Alone

I have never liked being a lone-ranger.

The feeling is a bit like nails on a chalk board to my soul.

It's not about being with people or being alone in my every day life.  It is being on my own in the pioneering/creating/believing/leading moments that makes me want to run.  Whether it is an organization project in my home, a belief in parenting, pressing in to write, or just going a path that is less traveled than the one many of my friends are on, being a lone ranger makes me want to run. If it's a closet that needs to be cleaned out, I find myself thinking 'I need Anna to do this with me.'  If it's pondering writing, I find myself avoiding in the worst way and then thinking 'I feel so alone.  I wish I was a speech writer on a communications team.'  Cue my Toby Ziegler/Sam Seaborn West Wing drooling.

But, a few months ago, I had a break through.

We are a part of a house church and we partner in leading it with a team of six: it's one of the hardest and the best things.  The six of us have vast areas of common ground and what feels like an ocean's worth of different perspectives.  A few months ago, I left a leadership meeting in tears.  I was exhausted from feeling like my perspective was held by no one else.  I was weary from blank or even confused faces looking back at me after I garbled out my heart.  The more lack of understanding from them I perceived, the more tangled my words became.  I felt more of a lone-ranger than ever before, and my instincts said 'Run...this can't be right.'

The funk hung around and over me for the week following the meeting.  And then, all of the sudden, He broke through the funk and pierced truth into my heart:

"They don't see what you see, because they are not supposed to see it.  This is not their's to carry.  It is what I am asking you to do.  I am asking you to lead in this way...not them.  They are to lead in other ways than you are.  Stop craving consensus. Stop asking for a yes-vote from each person before you feel released lead.  Lead, Abi.  You lead."

Holy mother.

Moments like that make me feel the truth of Hebrews 4:12 in my bones:

"God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it—no matter what." 
(The Message translation)

In an instant, the temper tantrum over feeling alone melted into quiet realization.  I was supposed to be alone?  Being alone wasn't wrong even though my instincts said it was wrong? I didn't need to wait for consensus and approval and agreement before proceeding?  

Is the point to create a new formula? My brain gravitates towards formulas and always/never scenarios.  But no.  There is no always lone-rangering it; there is no never proceeding until consensus is attained.  There is only ear to the ground attempting to follow Him wherever He's going. Sometimes that takes us to a road that is quietly alone.  Sometimes that takes us back into the fold of team and consensus.  

My brain continues to tell me that I am my best on a team.  But, my spirit and my soul are starting to tell me a story that differs.  They are starting to tell me that I am never alone even if I am misunderstood.  I am strong enough to be disagreed with.  I am strong enough to thrive or to fail without crumbling.  

There comes a time when striding forward is the right way.  Even if it seems like it is the lone ranger road.  Discomfort doesn't mean wrong.  It doesn't mean right either, but I have to tell myself it doesn't mean wrong!  

Joshua 1:6-9
"In the same way I was with Moses, I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Make sure you carry out The Revelation that Moses commanded you, every bit of it. Don’t get off track, either left or right, so as to make sure you get to where you’re going. And don’t for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you’ll get where you’re going; then you’ll succeed. Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.”
(The Message translation)


It's an honor to share time with you,

Honest Abi

A note:
The people I serve on leadership team are some of the best out there.  The story I shared is not to say that they were wrong and I was right.  Lots of people together can be right at the same time.  There is no one right side and one wrong side.  Life would be so much easier if that was true, wouldn't it?!?! And even in the feelings of being a lone ranger on a team, we're still on a team.  And that's beautiful.

Shaking Off a Foggy Heart

I am 2/3 the way through a large latte and 3/3 the way through a honey and fig scone.  It was one of those scones that got it right.  The dough was barely sweet and the figs brought that tiny granular texture....and I wish you had shared it with me.  I enjoy enjoying things!  You are one of those elements of life that I enjoy enjoying.  Know that you are enjoyed today.

Here's a question, do you know how to get to your heart?  Yesterday was day 5/5 of solo parenting while Zion was away.  Sometimes when he is gone, I am the least good at making space for my heart to surface.  Do you know what I mean?  Solo parenting is a mixed bag... there's more demand on your non-stop energy being poured out.  But there are also more gaps of space that are all yours.  The evenings for instance!  But, when he's gone it's either feast or famine for me.  Dude, I carry the main load of day-to-day parenting while he carries the load of providing financially for our family of Spencers.  BUT LET US NOT UNDERESTIMATE the impact and load lifter of Daddy coming home each night, chatting, rough housing, and the biggie: sharing bed time responsibilities with me. Reading one of them books and cuddling.  Oh, let us not underestimate that help!  So, sometimes when he's gone, I get to those moments by myself in the evening and I can't resist zoning out.

Mind you, zoning out is a KEY ELEMENT to the health and survival of motherhood.

But, zoning out breeds more zoning out for me.  Zoning out in moderate doses produces good fruit and health.  Zoning out continuously on my off-times produces a foggy heart.

What's that one....you know the one that says our heart is the source of life? Ahhhh yes there it is:

Proverbs 4:23
"Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life."

Foggy heart Abi leads to lost Abi.  Foggy heart Abi leads to 'huh? Abi.'  

And while that state of fogginess is a real feeling, it isn't really true.  The older I get, the more leery I am of living from my feelings as a trustworthy story-teller.  It's that odd paradox that avoided feelings lead to death but also, when we take our feelings to the bank as truth-tellers, well, dem lead to death too.

The foggier your heart becomes, the louder the story of your emotions becomes.  The louder the story, the easier it is to believe.

Emotions do tell us a story and by no means do I want to shut mine down.  But they can serve as an entry way back to Truth if we let ourselves become curious about them instead of being owned by them.

So, how do we get back to letting our hearts breathe?

A few ideas that we can give a shot, even on the craziest of days:

• Think/pray to yourself: "Come back to life heart."
• Note: reading that sentence on the screen is not the same thing as thinking it/praying it for your self.  In essence, you are saying to everything that has attached itself to your heart and clouded the way, to take a hike.  You are reconnecting with your heart and Him, by simply acknowledging it/Him. 

• THEN, get curious and watchful.  
• That's it.  Start listening for your heart.  It will feel things, and truth will start becoming louder.  You may not have time to deep dive into it.  So just make a note of it and come back to it, when you can.  

• Acknowledge the things you do to avoid your heart when you do have time for it to come out and play.
• And then commit to saying no to that avoiding thing, the next time you could say yes to it.  This is not permanently cutting out those things.  It is simply choosing your heart/Him over the thing that helps us hide in the one next opportunity you have.  

• Think to yourself, "Being kind and intentional with my heart is important."  
• Your heart is the wellspring of life.  It where His life pours into and out of.  It's very very important.  

Don't you wish we could sit and compare notes 48 hours from now???  If you want to send me any notes on your experiences, please DO IT!  I would love to hear!!!  

Cheers to our hearts, reader friends!

Much love,

Honest Abi

Before You Sleep Tonight...

