationship, the more healthy I am in other relationships. And conversely, the less I delve into relationship with Him, the needier I am and wonkier I am in girlfriend relationships. There is a deep need we were born with that He and only He can fill. If I don't allow Him to intimately, genuinely and lovingly deal with me at my core, I will constantly be left feeling that something is missing in my girlfriend relationships. She was never meant to meet that need. She never will. And she'll get very tired if she's being asked to meet needs that she has no possible way of meeting.

If my identity isn't dealt with in Him, then I will be looking to her to fulfill a part of my identity. And that gets weird fast sister.

2. My perspective of myself.. Speaking of identity...Being in healthy girlfriend relationships brings up just as many issues about ourselves that need to be dealt with as it does about anyone else! The truth is, and for real this is true, if you are in relationship with anyone for long enough there is going to be conflict. Take it to the bank sister. Before healthy relationships can be built, a certain level of honesty mixed with confidence has to be established. Honesty: I'm not perfect. I've got just as many quirks as anyone else. I have weaknesses that surface within relationship. I NEED the Lord to keep working on me and showing me how to grow. Confidence: I bring a lot to the table! I like me and I don't need to be like someone else to be worthy of friendship. God has put a unique portion of Himself in me that will come out in healthy friendships. I am ready to be a giver and to also receive. I am rooted in the Lord and open to who He wants to bring into my life! Bring it!

3. My perspective of others. My parents are and were great parents. One of the biggie topics we talked about as kids was the preciousness of others. That each person was created with a God-given preciousness because he or she was created by God. And if I really believed that, it affects how I treat people. It started with how I treated my parents and my brother, but it related to how I treated everyone. If I really believe that each person is a unique and precious creation of God, well then, it's a game changer. If she's valuable because of who her Creator is, that means that it really doesn't matter if our personalities mesh. I am not proposing that this theory be used to say that every single person is to be our best friend, never to be confronted, or always to be pursued. But if we are really wanting to get this girlfriending thing down in a way that honors the Lord, we need to grow up to the point that we can treat each person as if they exist and they matter - regardless of how close we are or are not to them. Being a good girlfriend is just as much about how much we treat the people in the periphery of our lives as it as about how we treat our nearest and dearest.



Ohhhh friends this feels like we've only discovered the tip of the iceberg. Hopefully this series will end up being 3-5 posts total...someone stop me before it becomes a way too long saga! But for now, I am so thankful for the words that are coming as I type about this topic. I am passionate about it because getting the girlfriending thing down will never look like perfection but we have so much to gain from growing in this area. It doesn't matter if you're five, fifteen, fifty or ninety-five....girlfriending is worth growing for. At the end of the day, it's a huge way that God reaches out to us and that He reaches out through us. And that's important.

Lots of love and happy weekending!
Abi

Girlfriending: Making and Keeping Friends

When it comes down to it, there are only a handful of topics that I feel confident giving advice on. Frankly, I think there are only a few topics that God wants me to give input into! I can't foresee writing how-to topics on parenting for many many many years. How-to organize your home? Nope. Super funny stories of my life? Rarely. But there is one topic that lives in my heart consistently and I want to start developing some internal thoughts into external concepts. Please help me with your feedback in this process!

Girlfriending. Some of us have them. Some of us don't. Some of us have them for a few years...and then something simply happens and it's gone. Some of us have them but we don't know how, lol! May I share a brief story with you, kind reader? It will be short but it will give you a point of reference for a bit of my history with girlfriends.

My history with girlfriending started when I was six years old. I was shy and quiet (can you believe it?!) and they were a strong group of four girls - friends since infancy. Classic clique from even that young age. Now don't get me wrong - they weren't directly rude to me - but from the age of six until the age of eighteen they were a constant in my life. It wasn't so much that I was bullied (I wasn't) - but I simply was not a part of the gang. Wouldn't you love more juicy details??? Ahhhhh that's another post my dear. But, I know this, even with the little I have said, SO MANY of you can relate. Whether you have dealt with gangs of girls at a young age, a middle age or an old age, each one of you knows exactly what I am talking about.