Ernest Hemingway: "If a writer stops observing, he is finished. Experience is communicated by small details intimately observed." 

Julia Cameron: "Once writing becomes an act of listening, instead of an act of speech, a great deal of the ego goes out with it." 

Julia Cameron, in my own paraphrase: We are all writers.  

Good evening reader friend.  You are genuinely dear to me: your mind, your heart, your time, your spirit.

Let's observe for a moment.  Just take a deep breath and picture yourself slowing.  Let your brain slow.  Observing starts in the brain, moves down to the soul and then seeps into the spirit. 

When I say spirit, you have one.  Everyone does.  Having a spirit has nothing to do with whether or not you are a person of faith.  It is a part of who you are.  It's the layer and the place beneath your soul - and the soul is where emotion lives.  If the soul is where emotion lives, the spirit is where truth lives.  Where the truth of who you are lives.  If you are a person of faith, this is where the Teller of All Truth resides.  Indeed, that sounds bizarre.  But, faith does lead us beyond reason.  It leads us beyond.  

Take a few cleansing breaths.  And now listen. What's in the depth of you?  What does the deep feel? If it feels uncomfortable, it's normal.  Just stay there.  If you're not feeling anything, it's okay.  Ask God to help you connect.  

If you're like me, I get to that deep place and I look at her and observe both as her and as one outside of her.  I see her wrestle, I see her true joys, I see her questions, I see her weakness, I see her beauty.  I ask Him to help me see what He sees when He looks at her.  You can do the same.   Keep taking the deep breaths and will yourself not to run.  And now I say, come Lord Jesus.  You don't have to claim Christianity to try those words out.  What do we have to lose? Come Lord Jesus.  Come Truth. Come.  

And this is the place, the rooted place of depth, where the Truth is that 

You are protected.

You are loved.

You are known.

You are seen.

You are covered.

You are intricate on purpose.

There is a Helper.

He has the way forward.

It's okay to feel stuck.  You're not really stuck...but it's okay to feel it.

I am praying for you this evening.  Asking Him to touch the deep part of who you are.  The truest part of who you are - regardless of whether or not you know that part of yourself.  He does!  Asking Him to speak to the truest part of you...to let you hear the truth right now.  

Sleep in peace, my reader friend.  

Much love,

Honest Abi

Psalm 42:7 

Deep calls to deep at the [thundering] sound of Your waterfalls;

All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

The Question We Can All Ask

How's your day going??

I'll tell ya, I had no vision of sitting and writing this afternoon.  I am frankly on day five of a child with the flu, restless within the walls of this house, not looking cute or clean, and tempted to eat my way through anything chocolate available to me: Nutella hot chocolate, Ghirardelli chocolate chips by the handful, my husband's French Silk birthday pie in the fridge, the kids leftover Valentine's chocolates, oh the damage I am tempted to do when I'm in Nurse Mommy mode for more than 24 hours.  

But, out of nowhere, my heart burns for you today.  My theology is forming to re-articulate that as His heart is burning for you today.  

Wherever we are, whatever we are doing, let us stop.  

Stop the thoughts.  Stop the distractions.  Stop the mental to-doing.  Stop the voice of fear.  Stop the self-obsessed thoughts.  Stop it all for a moment.

And know this: 

You can have more.

More of what? Things? Power? Achievement? Approval? Acceptance?

Maybe.  No.  Yes.  

You can have more of the Living God.  

And, I don't think that there's much more to life than that when all is stripped away.  So many of us nod in our hearts - echoing agreement.  But, if that is true, then each of us should be stopped right where we are with the earth shattering reality of it.  

Pretend you haven't heard truth all your life.  Pretend this is the lightbulb moment, and you are hearing and believing for the first time ever that this is truth.  He is alive, He is at work and He is near and you can dive deep into life in Christ.  

But then, maybe this is the first time that the possibility of that feels real.  I wish I could look you straight in the eyes right now and tell you with every bit of energy that I have that you aren't crazy and this is real.

I don't care if you've been around the block one million times.  I don't care if you've sauntered around the block three quarters of one full time.  I don't care if you've only ever watched as others circled the darn block.  We can have more of the Living God.  

And how do we do that???

We ask Him.  

And that is the first step towards belief - to believe even enough to ask.  It sounds so simple and so inane.  And it sounds like something we all do, all of the time.  But when was the last time you were alone in a room and you said out loud, with your own voice, 'God, I want more of you.' 

The moment of vulnerability for many of us is His reply.  Will He give a lofty theological answer? Will we feel anything? Is He distant? Will everyone but me experience something?  Or worse - will it be silent?

I don't know what you'll feel.  I don't know where you've been.  I don't know your story.  But I am confident in what His heart is towards you.  Confident.  

This is the truth:

• He longs to be known.  He aches to share Himself with you.  He wants you to know Him.
• Jeremiah 9:24 "but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”
• He loves you. 
• Romans 8:37-39 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

He wants you to know Him.  If you already know Him, He wants you to know more of Him.  He longs for it.  

What if it's true? There's more.  

Message me on facebook if this resonates with you. 

Always,

Honest Abi

When Your Heart Says It's Tired

How are you today? Feeling good? Feeling 'I don't know?' Feeling rocked a bit?  All of that is normal. Isn't that nice to hear? Sometimes, all you need is to hear a voice other than your own say, 'you're normal.'  And it's true.  Whether you are flying high or you are walking through the shadows, it's a normal part of being alive and breathing.

The other day, I was walking and praying.  Praying is conversation/interaction with God... simple, with no rules.  On this particular day, conversations that I had been having with myself (can you relate?!) deep down finally busted up to my conscious thoughts.  Whoa! It's always a mix of shock and relief when those moments hit.  Honesty came tumbling out as I walked back and forth between my kitchen and living room.  The more the honesty came, the quicker my steps became.

I found myself saying rather loudly to Him, "I cannot do this.  My heart cannot do this.  My heart doesn't want to do this.  My heart is tired."

In one swift moment, Truth rushed to my heart and ears.  "Oh, yes you can."

I stopped talking, ears perked.

Quiet now.

There was a firmness to the truth.  A strong hand to it.  Not harsh, but strong.  As if His tone was to say, 'Feelings are indicators but they are not truth. Hear the truth now and run, little girl.  Run.'

And the truth kept tumbling out:

"Oh yes, Abi, yes you can keep going.  Because your heart doesn't have to be strong.... I AM YOUR HEART.  I am the life within your heart.  Do not say, my heart cannot do this because you are right. Your heart absolutely cannot do this and it doesn't have to.  My heart is your heart.  You are IN CHRIST.  A new creation.  You are new.  You are not you.  I am you.  You are me.  I am your heart muscle.  I am the blood pumping through it.  I am the strength of your heart.  I am life.  I am not fatigued.  I am alive and I am the strong heart that carries every bit of weariness you feel in your heart.  I swallow your weariness in my strength.  I AM NOT WEARY.  And this, my heart, is yours. So it is yours to claim.  Yours to wear.  Yours to believe.  Yours to feel.  Yours."