Well, to keep it short, the bottom line is that the enemy has plans for our lives but the Lord has plans for our lives too. And at the age of fourteen, His plans started to emerge and the shy girl started to find her voice, personality and convictions. He started to show me that I was NOT alone in my hurt feelings, that the gang 'o four hurt each other as much as they hurt anyone else, and that it was time for me to open my little eyes and see the other jewels around me that had also been affected - each an island unto themselves for the most part. There were other people to appreciate and give attention to beside the gang! Novel. By the time I turned eighteen, God had really done a pretty amazing thing in my heart. In the matter of four years, His confidence had emerged and the power of a group of girls to include me or exclude me had been greatly diminished as I realized my value and worth simply had nothing to do with their opinion of me.

Now - insecurity is a nasty devil to be sure. It's frankly something that I have to keep a sharp eye on within my heart to this day. It would love nothing more than to raise its quiet and deceptive head, I am certain, until the day I die. But it's a battle worth fighting my friend and the biggest reward I've received in allowing Him to help me overcome insecurity is in my friendships. The more I received His help - the sweeter my friendships became. The more numerous they became. The more sought after I became. And the perspective He allowed me to develop from my experience with the gang continues to slap the enemy in the face to this day. I can see people that others don't see. I can see how my actions affect others. I can breed love and acceptance into a group that may have a tendency towards cliqueiness (pretty sure I made that word up). I can have a meaningful conversation with a new acquaintance over the span of five minutes. All while dealing with a the girl inside that still would rather lean towards shyness.

A few of the treasures God has given me in life:


And so, I have no formulas for gaining and keeping girlfriends. But I have been there, done that, with most stories regarding girlfriending. And because of it, I truly care about this topic. I have learned a lot about it. I'm not perfect at it and I still have failures and hurts, but there is an overriding health in my girlfriend relationships that can only be because of the path He allowed me to walk and the heart He allowed to develop because of it.

This is going to develop into a series of posts because who has thirty minutes to read one post??? Nadda. Over the course of the series, we'll delve into signs of a healthy friendship, what to do if you're lacking in healthy girlfriend relationships, and practical actions/decisions that yield rich fruit in a friendship.

But for today, I want to share a few big picture thoughts to get the fire stoked.

Three thoughts to ponder:

1. Every healthy girlfriend relationship is marked by a certain level of mutuality. You're both giving and you're both taking. If you find yourself always giving, something's off. If you find yourself always taking, something's off. Every friendship can go through specific seasons of one friend playing more of one role than another....embrace the season. Watch for it to eventually come back to the middle. Of course, we all have friendships that don't strike this balance and that's okay. But of your truest friends - this is a sign of health. If you're uncomfortable being in a taking/receiving position within the friendship - pray about it because receiving should be a big part of it....which means allowing yourself to be weak/transparent/whacked out in front of someone else. The same is true in reverse. You may not thinking of yourself as being the more dominant receiver. But look at your friendships. What are you giving? I promise promise promise you, you have something to give her.

2. Good girlfriending is NOT about perfection. You are going to make a mess of things at some point and so am I. Sometimes they are little messes and sometimes they are big messes. But the answer driven by love is always to be willing to make it right. Don't let stuff accumulate under the proverbial rug. The more that is avoided, the weaker the friendship.

3. Girlfriends are a healthy part of life! Wives - your husbands were never intended to be your everything. Girls who have a best friend - that one girlfriend was never intended to be your all in all. One human being simply will not ever suffice fully. And truly, there is so much in this life that only God, Himself, can touch. But I'm a firm believer that He moves through the variety of girlfriends in our lives. Don't have just one type. Be open to seeing who God wants to bring along your path! His surprises are always delightful. Being an open person is a mark of relational maturity.

Ahhhhh my friends I think we're just getting started and I'm so thankful for you! So many of you are dear friends in my life and I count myself rich. As always, your feedback is genuinely appreciated. If you have an idea for an aspect of girlfriending that would be great to hit on - please let me know!