Put your name where mine is.  Take it for your own!

Immediately Psalm 73:26 started rolling through my mind, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. "  HE is the strength of my heart!  

What else can I possibly add to that?!  

He has a strong heart, and He gave it and keeps giving it to us.  Dang.  If that doesn't change the lighting in the room, I don't know what does!

Carry on my strong friends!  

Sincerely,

Honest and Strong Hearted Abi

.....who got tired of trying to take a selfie making my face look like I would if we were sitting face to face and talking about this.  Executing that was above my pay grade :).  I would probably smile at some point, so here's a smile today - from me straight to your heart.  

Truth Telling at Valentine's

Hello, you.

Happy Sunday evening to you....and if you're reading later, by all means, happy this very moment to you.  And happy almost Valentine's Day!

I happen to love heart day.  But, I don't really care who you are, this holiday is fraught with opportunity for the blues.  Whether you are the in love up to your eyeballs type, the 'what love?' type, the bye bye social media 'till it's over type, or the 'meh' type, Valentine's Day can give anyone heartburn.

It just happens to be a time when a slew of messages are hurled at you and before you know it, out of nowhere, you're in a funk.

So, let's practice some truth telling.  Get ahead of the storm and focus on truths instead of traps.  Try focusing here instead of on the lack - whether it's a lack of a person, the lack of performance on a person's part, or anything else we can come up with.  There's really only one love that is perfect. Every other version is human and therefore flawed. Here's the truth:

• I am loved beyond anything I can even imagine.
• Luke 22:19 "And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, 'This is my body, which is GIVEN for you.  Do this in remembrance of me.' "

• I am seen and known.
• Jeremiah 1:5 "...Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...."

• His love for me is the MOST dependable thing in my world.
• Psalm 139:11 "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him."

• I don't have to be perfect to be loved.
• 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' "

• I am protected 
• Psalm 91:14 "Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name."

• I am loved
• Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through water you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

• I am loved
• Romans 5:8 "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

• I am loved
• Psalm 103:8 "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."

And that's just the beginning of telling ourselves the truth instead of falling into traps.  You know what we can do with lists like these?  Print them off and go a little crazy-town and start walking around your house or room and saying the statements and Scriptures over yourself.  Go to war a little! Because the truth is that you are loved beyond your wildest imagination.  You are known beyond your ability to know.  You are safe beyond any capacity you have to protect yourself.  Oh man, oh man...this can be a great week if we know the truth.  

Love y'all,

Honest Abi

P.S. This is my 'go a little crazy-town' and start telling yourself the truth face.  Can't you feel it? :)

Here's What I think You Should Do

I've been pursuing audacity.  I think that title is fairly audacious, don't you?  I am reticent to say big, bold words that express one directive...but I guess here I am doing just that.  Progress.

Side note: I am listening to the free 48-hour stream of Brian and Jenn Johnson's new album After All These Years......oh boy.  Worth the purchase when it's available.

But here we are, you and me.  I like to think of these moments as sacred because I believe He can be with us together even if we are on different sides of a screen.  The words I let my eyes read are sacred.  I try not to read too much 'you should' stuff unless I feel momentum behind it.  Otherwise we are all scrambling and frantic in the head with our internal lists of must-do-self-improvements: senseless noise.

But I do have one thing I think you should do:

Find out who you are.

If you have chosen to believe that the Gospel is real and it is for you, then you are His.  First answer layer of the answer.  But there is more.

Most of us believe that there are things we were created to do.  Roles we were created to fill.  Art we were create to create.  Work we were created to put our hands to.  And it is possible to do the top layers of those things without truly having an answer to the question 'who are you?'.

So, Christian isn't enough.  Mom isn't enough.  Wife isn't enough.  Accountant isn't enough.  Doctor isn't enough.  Teacher isn't enough.  They are all worthy but they are all facets of what He calls you to.  They do not answer - who are you.

What I am saying is that He is THE CREATOR.  THE Creator.  The Author of all creation.  I believe that.  So don't dumb down His creation in you by simplifying it.

Have you heard people say, 'what you do is not who you are.'?  Me too.  One of my pet peeves is big concept phrases with no discussion about the gritty of how.  It's a concept that rings true....but dangit if that isn't a tough one to apply.

The truth is that when we have even beginning answers to who we were created to be, the way we do the work in front of us changes.  Whether it be a sole focus on raising children, leading an organization, teaching a group of people, spinning pottery, writing words for others to read, or giving medical care to those who come to the E.R., pursue the answer my friends.  Who are you?

I can't give you a step-by-step path to walk.  OH HOW I WISH I COULD!  Could someone send that my way?!

But what I can tell you is what I do know: it requires an uncomfortable amount of quietness.  If you want to start the pursuit of the Answer, start pushing noise out of your soul.  Because who you are and who you are meant to be - it's an answer that's already been woven into you.  The answer isn't going to be created, it already exists.  The words have already been spoken.  You can probably sense its presence.  It's a matter of being quiet enough to see it and hear it.

So, what is between your big conscious thoughts and the Truth that is woven into the deepest part of you?

Noise.

And what is the biggest source of noise between the head and the heart?

Fear.

So, quietness in a place that allows layers of fear, doubt, other's voices and paths that you are nearly addicted to comparing yourself to, untruths you believe to be peeled back and off.  He does very good work.  He knows exactly where the answer is and He knows how to get you there.

You are art.  You are intricate.  You are woven together wonderfully.  You are a creation.  You're not more special than any other creation....but you're certainly not simple.

Deep breath in and out.  There is tension in this isn't it?  It is beautiful but it is tense.  This pursuit of truth requires you to acknowledge layers between the head and the heart that are easier left tucked away.  Who, in their right mind, wants to sit in the same (small) room with their fears? Only those who are ready enough to let them come up so that freedom and healing can come.

He is much much better and getting you to the place of answers than I am.

But, here are some questions that you can ask that will at least help you climb the ladder....walk to the edge and feel your toes curl over the end of the diving board.  He alone can lure you off the board and into the water.

Questions:

• Do I know how to be quiet with myself and with you?
• Can you show me practical ways to be quiet with you?
• What things are creating noise that distract my ears? (It's often not big bad things, but good things)
• Would you lead me in this?  Would You show me who I am?  Show me how to pursue.  

I'm in it with you!  My heart soars at the thought of you and me opening up to Him in brand new ways!  

And so, that's what I think you should do.  I really do.

Much love,

Honest Abi and my just-do-it-face

A Note for January 1

The week between Christmas and New Year is one of my very favorites of the year.  Sometimes the 26th....or even about 3pm on the 25th...brings a little slump as the gifts have been unwrapped, the prime rib has been engulfed, and the candles on the cake have been blown out and the delicious Italian Cream Cake underneath those candles has been devoured, and well - it's simply over.  Over.  The over-ness slump has become a shorter and shorter one for me over the years.  Because something else starts stirring!  I'm reading a book right now that is so so so dang good and here's one little line that couldn't be more true: "...here's the thing about despair: It overtakes the place meant for hope.  It steals the belief that healing is possible." (Rebekah Lyons, You Are Free)

And hope is what starts stirring as January 1 inches closer to our present instead of our future.