Happy weekending y'all!
Abi

There Is Grace For You Mama

Sometimes coming up with the right title for a post is the thing that trips me up the most. What's on my heart most relates to my mama experiences as of late but grace applies to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

I've been mulling this one in my heart this week. The topic of grace. More specifically, what a huge difference a little switch of perspective makes when grace is in the picture. Wouldn't you know this very morning I needed the reminder just as much as anyone else! I'm so thankful that this pregnancy with our second little boy has been smooth, he is healthy, and any symptoms I deal with are minimal. But you know what I do consistently get? SO. MANY. DREAMS. Lots more than I had with Liam. Mostly they are just weird and long. But sometimes they veer into disturbing. And those seem to last as long as I will let them. If I wake up from it (even praying) and lay there for a few minutes and then go back to sleep the dream will start right where it left off when I woke up. I'm trying to remember to pray and invite the Lord to come right before I go to sleep...sometimes I'm too tired and I just fall into bed, forgetting all else, and go to sleep instantly. They have gotten better but I do need to get a little more serious about praying over my sleep.

Well, this morning was no exception. The dream had something to do with drowning on a plane (good grief!) and I consciously decided to wake myself up because frankly, how ridiculous is that? I was not going to deal with it. I knew when I woke myself up that it likely meant I'd be awake from 3:30 in the morning on....another pregnancy deal - hard to get back to sleep once woken. But this morning, I didn't care because I'd much rather be awake than be partnering with fear. By no means am I presenting a theory of how to handle bad dreams! It was just what I felt grace for this morning.

So I stumbled into the living room, flipped on the lamp, and thought to myself - 'considering what I want to write about today - this is just about right!' I found my Bible, which looked like this:

Life with boys!

I started reading some and then shifted my focus to my heart focus today: grace.

A few weeks ago, I started thinking a lot more about it. Even at one child to care for, there are more moments than I can count where I feel beyond weak. When a circumstance hits me in the face that just sucks any energy I had left right out of me. When my body says - 'No more! You can't do more!'. The moments certainly come during our days but they seem to be particularly loud when they come in the middle of the night!

Sleeping consistently has been hard to come by with this pregnancy so when Liam needs me during the middle of the night - well I will give you one guess as to what my heart attitude looks like. Ha! Cue thoughts like "I simply can't do this." "We have such a big day tomorrow and now I am going to be even more tired." "This isn't fair." Or just cue the anger. LOL! I hope you can relate. Or perhaps you're the mom that delights in the middle of the night interactions? I'm her sometimes :).

But one night/morning/who knows really a few weeks ago, the Lord cut off my frustrated and depleted thoughts with a simple but strong statement.

"Abi, there's grace for you."

Huh? That stopped me cold.

Is it really that simple? A simple switch of perspective? A quick acknowledgement that I'm REALLY not alone? That He knows? That He is there to help? That simple, huh?

I think it is. Immediately my heart warmed and I felt the support of his grace upon those words. The victim thoughts were drowned out by the realization that I could lean into his grace and it would be more than enough for me and more than enough for my man and my little. I'm a visual person and this picture of a big puddle of water (grace) that I can choose to step into keeps coming back to me. It's right there. Always ready for me to step into.

Merriam Webster....those guys are smart. I like them. So I asked them what grace was. Two different definitions stood out:

1. Unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. Divine assistance that is unmerited???? Yes and amen, sister!

2. Skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations. At first I glossed over this one but then I laughed and came back to it because I can use a WHOLE LOT OF THIS after not sleeping well!

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, 'MY grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest up on me."

Oh man. Can I get that on auto-repeat looping through me all day long?

There is grace for you, Mama! There is grace for you. It is there. Your weakness is okay because His strength is just aching to take over. You don't have to be frustrated at how much is pulled from you and asked of you all day long because He wants to flood in and fill you. And apparently we can even have skills needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations! Praises.

This pic was taken after Liam and I landed at Double Shot this Tuesday.

It had been QUITE the morning of nothing but rush. But there was grace. He reminded me again and again that I didn't have to pick up the hard because his grace was there.

As we celebrate being mommies and those who are our mommies this weekend - let us remember grace. It's a game changer.

Happy weekending y'all!
Abi

The Muffuletta, Starburst Jelly Beans, and Hannah

Happy Friday!

Sometimes we just need to take a moment and invite the heart of a high school student back in and picture ourselves nearly running to our cars on Friday after classes are over. I remember that feeling of not running but feeling like I could scream and jump and dance at the beginning of a blessed weekend. WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! The truth is that my mom life doesn't make Saturday look much different than Tuesday but still - a kick in our heart perspective can do us a lot of good from time to time! So FRIDAY I welcome you with joy, a little thrill and an open heart.

May I continue to just warm up my typing fingers? After all, a two month plus break from blogging makes jumping back in a little stark. So I thought I'd just share some thoughts from my week. Wish I could hear yours. If there's one solitary thing that irritates me it's a one sided conversation. So even if you don't comment or email or message or anything - just talk back to me in your own mind. It will be fun!

First, I'd like to tell you about something not-too-fancy but yummy that I recently ate: the Muffuletta sandwich from McAlisters. Truly, it was no gourmet sandwich. In fact, it was nothing compared to the original sandwich which can be found at Central Grocery store in New Orleans. But I just found myself loving it entirely. It was turkey (I subbed that for the normal ham), provolone cheese, and Gambino's olive salad with a thin slice of salami capping the whole pile off. It was different and it was good! Certainly not everyone's taste buds would love olive salad but mine DID!

Not my exact sandwich, but you get the idea:


I'd also like to report that on Monday (day after Easter), I had a half a bag of Starburst jelly beans left. I threw the bag away. Let's celebrate the little victories people.

I wonder what you've been wishing you could eat recently? Sometimes I just find myself thinking about things that I haven't had in a while and plotting when I will fit each thing in :). On my list now: Pho Ga and Bun Cha Gao from Viet Huong, French Drip sandwich from Charlestons, a croissant from Stone Horse, a mix from Braums (vanilla with Oreo and Heath), and Chicken Sagwala from India Palace. Thinking I'll need some time to make it all a reality, ha!

Drooling:


Oddly enough my random thoughts blog post seems to mostly have to do with food. You know - I asked the Lord to put something on my heart for this post and clearly - food it is. Don't you kind of love the thought of God Almighty totally enjoying a meal or dish with you???

Have you cooked anything new recently? I'd love some new recipes to throw in my mix. My requirements for recipes are as follows: it can be a little lengthy in required ingredients, but my total prep time cut off is 30-45 minutes. Not that you can tell from the above thoughts, but it needs to be not too heavy on cheese, creamy things, butter, etc. But it MUST be HIGH on taste. I'm specifically feeling a good salad recipe could be appreciated. But, I love Italian, French, Asian, American, soups, salads....yum. So seriously - shoot me some of your favorite recipes! Next time I should post the recipe I have for peanut chicken. It's so yum. That is - if you like nuts, lots of curry, tomatoes and chicken :). Also - I'm on the hunt for a good chicken and rice recipe. A few years ago, I tried a pretty basic recipe and it was - well, basic. And a little bland. I like interesting things. But I remember loving chicken and rice casserole as a kid and I'd love to rediscover it. Thoughts?

Prepare yourself as my thoughts are now transitioning off of food.

I had a frank conversation with the Lord this week that ended up being quite fruitful. I was a tad frustrated. With the Bible. Frustrated with my interactions with the Bible. Frustrated with feeling like I was going through the motions but there was no mojo. Done with the no mojo. I told Him that I NEEDED Him to show me what to read. I told Him I was desperate. I want to know Him more and more. I want to learn Him through His word. I want to discover the Scripture....but I'm not in a Bible study right now, I am not feeling a reading plan, and I am done with (for now) randomly opening the Bible and seeing what pops out. It is time to dig but I don't want to dig out of my own ideas - I want Him to show me what to dig into. We aren't always in the place. I have enjoyed so many studies, reading plans, etc. But it's just a different season. Well, He answered. It was a quiet answer that one could argue may have been my own thoughts.... read the story of David. The whole story from start to finish. So I started a few days ago.