Hope for what may come.  Hope for what is happening.  Hope for the wonder of beginning to see what the next chapter will hold.  Hope for Him.  It's exciting.

It's exciting even when we feel like we are limping over the finish line of 2016.  That's how I feel this year.  I feel like He's turned my world upside down and he's bringing healing to things that, frankly, I didn't see as areas that needed that much attention.  Ha!  Ain't that a kicker!

I rather like leaping and bounding over the finish line of one year and into the race track of the next. I went through a few years of loving to run.  My longest races were two half marathons and, by far, my favorite part about running was the end of the race.  When your muscles are fatigued and worn and every little voice screams 'this is too much' as your near the finish line..... and you contemplate walking instead of running over that dang line.  But then.  Something rises over all of that.  My eyes would lock in on that line and from somewhere a sprint would take over my legs and my arms would pump harder pulling my body to run faster than I had the entire race.  Now that's good.

This year, I'm definitely walking rather than sprinting over the line.  But even typing those words, brings a smile because it is okay to just get over the line!  Sometimes, weakness is a gift. Sometimes, it realigns perspective.  Sometimes, it reminds me that success in life and in Him is not born from my feelings of strength.  Feelings of strength are often mistaken for strength.  Strength is deeper than what feelings tell us.

To me, the connection between strength and hope is undeniable.

And that makes me wonder, do you feel hope?

It's okay to be honest about feeling despair.  It's important to be honest about what we feel.  It's the starting point, after all!  But keep this in mind....despair and hope contend for the same spot.  The same spot!  And there are times that hope feels out of reach.  It feels like having hope would require more faith than is available to us at the moment.  My friend, that's a good time to ask Him for help to hope.  A simple plea, a simple call for rescue.

So know that I'm thinking over you as we approach January 1 and the beginning of new.  The cold and clear air a picture to us that He really does make all things new.  He is the changer.  He is the One who moves swiftly when the time is right.  He is the holder of everything that we need.  He is trustworthy.

As you read today, may you be filled with hope.  May you be filled with hope.  It doesn't matter if we are leaping and bounding or if we are slowly walking over the line of one year into the next....He is hope.  My prayer is that all despair loses its grip and that hope floods in, in its place.

Much much love and happy New Year!

Honest Abi and her honest chin...and its honest companion, The Christmas Cold Sore

The Wrestle and the Recovery

What could be more Christmas-y than writing about wrestling and recovering? Precisely: so many many things.  But, whether you wrestle on a tiny scale or an obese scale, I bet there are many of us who find ourselves wrestling in December.  And maybe wrestling with the fact that we are wrestling in December.  HA!

It is good to wrestle.  Yes it is.  When the wrestle comes up for us, we can either make a side-step and avoid it, or we can engage, go deep and walk through it.  Who am I kidding? Walking is far too positive of a word! More like tremor/slather/stumble/army crawl/eek through it.  But, the deception in the side-step is the belief that we can escape it.  To side-step it is a delay and not an escape.

Some straight forward words: I hope that there are people who read these words that aren't like me.  I hope that friends or acquaintances I have that do not share my faith in God are reading and processing with me.  And so, on the hope that that is you... I must say that being 'saved' by Him has not been a one time occurrence in my life.  I have desperately needed to be rescued from myself time after time.  But, I have seen Him, felt Him break into my story and rescue me....save me.  I have lived it.  He rescues me.  And once again, I am taken away at how He has rescued me.  I have needed Him to pull me out of the crazy in my head and HE HAS.  Christians can be crazy in da head.  Christians need to be re-rescued often.

Onward.

So, there is no one more relieved to be checking in from the upswing out of the pit of a wrestling phase than this girl right here.  Re-la-la-la-la-lieved.

When you come out of something intense, you is tired.  Real tired.  And what I wanted to dive into a bit was the space of time right after the wrestle.

And when you're tired, prayers are simple:

'What now God?'

And then so clearly and so consistently He has invited me:

'Come recover in Me.'

It made me pause...the word recover.  Frankly, my natural instinct is to brush myself off, get up, and walk (quickly) away from the scene.  As if it never happened.  I mean, I want to get the good out of it and not forget it.  But, I'd sure like to look as if it never happened.  No sweaty brow, no shaking muscles, no weariness.

But the invitation to recover is not very unclear, now is it?

So as I've moved through recovery, and still am doing so, I've asked Him what that looks like.  How do we recover with Him?  Recovery can be necessary after the smallest wrestle.  After a tough day.  After a difficult run-in.  Recovery need not be saved only for the 'big stuff.'  What if He's inviting you to do the same? Come recover with me....

There are a few things that I know about recovery and much of it mirrors recovery in a physical sense.

1. SLEEP.  Not spiritual slumber....dude, go get a good night of sleep.  Let that rise to top priority.  Has one too many Netflix shows caused you to stay up too late to get a full night of sleep? Catching up on the list of to-dos that didn't get done while you were a bit down? For a bit, sleep needs to be seen as one of the most productive things you can do.  I'm not talking about sleeping the days away.  I'm talking about doing the things in your power to get consistent full nights of sleep.  Allow your body to restore and recalibrate....which impacts everything else.

Hebrews 4:9-11 The Message Translation
"The promise of 'arrival' and 'rest' is still there for God’s people. God himself is at rest. And at the end of the journey we’ll surely rest with God. So let’s keep at it and eventually arrive at the place of rest..."

2. QUIET. Just as if you were side lined from an injury and were forced to let your body recover.... let some things stop that keep the brain busy.  Create some quiet.  He most definitely is right there with you in the wake of the wrestle.  And He wants to process with you...not you on your own trying to figure it all out.  Will He speak? Oh yes, my friend.  He wants to put the puzzle pieces together with you...to help you make the connections....to pull you up so you can see the wrestle from higher up with perspective.  Make some consistent spaces to be quiet with Him and see what happens.

3.  EAT.  What we take in, impacts recovery.  So - let truth and wisdom in.  And that means, seek it out.  Seek out the people who have it.  Read Truth.  Plant yourself in the Psalms if you need a starting point.  This is personal to me...but I find it important to guard the atmosphere around me when I'm recovering.  It's not a time to watch/read/listen to dysfunctional story lines.  Even if it's artistic and well-written or deliciously composed.  Even if the stable you can handle it, the recovering you shouldn't need to handle it.  Take in things that stir up beauty, inspiration, love and truth in you.

Recovery: sleeping, quiet and eating.  It can be challenging in a month like December, but it is possible.

He's in the recovery just as much as He's in the wrestle.  Take it to the bank.

Oh friend! What a journey we get to walk! It takes my breath away and blasts air under my wings all at the same time.