David's story begins in First Samuel - around the sixth chapter. It seemed natural to start at the beginning of First Samuel and lo and behold, He met me there. It was alive. He was there. It was the story of Hannah and her very real experience of being barren while her 'sister wife' had child after child...and on top of that antagonized Hannah about it. Can you even imagine? It's hard enough to wait when others are not having to wait at all - but then to be blatantly antagonized over it? Brutal. Hannah's prayer of thanks as she gives Samuel to the Lord absolutely captivated me. She speaks from a healed heart. But she also says some startling things about Him.... one statement alone grabbed me:

1 Samuel 2:6 "The Lord kills and brings to life."

Well, that's a little offensive. The Lord kills? Doesn't that mess with our theology? But, the truth is that when you've been allowed to walk through loss or trial, you come to realize that although many of us don't admit we expect a pain-free life, we are shocked and shaken when the pain comes. I mean, it's just shocking! But one thing, I know to be true: this God is a man of mystery. He is not to be formulized, reduced to very many 'always' or 'never' statements.

This woman who had born years of grief over a barren womb could say - that yes, the Lord does allow things to die BUT He also brings things to life in a way that only He could. Who is like our God? There is no rock like our God. There is no one who can bind up and heal hearts like He can. Oh man. If you're looking for a story to read, 1 Samuel 1-2 are calling your name!

There is beauty that words cannot capture in both death and life. God is the God who cares in our loss and in our gain. The night may last for a while, but the morning comes. It does come. It does.

I do sincerely hope that your weekend is delightful. That you and me both decide to be a little thrilled by it and to kick our heels up. That you eat something really enjoyable. And that you find Him. That you knock down His door if it's been a little quiet recently. Because this we know - He's longing to be with us.

Happy weekending y'all!
Abi

The Typing Fingers Have Returned....

If you are reading this post, bless your heart. For real. I can make no guarantees that it will be five minutes worth reading but it does warm my heart to think of you sitting there and grimacing through with me.

I'm not even certain what I will write about today. But something urged me to the point of writing today so here I am, and here you are. Once again, I say with all sincerity, bless your heart.

It's Good Friday - a truly beautiful day of remembering if you are a Believer. You'd think that I'd have something poignant to say about this weekend we call a holiday but is so much more than that. I wish I did! My heart is moved today.

Although I will say - on an Easter candy note - why, oh why, are Starburst Jelly Beans SO GOOD? My top three Easter candies are those, the malted milk robin's egg things, and a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. Praises!

There's so much I wish I could say but the words just won't flow today. This post is my proverbial - get back up on that horse effort. It's time to write again and I have simple belief that the words will start to flow if I let the fingers type....but it may take me a few tries.

I wonder how you are today. Are you grabbing a brief moment of solitude while reading in the midst of a harried day? Or has it been a beautiful day of calm? My day has been more on the calm side - if you can believe it! My dearest Mom took Liam for the day so that I could work on cleaning my floors, make homemade lemon bars for a Passover meal at our house tomorrow (what - didn't you know that lemon bars are a sacred element of Passover???), prepare an Easter basket and wrap a girlie birthday present for my niece who turns one today. It's so funny what a nice day it's been even though I've been working. Those infrequent days of quiet are true mommy treasures. An opportunity to think a little more clearly, listen a little more intently, and vacillate between worship at IHOP and Pharrell's Happy. A girl on her own can do these things!

Speaking of Easter baskets...what a thing they have become! I think my apple falls not far from the tree of my mama :). She always did Easter baskets and they were a lot of fun...candy, eggs, and goodies...but most of the gift element had to do with something that would be spiritually encouraging. For us - that meant years and years of Adventures in Odyssey! Caleb and I fell asleep listening to those tapes for years. So now - I just can't bring myself to go out and buy special toys to fill the Easter basket! This year, it's a paperback version of The Beginner's Bible 'The First Easter', a kids book version of the story of David and Goliath, and then...some fun sidewalk chalk. And that's it! LOL. Well...I must correct that. Starburst Jelly Beans and my friend Libby's amazing cookies will be making an appearance. Seriously - these are the best sugar cookies...hands down. I'd like to think myself some low level of expert in all things sweet - so take my word for it. Wink wink!

I pray wherever you are - that you have the opportunity to consider Jesus today. Maybe you've walked with him for years or maybe everyone's talk of Jesus has become easily disregarded over the years. Either way - just consider considering him today. Consideration can be the beginning of something beautiful.

May your weekend be full of grace and peace. I am going to be reminding myself of those two words as I prepare my home for a Passover celebration tomorrow night....sometimes my ugliest moments occur when getting my house ready to host! Let's just go ahead and put this down on screen - I'll be back next Friday with my typing fingers. Thanks for helping me ride again even though the ride was all ramble.

Much love,
Abi

PS...Go ahead and find yourself a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg this weekend. When all is said and done, it will be worth it ;).

A Story from Austin: IF Conference Recap

There is no other word for this moment other than 'MERCY!' Mercy seems to be such an appropriate word during so many of my blog posts lol. Could it have taken me any longer to get this post done? I mean, it probably could have, but I've put it off for looooooooong enough.

I've struggled with the words for this one again and again. The experience for me was great, difficult, amazing, challenging and so much more. So it's a little hard to put all of that into a post.

Here's a little excerpt from my blog the day after IF ended and I had time by myself on Sunday morning:
(click on the picture if you need it larger)

So here's to trying to summarize my experience at the IF Gathering!

First, let me just say that they pulled off one amazing experience for the attendees. It was incredibly thought through and intentional at every turn.

Venue: Austin Music Hall

My first surprise was SO MANY of the women there were from Austin. I had been a part of a Facebook group and from that exposure it seemed that there were really a lot of people in the same boat as I was: intended to go with friends but tickets sold out too quickly, so going alone. I was expecting to get there and be surrounded by people who could relate. Not so much! A LOT of groups.... a lot of big groups from Austin. In fact one girl even mentioned to me that until she got there she had not realized that it wasn't an event exclusive to Austinites! My friend from college, Brittany, was my saving grace. Truly. She was there as a volunteer so we didn't get to experience the sessions together but she saved me a SWEET seat near the front right from the beginning. I would have been on the last row had it not been for this girl! We haven't seen each other since college but she was exactly what I needed over the weekend and she was a breath of fresh air. I ended up staying with her at her friend's house in a delightfully large queen bed with plenty of space for two! We had SO MUCH great conversation and she was the highlight of my trip.

Brittany and me!

Downstairs view:

The table setups were beautiful:

View from upstairs (where it was just chairs), looking down:

So here's the deal about me. I am not without my insecurities. By the grace of God, I have come into so much healing from the Lord but like so many of you - I have my vulnerable buttons that are still works in progress. Well, the seat that Brittany saved for me was amazing. It was up close and personal. It was also smack dab in the middle of a group of very sweet girls. Very sweet girls who had been friends since college - which went back more than ten years. They were so kind to me and made a point to pull me in as much as possible. Truly. But, sista, there is just no way around the awkwardness that is jumping right into the middle of a group of girls that has been friends for more than ten years. Do you laugh at the jokes you clearly don't get the punch line to? Do you ask for the back story to each story you can only halfway follow because - hello - you just weren't there. Do you try to really establish relationships with these new friends or do you act aloof because again - hello - we are parting ways in a mere 16 hours. I would say that I muddled through the dynamic fairly well but must be honest in saying that it was a distraction for me. My emotions were frustrated to be dealing with what seemed to be old feelings of insecurity. Until at one point on Saturday, it was like the Holy Spirit gave me a little shake and said 'ABI! It's not you! It's not your problem! It's a weird situation and most anyone in your shoes would find it to be.' Well thank you Lord for truth! So it wasn't the social dynamic I imagined walking into for the weekend, but I think it was exactly what the Lord used to prod me to the points He wanted to make.

Me (pink sleeve) and the group of girls....see? Very nice!

I could pull out my notes and try to recap each speaker but I'm not kidding when I say - there were so many speakers that this post would never ever see the light of day if I did that. So I'll just rattle off my highlights:

Jennie Allen
Rebekah Lyons
Christine Caine
Ann Voscamp

And I will tell you why each of them were highlights for me.

Jennie Allen - I barely knew who Jennie Allen was but she is someone the Lord is definitely using to call up the next generation of women in the Body of Christ. That sounds pretty Christianese but I don't know how else to say it. She's the visionary behind IF and the thing that stirred me so deeply about Jennie was her normalcy. She was no superstar. She was you. She was me. She was just 100% committed to what she felt the Lord was asking her to do. She's a mom of a handful and a wife and a writer and a visionary. If you're not familiar with her, become familiar with her.