See that dark side strand/chunk of hair on my right cheek?  The one bending by my nose and then sticking straight out?  Yes, that's because it's sticking straight out due to dire need of a good wash.  Tomorrow morning, it's on.  Recovery = dirty hair = but recovery hair has had its last day.  There's only so far dry shampoo can take ya, am I right?

Mucho love,

Honest Abi

Honesty: When The Wrestle Ain't Over

Every time I write something in December, I feel it ought to be something regarding Christmas, Advent, cookies, memories, gifts, peace: you fill in the blank.  I did actually do it once and I still like it! I don't have it this year, yo.  Don't have it.  Maybe on Christmas Eve.  Maybe the beautiful writing that stirs the Christmas heart will hit me then.  

My last post was gritty. But it was truthful....and may I say, I am a glass half-full girl.  I like that full lens....I like joy. I like rising up. I like wrestling forward.  Progress.  So, when two weeks later, ya still wrasslin, well shoot.  It throws me for a loop to not be upright and on top of all of it.  Instead, I feel like I keep grasping for stability.  Do you ever feel that way?

A few brief thoughts: What the what?

It's seasons like this that make me ask aggressive questions of God.  My big girl voice comes out, honesty breaks in and my prayers sound like heated discussions. "WHAT am I supposed to do? No, I am actually serious here, Sir.  I need you, here, now, and I need to know what to do." And then the verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9 pops into my mind:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

You think to yourself once again, what the what?!?!  Sometimes it's all confounding. I love the thought of His grace being sufficient for me and His power being made perfect in my weakness.  But when you're in the spin of the wrestle, or at least when I am in the spin of the wrestle, lovely thoughts do little for me.  They irritate me.  I get very practical when I'm in the fight.  Practical and real pave the way for inspiration and beauty to come running back.  

So, what does it mean for Your power to be made perfect in my weakness? Some translations say, He is strong when I am weak.  I decided to pull up The Message.  Sometimes the total rephrasing helps me understand the point being made:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 The Message:

7-10 "Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

It's that sentence after 'My strength comes into its own in your weakness' that gets me.  The 'once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.'  AHA!  There is something I can doooooooooooo. It's not all about feeling it - it's not just that the fact is true that His strength comes into fullness when I am weak.  It's that it is true and I let it happen. Puzzle piece.  Next thought: how do I let it happen?

No solid answers.  Only guesses.  I think it has something to do with letting Him take over.  Letting go of the time table.  "Ahem, Darling Lord, let's get the thing done.  Let's wrap 'er up!"  So, cut that concept out of the picture: objective of quick resolve gone.  Apparently, there is more wrestle to do so who am I to say, 'we've had enough fun'?  And in that, 90% of the battle is simply acknowledging that it's happening.  I'm so glass-full that my natural instinct is to see the beautiful fall leaves, adore the fatty ruby red sparkling balls on my Christmas tree, delight in my morning latte, gaze into the sets of gorgeous blue eyes my sons both have, and go on my merry little way.  As I type those things, of course, the answer is not stop seeing beauty and receiving love through the simple things He puts in my path.  But, to the point that I allow those things to aid me in effectively burying my head in the sand and pretending we're done with the wrestle, it prolongs said wrestle.  I would rather pretend it is not happening! Lalalalalalalalalalala.......So, one thing I have started doing is adding some words to my conversations with Him that go a little something like this:

"I appreciate what You are doing in me, Jesus.  I honor it.  I thank you for helping me to wrestle through this.  Help me to be weak when I want to pretend I'm not.  Help me to not hide from what You are doing. I declare over myself that I WILL get to the other side and that I will not circle this mountain endlessly.  By your grace, I will get what You want me to learn.  I won't quit because you are with me.  I won't be afraid of the wrestle."

And I'm going to tell ya, when you pray those words, the fight comes up.  Dagnabbit, yeah! I am not going to wrestle endlessly.  Huh-uh.  Oh we are going to do this thing.  Who wants to walk around a mountain for 40 years? NOT THIS GIRL.  So, even if I don't feel like I'm making a lot of progress, I pray over myself and say that I will get what the Lord wants out of it.  

So, here I sit, the girl in the wrestle.  Don't have the exact language for it yet, looking forward to the other side, but refusing to jump ship because conflict is uncomfortable.  

Even if I like to pout about it sometimes.

Are you wrestling?  Perhaps we should meet for coffee and swap sob stories.  It will be a real good time. Ha!

Much love,

Honest Abi

Words from the Dirt: When You've Face Planted....Again

Doing stuff is hard.  It's hard for me, at least.  Some arenas of 'stuff' flow out of me like music and seem to get done in a flow of motion that does require effort but ease accompanies it.  That stuff is just as significant as the stuff that comes out of you only by surrendering to the process of pain.  Stuff coming out of you and stuff coming out of me matters.  Whether you feel like you are producing significance within the walls of your life or not, you are.  I am.

That is because He is always producing.  And He is in you.  I guess that's a theological question we have to ponder first.  Do you believe He is in you? Christ in me.  If I do, then the issue of significance has to first be checked against His existence and His nature.  If He is alive, moving, breathing, creating AND He is in me....then I am alive, moving, breathing, creating.  You can let anything that feels otherwise inside of you take a hike.  There is a time for all things.  There is a time to listen intently to the feelings and there is a time to bind them up - acknowledge that the story they are telling you is a lie - and move the blank on.

Recently my face has been in the dirt.  Like a movie scene where two people are fighting and the seemingly stronger opponent, in a swift move, shoves the other's face down to the ground.  The grounded one tastes the dirt, feels the immense pressure, senses the weight of anti-momentum, and for a moment relishes the relief of giving up.

In my story, it all freaking centers around the release of words.  Who knew the amount of drama and resistance writing would stir up?  Not I.  It's a journey I've been in for about two years.  Sisters and brothers - all this wrestle is around writing for me.  If that doesn't stir up a good eye roll in you, I'm not sure what will.  Unless of course, you've wrestled to step into something that calls your name as well.  Something that calls your name but requires you to face your demons, to look your fears in the eye and wrestle them.  He is a wrestler, it turns out.  He has no fear of the wrestle.  Huh.  So unlike me.

Your life is a story.  My life is a story.  And there are two writers who would like to pen the story. One is ultimate truth which leads to a freedom that feels like the brightest air in your lungs.  The other is the one who wants oppression for you - from the time you're little until the time you're done.

Over the two years I've been invited to journey into the land of wrestle, so much has been won as I've surrendered to the wrestle.  I am not the same Abi.  THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!! Truly.  But in the journey, there are layers of the process.  He takes you through one layer, He wins the wrestle with you and for you and in you, and then He lets you rest.  Then comes the next layer.  And somehow the next layer always shocks me.  Errr single time.  Shocked Abi.  Maybe I should look into that domain name.