Rebekah Lyons - I really want to be her friend someday. Rebekah is one of those people who gets up to speak in front of 1,200 and somehow makes you feel that it's just she and you sharing a story together. She told a transparent story of the journey the Lord has taken her on over the past years. She and her husband moved their family and organization from Atlanta to New York City a few years ago. She told the humbling story of the anxiety attacks she began to deal with as a New Yorker and the 18 month struggle she endured with the Lord through it until healing came. What a normal, transparent woman. She said this: "Calling is where your talents and your burdens collide." Let that roll around a bit! She also encouraged each person to think back to themselves as a child....what purely thrilled your heart as an 8 year old? Sometimes those are the things we should remember when pursuing what God has for our lives. Like I said, I really want to be her friend someday.

Christine Caine - I mean she's power packed. But the thing she said that STILL rings in my ears is 'Why would I allow what happened for the first 18 years of my life to dictate and color how I lived the next 36 years of my life?" She's 48 now as was referring to a lot of trauma she endured up until she was 18 years old. She wasn't saying that it's not important to allow the Lord time to heal but rather that there comes a point where we wake up and choose to walk in freedom. She also kept driving home the point that you can be delivered but not free of something. I think the semantics are a little confusing, but the heart of it is right on. You can allow the Lord to 'deal' with something in you but still allow it to color your heart. It is possible however to walk with a new heart. Again, let that roll around a bit!

Ann Voscamp. Oh Ann. She did a number on me. Her content was deep and it was rich. But more than anything, she was the one God used most for me over the course of the weekend. I have not read her book, I read only a few of her blog posts, and I had never seen or heard her in person. May I just say, Ann marches to the beat of her own drum. She fits into no mold that I can think of. Her physical voice sounds like no one else's. She is dramatic. Words flow and swish and sway out of her. She is poetic. Her hair is different than anyone else's. While many sported long flowing locks of femininity, she styled short angular hair. I mean, truly, she was in her own category in just about every sense. Which leads me to what the Lord was sharing with me in a snowball kind of way throughout the conference:

Somewhere along the line many years ago, I became convinced that I needed to filter myself. It had both noble and wonky origins. Noble in the sense that I wanted to filter my words and expressions in order to take in to consideration how they would impact the person I was communicating with. That's good. Wonky in the sense that I also wanted to not stand out too much, to be able to identify the normal in any dynamic I was in and flow with that vibe, etc. I'm not even sure that makes sense to anyone but me. But it's been a very real presence in my life. Sometimes it is GOOD to be filtered because it makes your words count more. But for me, I think the Lord pulled the covers back on how out of balance my filter has become.

Frankly, I hesitate to even share that because I'm still uncertain as to what He wants to do with that. That filter has become so entrenched in my way of processing that I don't even know it's there most of the time. It's the thing that thinks through my words before I speak to make sure they make sense. It's the thing that holds me back from saying truth because it sounds whacked out. It's the thing that holds me back from saying something if I feel the recipient won't agree or get it. It's the thing that makes me hold back the free flow of who I really am from time to time.

Now, this isn't to say that you don't know the real me. You do! I just think there's more. I'm not sure how the Lord will choose to deal with it because it's really going to take a lot of work on His part to walk me through even realizing when I am filtering!

But man alive, as I was processing the next day over breakfast, He was pointing to Ann Voscamp and saying 'Now THERE is a woman who is unfiltered, Abi! Let her example stir you to put it all out there.' And then, as only He could...He set me up for one of the most sacred moments of the entire conference.

I got to the airport and savored my alone time in a seat at a random gate and then about ten minutes before I was supposed to board, I walked over to my gate and leaned against the windows. A few minutes later I looked up and my eyes immediately fell on a head of short angular hair bent over something in her lap. My heart began to pound out of my chest. I started to sweat. It was most definitely Ann Voscamp. Everything inside of my flesh screamed 'noooooooo don't even think of approaching her!' while my spirit knew that I was at the right place at the right time and there really wasn't much of a choice as to what was about to happen. My sweating went to a whole new level. She was sandwiched between people seated and waiting to board so I knew if I went over to her - there would be nothing private about our exchange. Felt like the Lord bolted my feet to the ground and told me to just stay where I was. Of course, they start boarding our SouthWest flight where you line up before entering the plane. And yep, she walks straight over to me and slows to a crawl just in front of my face. Voice shaking "Um, are you Ann?" She smiled so warmly and said yes. "I, um," (start crying - not even kidding) "am not going to talk to you for more than two minutes so don't be freaked out. But, I (through tears that only come from sensing the spirit of God so strongly you have no other choice) just wanted to say thank you (gulp gulp) for being so unfiltered this weekend. It meant so much to me. And if you needed any encouragement in the wake of the conference - let this be it. What you did mattered." Those words sound so smooth as I type them.... let me assure you they rambled out of my mouth as I cried through them....not smooth.

I'm not going to share what Ann said in return because it was so personal to her that I just don't feel it's mine to share. But long and short, she started crying just about when I did. She hugged me so tightly and looked me right in the eyes and encouraged me to really go for it. That it's worth it. It's worth it all. We exchanged for probably two minutes and then it was over. I didn't stop crying for five minutes straight after we parted ways though. It was holy ground we stood on and it was the Lord calling me into the unfiltered way. I still don't even know what it means. But I want to find out. She was human and real and deeply affected by God. Lord, do your work in my heart.

What a long post right? And did I even give a very good recap of the conference? No! LOL. But I am thankful to let what has been churning in my heart, out.

The If Gathering will hold another conference next year in Austin. February 6&7. Please don't make me go alone again next year!!!!

P.S..... This is me Saturday morning before the second day of the conference. So. Tired. Please come with me next year and share this exhaustion with me:

Austin Bound, Heart Expecting

I think it was sometime last summer (2013). I read a link that Jen Hatmaker posted about the first ever If:Gathering in Austin, Texas. I'm not a conference junkie but my heart pounded out of my chest as I read about it. From that moment, I knew that I had to be in Austin on February 7 & 8.

This was one of the videos I watched that absolutely grabbed my heart (click on the words, 'the bigger vision'):

If : Gathering - The Bigger Vision from If Gathering on Vimeo.

Did you watch it????? I WISH YOU WERE COMING WITH ME!!!

So the funny thing is that when I first heard of it, I had this vision of caravaning down to Austin with many kindred spirits - together ready to just show up and see what happens. So many friends were interested! I logged on about 35 minutes after registration opened....any I got one of the last spots available. In under one hour, 1,200 women from all over the U.S. scooped up every single spot available. Wow! All of the sudden, I was going and I was going - alone.

All of the sudden I AM going and I am going alone!!! LOL.

But man, a few minutes of hearing Jennie Allen's heart and I knew that I simply could not miss this. It was as if she was speaking words from my own heart and I barely knew her name. Calling women in this generation to seek the Lord together? Yes. It's not about one big name but about many? Yes. It's about a deep conviction that big things are about to happen in the Kingdom with women? Yes.

Most of the names of those in leadership are unfamiliar to me. And I'm going without a compadre but somehow it seems sacred to be going alone. How often am I ever really alone? No diapers in my purse, no checking my phone to see how much longer I have before I need to get back to the big boy and the little boy, no one to think about but myself really. Now that's just ridiculous!

And get this - I'm staying with my good friend's sister....who leads a big college ministry at UT. She lives with a handful of girls. And she won't be there. I am literally going to sleep in Danica's bed in a house full of girls I don't even know the names of. Ha! At this point - why not up that ante???

Did you know that if this video grabbed your heart though, you can be a part of the conference FOR FREE from your own computer or phone??? They are streaming the live conference to anyone who would like to join. If you're in Tulsa, you can join other groups of girls participating in the live stream at both Sanctuary and Believers Church.

So, I'm off today. Off to follow the crazy beat of my heart. Off to gather. Off to say, 'I'm all in.'

Want to see pics??? I will be documenting my experience and then I'll be back on Tuesday next week (or maybe before!!) with what happened.

So, sweet reader, may your weekend be restful. May it be stirring. May it be - dare we say? - life changing.

Much love,
Abi