So the next layer of wrestle found me and here I've been....face in the dirt.  There's something about repeatedly tasting dirt.  It's both strength building and disarmingly scary.  Scary because the vulnerability you feel seems louder and stronger each time.  Your walls are thinner and weaker...which is ultimately good.  But you feel the throw down to the ground more acutely.  And the thought that rains down on you is, 'I'm not sure strength will win this time. Perhaps this is the time my weaknesses, my gaps, my familiar and crippling untrue beliefs will have the final say.' Here's the wrestle.  This is the ground at stake, isn't it?

But we do not wrestle alone.

As much as I care about this ground and these questions...HE is ardent about them.  What? Doesn't that make your mind hurt as you try to comprehend it? How could He possibly care more than I do? How could He be more concerned about the outcome of the journey than I am? But He shows His ardent care by provoking the wrestle when it's time.  Head scratcher.  He cares enough to get me one layer closer to conclusion.  If He were to snap His all-creating fingers and pop me over the wrestle to the other side....I would have no muscle, skill or capacity to carrying the new Abi.  It would be like someone gave me finely crafted, totally customized armor to wear....but I had never worn armor.  It's heavy.  It's essential for the other side, this armor.  It's what enables us to thrive and survive the new land but you have to have the muscle mass to not be taken down by the weight of the armor.  You have to train to fight.

I try to listen hard when my face is in the dirt.  Because He is always faithful to send me voices of truth.  This week, Carol told me to create from the place of brokenness...to lead from weakness and a broken-heart moment...that it would be the thing that caused huge waves.  I hadn't told her the depth of my face-in-the-dirtedness.  Zion looked me firmly in the eyes and told me he believed in me.  That I would break through and that I was almost there.  He let me borrow his belief.  And then He whispers over me.  This time I felt Him inviting me to embrace the darkness and the brokenness....to move forward while being face planted.  So here we are.  Exposing the fragility without shame. Welcoming the wrestle and the feelings of weakness and saying - let's allow this to produce something instead of letting it tell me its endless story of oppression.

Weakness and brokenness can be the open doors to truth.  They don't have to hold us down with a label of being stuck.  They can simply be part of the wrestle and part of being human and part of overcoming.

Thank you for reading.














Much love,

Honest Abi

That Woman: No Rules Attached

Hello!!!

My heart is bursting to chat it up with you! I hope your day is going well.  Virtual warm and genuine hug to you right now!

Womanhood calls my friends.  My heart yearns to learn what matters.  I yearn to be a woman that learns, that is both humble and bold, who nurtures life, who acts swiftly when the time comes, who sees people for who they really are, who is audacious, who is soft, who is strong, who is rooted in Him, who laughs without trying to hide my cackle, and who lives all that He has for me and through me.

One thing today: the relationship between rules and obedience.

When we talk of womanhood, I have no vision to write a guide for every woman everywhere.  I ardently want to dig into the well of womanhood as it relates to living though.  I want to LIVE the most alive and feeling life available to me....and that beckons me to draw so close to Him that I pause and hear the flutter of his wings covering me.  His covering - where both strength and weakness are stirred in me.

Rules and obedience.

I just turned 35.  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!  And 'oh my' all at once.  So far, I can say this of life: He is MOST certainly One of seasons.  He ushers me, and us, in and out.  Sometimes quickly and sometimes not nearly as quickly as we would like.  But seasons and change and revolving areas of focus are inescapable.

One thing that yields beauty and strength and life in womanhood? The ability to change.  To feel the wind change directions and turn to face its new rushing path.

One of the things that can make that turn difficult? Taking what was obedience in one season....turning it into a rule....and attempting to apply that rule in the now season. Stumble, trip, stumble, trip, stumble, trip.  I think I got that from We're Going on a Bear Hunt...smiles.

But can you relate?  It's so challenging to let go of something that was sacred and obedient and fought for in one season and see that become a clunky mess in the next season.  One big head scratching 'huh?!'  Frankly, it frustrates me to no end at times.  I love the things He teaches me.  I honor them.  I cherish the victories we've won together.  But I also love rules.  First born child to a T! And if left to my lonesome, I can create and adore a rule like few others.  Rules feel good to me.  They are like rail road tracks that my engine can fly on.

And to be sure, rules can be beautiful.  But the more I resist the desire to make a rule out of today's obedience, the more easily I can shift when He stirs.  And the more I let others embrace their obedience as obedience instead of a rule or a standard of how they will always be, the more I can freely allow them to shift with Him as well.

I'm in the book of Daniel right now.... This bit grabbed my heart this morning:

"Blessed be the name of God forever and ever, to whom belong wisdom and might. He changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding; he reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with him." Daniel 2:20-22

He is good and He is stable and He is a sure foundation...but He changes times and seasons and though that may feel unstable, it is the the nature of moving forward and further.

So, my friend, I honor the exact point He has you at

in womanhood.  Or manhood!  I want to say to you...don't give up.  He will meet you in your pursuit.  He is real.  He's not an idea. And He is with you on the road.  Though He changes our seasons, He will never leave us as the change occurs.

All my love on this Tuesday in October!
Abi

I saw this couple in Rome.  I just liked her so I'm leaving this shot with you.  Because I liked her...what do you think she's telling him?


P.S.  I wanted to give a shout out to Zion Spencer.  He lets me change and grow and it breathes life into the places inside of me that are scared to change.  Maybe I can be a little bit of Zion for you today...you can do this season change; you really can.

That Woman, Part 2

I don't seem to be able to pull off the nicely packaged blog posts.  The ones with a funny beginning, intriguing middle, and pull it all together end.  I love those!  It's so nice when it feels like I'm in class and what I'm reading is just exactly what I need to be learning and the one teaching me has got her act together.  It makes it easy to trust her...she's prepared and she has honed this thing, baby.  So far, that vibe seems to elude me.  Ha!

I cannot resist the urge to transparently blurb out my wrestle and my fumble as I crank these words out.  But I hope I get better at that.  Preparation would likely make the difference, don't you think?? So you bear with me so kindly as you patiently read my ramble until I get into some words that are the real deal.  That's what makes you such a jewel: you bear with me in the process of becoming.  I only hope I offer that same space to you.

Two and a half weeks since my last post.  Let's see, how many times have I regretted opening the topic of womanhood up? So many times.  Lost count.  The thoughts go something like this: Where do I start? Where do I start? Where do I start?  What do I think? What do I think? What do I think? What are you saying, Father? What are you saying, Father? What are you saying, Father? What is that thing I feel? What is that thing I feel? What is that thing I feel?  WHY did I choose something as big as the ocean?????

The topic continues to stir around for me so here we still are together. And I remind myself that you aren't reading these words because you're looking for an expert, or for one specific answer, and that, ahem, I can lighten up! Lightening up seems to be a key for me in life :).  More than positioning myself as a teacher/expert - you know what would make my heart burst? Being a part of you taking the next step forward that He has for you.  Being a voice that urges you forward and further into Truth.  He is fully capable of getting each of us to the end-goal all on His own.  So, if I can be a friend along the way that cheers loudly enough to make putting the foot down on the next place He has for your foot as little easier, then I will do my happy dance.  It's the same dance I do for Liam when he can say his Scripture verse for school without any cues from me....it's silly, it's wild and it's loud!

Thank you for your transparent and generous responses to the questions I asked in the last post!!! I was a little blown away at how much time you gave to answer fully.  Each answer pushed me further into intrigue.  And it affirmed that womanhood is indeed a beautiful mountain worth ascending and digging into.

I'm going to work my way into pondering your answers.  They have been tucked away but bits and pieces of them keep popping back into my thoughts.  For today, I thought I'd try answering them myself.  It's my next step, hehe!

Let's see:

What is the thing that trips you up the most in womanhood?
Just one?! Seeing pictures of or catching a glimpse my naturally occurring double chin. Here's the pic. 

Honestly, I couldn't capture it in its full glory.  But I was getting embarrassed of taking selfies in the coffee shop. 

Is a double chin the worst thing in womanhood? Nah. But does it trip me up? Uh huh.   

On a more meaningful note, one thing that consistently trips me up as a woman, as a person, is encountering anyone who is doing something differently than I am.  And, that's a lot of tripping up obviously.  The small differences don't mess with me so much...it's more the big things that put me on a different road than someone I care about.  Doing anything differently than my mom (Do you know her??? She's great and worthy of modeling after)....choosing a different school for my kids than my neighbor, my dear friends...adhering to different parenting philosophies than my friends do....spending money differently than others do....you get the idea.

What is one of your dreams as it relates to being the woman you were created to be?
I dream of being brave and I dream of not having the strong urge to run and hide when I think about that woman He is calling me.  Cue 'Oceans.'  Cue 'You Make Me Brave.'  

What is something you tend to admire in other women, again and again?
I admire women who aren't afraid to look other women in the eyes.  I admire women who have tackled jealousy - those who have much but sit right down for a deep conversation with one who has little.  And the one who has meager posessions but confidently steps into the life of the one who has much - knowing that she carries the Author of All in her.  I admire women who are old in years but keep letting the Lord teach them and who keep being changed by His love.  That's a complex thing.  

What has God taught you about womanhood?
Ahhhhhh here's the digging question.  You guys had some beautiful responses.  I'm going to try freeflowing my thoughts: He's taught me that womanhood has nothing to do with weakness and instead it requires a very complex strength.  And He's taught me that sometimes weakness is the doorway to true strength.  He's taught me that women are forged in the valleys and that the valleys are not always worth my fight against them.  He's taught me that my husband is a contributor to my sense of womanhood...but this path is one that only God and I can walk together.  It's a journey for the two of us and sometimes He uses him to speak into it or encourage it or provide a stumble here or there...but it's really work that can only be done between Him and me.  He's been teaching me about physical beauty and the role it plays in womanhood.  I hear voice after voice saying that our physical beauty is not our worth, our measure or our identity.  All true.  But we're missing something.  Very much chewing on that one.


I'm going to keep delving.....keep delving with me!

Love,
Abi (and Melissa, Carrie, Connie, Gina, Kim, Lindsay, Rusty, Jillian, Summer, Amanda, and Lauren)

That Woman

You know what I do when opening this page up and writing feels too scary to face? It's a little trick I learned from Julia Cameron...author of The Artist's Way.  I talk to myself like I am a little three year old: "It's okay Abi!  Let's just have fuuuuun! Oh look you opened the page - that's GREAT!  Now what does having fun feel like to you?  Words are fun and talking is fun!  Let's have fun."

I encourage the heck out of my little self over the least step forward and it brings a smile to my face.  And it works!

Thank you for reading my last post.  I think that's been one of the biggest, scariest gremlins in my thoughts: not wanting to waste people's time.  There's a blogger everywhere we look.  There's a helpful article at every click of the mouse.  There's a funny post to go with each day of the week. And in the spiritual space, there are 'good' pieces of spiritual advice/encouragement a plenty.  Enough to keep us reading from the time we wake up until we hit the pillow at night.  Do you take yourself seriously?  I take myself seriously some days and others I feel like I'm the world's biggest joke on two legs.  Of course that's an exaggeration but I know you can relate.  It's that voice that tells you 'Ha! You want to take up people's time?! Like an expert or something??  Like a writer or something?! Ha!'

That voice and its darn 'ha!'.  Well, 'ha!' to you voice.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Do you hear me cackling?  Because that's what I am doing right in your face voice: laughing and laughing and laughing.  I'm not an expert!  I'm not a writer!  But maybe I'm on my way.  And the thought of it makes my heart lurch forward....so I'm going to follow the lurch instead of your critical voicy self.

Having said all of that, it really does mean something to me that you read the last post.  Your time is a gift.  Your ears and your heart are an honor.  You were made with such craftsmanship and such exacting design by a Creator who values you more than you can wrap your mind around.  You have immense value to Him....so the fact that you gave me your time is humbling.  And thrilling!  And very humbling.

Last time I mentioned that I'm paying attention to the deep thinking.  It seems like that is the place in us that He is present and He is at work.  Sure, He springs big and quick thoughts into our blatant path, too.  But the low and rumbling part of you where thinking and being and listening blend together - that seems like the spot we can take a step back from and observe what He is doing in us....if we want to.  Sometimes I don't want to!  But often it's well worth the time and journey.

Out of all the things I listed that I've been deep thinking about, the one that has swirled the most since then is this topic of womanhood.  What a mountain.  As I've pondered, my thoughts have been trying to gravitate towards a top ten list.  Like what are the top ten things a woman should be.  What are the top ten things that make a woman great.  What are the top ten things that make womanhood womanhood.  Gag.  First, gag because I don't have such lists.  And don't lists feel dead?  Like 'do these ten things to achieve awesome in womanhood.'

I know some amazing women though.  Whew.  I can't think of a single one who is the total package because, uh I know them!  I know their imperfections.  But the areas of beauty and strength in womanhood that shine through their imperfections make the strengths even more powerful.  I'm going to attempt a deep sea dive into this arena and I'm wondering if you would help me.  I want to host conversations with some of the women who have caught my eye and focus in on the strengths they display that are whoa level.  Would you have a conversation with me about this?  Don't feel the need to comment publicly if you'd rather whisper your short thought to me.  Just message me.

I'd like to know:

What is the thing that trips you up the most in womanhood?
What is one of your dreams as it relates to being the woman you were created to be?
What is something you tend to admire in other women, again and again?
What has God taught you about womanhood?

I REALLY TRULY ACTUALLY would love to have your help.  This isn't a huge incentive, but if you contribute, I'll list you with me when I sign my 'Love, Abi' at the end.  But I won't indicate what part you played so as to keep it safe for your honesty.

To be a woman is something so beautiful.  It can be painful.  But that's what makes Salvation, Salvation. Saving from pain...sometimes the saving comes through the pain so that the pain ceases to be our identity and instead it's a badge of beauty that opens up story after story. I am so excited to delve in.  Delve with me.

Love,
Abi (See right here!  Your name could be right here!)

The Clunky One

Hi.  When I think of the fact that multiple people may read this everything goes wonky for me.  So instead, I pretend that it's just us here.  You and me.

And it's been quite a while since I've pulled up this chair and clacked away at these keys.  I took such a nice/long/productive/complicated/wrestling wrapped/hard/delightful break from blogging.  At some point, maybe I'll write you a saga of the ups and the downs...the ins and the outs.  Wrestling is one of the most intimate sports, I've decided :).  But for now, it's Tuesday afternoon, my two little men are with my rock star parents, and I'm drinking.  A little iced latte heeeeeeey!  And my fingers want to type and not think and not edit and smile and then push publish and be foot loose and fancy free.

I'm turning 35 in October.  That is sobering and exhilarating all in one......I've been thinking about what I want for my birthday.  I think I like birthday gifts more and more the older I get - a perk. Thinking lamps, thinking photography, thinking flannel shirts, thinking booties, and thinking of things that delight.  What would be on your birthday list if you just came up with things that would delight???  In some ways, I feel sexier at 35 than I did at 25.  No - I definitely do.  Even though the bod looks different, the brow has a nice layering of straight horizontal lines and my eyebrows are working on a permawrinkle where I knit them together in focus... I feel sexier.  My mom only gets more stylish with each year so I'm just kind of taking that as my legacy, ha!  WHY NOT?!  I tell you what, there have been many many many days in these slump years of having babies when my mom has looked way way way better than me.  She's got it going on.  I like it :)

So here's what I'm going to do.  You should do it too.  I'm going to just free flow write about the things that have been on my heart.  These are the things that I'm starting to delve into and wrestle out and these are the things that are driving my fingers to click away again.  So when I say you should do it too, I mean, you should do this too.  What have you been thinking about lately?  You know....at that level deep down that actually takes you time to connect to.  The rumbling and wrestling fields of your truest self.  Pull those things up my friend!

Voila:
1. Womanhood.  Womanhood.  Princess Diana, beauty, Viola Davis, is there a definition of womanhood that we should attain to, if it is true that God is neither male nor female and that we are ALL created in His image...what parts of my femaleness are direct reflections of Him, what is a strong woman, I know a lot of strong women and I'd love to highlight pieces of many of them, what is it about Princess Diana that has mesmerized me since I was six years old, we know that comparison is a thief but HOW do we get freedom from that?, really how?, I'm talking very very practical steps, what does womanhood look like in marriage, what does womanhood look like in not-married life, what would I tell my college friends that they should fix their eyes on as they take long strides into their twenties - the hash it out decade of first stepping into womanhood.  Womanhood - whoa.

2. Prayer.  I think we all assume we all pray.  But, I think the vast majority of us feel lost and odd after sixty seconds.

3.  Introducing our children to Jesus.  I have the honor of knowing an amazing crowd of parents.  As my oldest is five, I find myself down on my knees asking for help as the conversations become more real.  Dang it, I don't want to give him rote answers...so I'd love to delve into ways to tap into those heart conversation with our children.

4.  Weight loss.  As I have slowly lost weight, I have come face to face with the bondage and the yuck that comes with the extra pounds.  Not talking about a magic number on the scale...talking about acknowledging the truth of our relationship with food.  Oh man, there's freedom out there!  This one makes me tremor though.

5. What I'm growing in....in marriage, in being a person, in being a parent, in being a friend.  The struggles, the eyes on the prize, the truth.

6. How do we live honestly? The word 'honest' has become hot, over used and also increasingly important.  But whoa if there isn't a lot to learn about living that out.  When do we bring transparency, when is it simply not enough to be just honest, when is it a problem, how do we do it.....lots to ponder.

There's probably more in there.  Are you thinking of your list?  You really, really should.  Send it to me if you feel so inclined.

Rusty, clunky, chunky, but done.  I came back and blogged.  Not on the new site, still on this old thing.  But done.  I published something and that makes me sing......Seriously, I'd love to see your list of what you've been thinking about, I really would.  Consider sending it to me.

Love,
Abi

Hello Summer, Goodbye Blog

Or something like that. Happy Blog Friday y'all!

I tell you what, my heart has been churning over the past month.  So to you, my precious friend taking his or her time to read this, I wanted to share a little update.  Big, earth-shattering news.  Ha!  (wink, wink)

I'm going to take the summer off from writing weekly blog posts.  And, ya know, weekly is an awfully generous word for what it really has been over the past few months!  But, many weeks, I've hit a wall when I sat down to write and that got me to pondering.  And listening.  My first reaction was, well shoot.  Guess it's time to stop blogging....I got nothin'.  But that thought left me more distraught than trying to work through and come up with words.  So I started pushing further and asking more about why that wall seemed to meet me every week.

The answer?  There are lots of reasons.  Naturally!  But, mostly I need more.  I want more.  I feel desperate for more vision, more focus, and more direction in writing.  Although this blog is basically something that my friends read, I am deeply honored that anyone would spend their time reading my words.  Bloggers are a dime a dozen!  You could spend hours reading blogs!  And that you choose to read this, blows me away. So, in some ways, I feel protective of your time.  I want my words to be life-giving and entertaining, but I also want them to carry some bit of content that will make a difference for you after reading. And that some 'bit of content' part is the one that hangs me up.

If I move forward with blogging, I want to do so with more intention and more vision.  And I honestly believe that it's there to be had but it deserves some set aside time to pursue.  For reals, when I get a blog post up it is barely up and there is little time or space for pre-thought, editing, or thinking much about writing in any other manner.  It's my season as a mom of little boys and I wouldn't trade it.  I would not trade it for anything, and yet I still feel my heart being prodded to take steps towards a dream: being a writer/speaker.  And not to take steps when my boys are in school or fully raised, but right now.  And that's straight up messy!  So, I've come to the conclusion that it's just not realistic for me to maintain a commitment to write weekly, and to create the time and space necessary to press into more vision/focus for writing/blogging.

I really love the back and forth that I feel with you when I blog.  I genuinely feel it and your gift of time to read my words is treasured.

Bottom line, I want to blog and I want to write and I think that God is in that.  But, I want to take some time to make sure on that last part.  Because if He isn't, then, well, then I think I may be in deep doo doo.  :) Just made myself laugh out loud.  Deep doo doo is funny!  I have appreciated the encouraging feedback so many of you have offered but just want to take some time to pause and lay it down and listen.

So, maybe I'll show up and blog a little here and there or maybe I'll go totally silent.  But, if I may be so bold, would you pray for me this summer?  I'm at a point where I don't need any more great ideas, I just want to make sure that they are His ideas.  Seriously, if you get anything for me as you think of me, please please please feel free to reach out and share it with me.  I'll have my notebook ready to jot down your thoughts :).

Thank you for your time, my friend.  Whether or not we know each other well, you are my friend and your time is a great gift.

SO!  Happy weekending y'all!  Happy summering y'all!

Hope to catch up with you again in September.....but for now much love,
Abi